mother in 1690, removed with me to Edinburgh. I was now again put to school, and in Nov. 1692, entered at the College. Here my knowledge of the law of God daily increased; and therewith my knowledge of fin. I faw more and more, that He was displeased with me for fins which formerly I had not observed. The impreffions of my mortality were likewise riveted in me by new afflictions, and I was more in bondage through the growing fear of death. Again, the Scriptures being now daily preached, forced me to fome inquiry into my own fincerity in religion; and I was willing, provided I might fave my bofom idols, not only to hear, but to do many things.

2. I was now carried far in a form of religion. I prayed not only morning and evening, but at other times too: I wept much in fecret: I read, and meditated, and refolved to live otherwife than I had done. But this goodness too was as the morning cloud. It was force, and not nature; and therefore could not be expected to last any longer than the force which occafioned it.

3. While I was under this diftrefs, many a wretched shift did I betake myself to for relief. When I read, or heard, fearching things; if any thing that was faid feemed to make for me, I greedily catched hold of it. When I found fomewhat required, that I neither did, nor could even refolve to comply with; I thought to compound, and make amends fome other way. Or elfe I questioned, whether God had required it or not? Whether he that taught fo was not mistaken? And whether I might not be in a state of falvation, without thofe marks of it which he affigned. Again, many times, when I would not fee, I quarrelled with minif ters or books for not speaking plainly. Always I carefully fought for the lowest marks, and the leaft degrees of grace that were faving. For I defigned but just fo much religion as would take me to heaven, the very leaft that would ferve this turn. And when none of these shifts availed, I refolved in general, to do all that God commanded. But I foon retracted, when he tried me in any particulars that were contrary to my inclina7

tion. And when I faw I must do it, I begged a little respite with Austin, "I was content to be holy, but not yet:" forgetting that a delay is, in God's account, a refufal; fince all commands require prefent obedience. After all ways were tried, I blamed my education. I knew religion was a change of heart; but whether mine had undergone this change was the question: Now, thought I, " If I had not been educated religi oufly, but had changed all at once, it would have been more eafily difcernible." Thus was I entangled in my own ways, and even feeking wifdem, I found it not.

4. Although I now feemed to have gone far, yet I was indeed wholly wrong. For being convinced of the neceffity of righteoufnefs, but ignorant of Christ, I fought it by the works of the law. Therefore the carnal mind, which was enmity against God, still continued in me and all my ftruggles were only a toffing to and fro, between light, and love of fin, wherein fin was ftill conqueror; for my bofom idols I could not part with. Befides, the fmall religion I had, was not abiding; but rofe and fell with the above mentioned occafions.

5. About this time Clark's Martyrology came into my hands. I loved history, and read it greedily. The patience, courage, and joy of the martyrs convinced me, that there was a reality in religion, beyond the power of nature. I was convinced likewife, that I was a ftranger to it, because I could not think of fuffering. And withal I felt fome faint defires after it, fo far at least, as often to join in Balaam's wish, “Let me die the death of the righteous, and let my last

end be like his."

6. At this time likewife God restrained me from many follies I was inclined to, by bodily infirmity. He provided me too with friends who were very tender of me. He fed me, though I knew him not. But fo far was I from being thankful for thefe mercies, that my proud heart fretted at them. O what reafon have I to fay, "The Lord is good, even to the evil and the unthankful!"

V. Of the Straits he was in, and the course he took for Relief, from May 1693, to August 1696.

1. THE air of Edinburgh agreeing neither with my mother nor me, in May 1693, fhe removed to St. Andrews. And here I came under the care of Mr. Taylor, a wife man, and one very careful of me. Thus, chafed as I was from place to place, God every where provided me with friends. And now by the fearching miniftry of Mr. Forrefter, I began to obtain fome fmall discovery of the more fpiritual evils of my foul. The Lord opened to me firft the pride of my heart, and the wickedness and injuftice of valuing myself upon thofe deliverances from my own weakness, which had been wholly wrought by his ftrength. I likewise faw the impiety of drawing near to him with my mouth, while my heart was far from him: and indeed, of trufting to any outward performance, without the life of all, faith working by love.

2. This, added to what I was confcious of before, frequently threw me into racking perplexity; when, finding no peace in any of my former evafions, I refolved to enter into a folemn Covenant with God; and having written and subscribed this, I believed all was right. I found a fort of present peace; amendment I thought fufficient atonement, and fuch an engagement I looked upon as performance. I now likewife often found an unusual sweetness in hearing the word, and fometimes the moft piercing convictions: and thefe were indeed " a tafte of the good word of God, and of the powers of the world to come."

3. But the merciful God would not let me rest here: the peace I found by making this covenant, was foon loft by breaking it: at the fame time my heart fmote me for my old fins, by which I found former accounts to be ftill ftanding against me, which filled me with confufion and jealoufies of thefe ways. I perceived too, fomething of the treachery of my engagements, and that my heart had not been found therein, but had had fecret referves for fome fins, which were then given up in word only. God alfo let loofe fome of my corruptions upon me: which as foon as his restraint

was taken off, were more violent than ever, and bore down before them all that I had fet in their way. By these means he discovered to me the fruitleffness of my covenant, and threw me afresh into the utmost confufion: while the evil I thought fo effectually provided against, again came upon me.

4. Yet notwithstanding I felt the vanity of these ways, I ftill adhered to them; I again trufted my own heart, and hoped to recover by renewing, the peace I loft by breaking my covenant: I laid the blame on fome accidental defect in my former management, and thought, were that mended, all would be well. When I found fomething wanting ftill, I contrived to make it up with fomething extraordinary of my own, with the multiplication of prayers, or fome outward duty or other. But all thefe refuges failed, and my life was fo thoroughly miferable while I was pursuing them, that had not the infinite mercy of God prevented, one of these effects had furely followed: either, 1. The convictions I was under would have ceafed, God giving over his striving with me, and then having attained to a form of godlinefs, I fhould have refted therein, and I looked no farther. Or, 2. If those convictions had continued, and I had been left to my own way, I should have laboured in the fire all my days, wearying myself with vanity, in a continual viciffitude of refolutions and breaches, fecurity and difquietude, engagements and fins, false peace and racking anxiety, by turns taking place. Or, 3. When I had wearied myself in vain, I should have utterly given up religion, and gone over, if not to direct atheism, at least to open profaneness. Or, laftly, being forced to seek shelter fome where, and being fo fadly disappointed in all the ways I tried, I had faid, "This evil is of the Lord, why wait I any longer?" and fo funk into final defpair. And in fact, I had fome experience of all these. Some I times I fat down with the bare form: fometimes I I wearied myself in running from one of thofe vain" courfes to another. At other times, finding no profit, I turned carelels, and was on the point of throwing off

all religion. And very often I was driven almost to diftraction, and stood on the very brink of despair.

5. When I had been disappointed again and again, I was in the utmost perplexity to find where the fault lay. I found this way of covenanting with God mentioned in Scripture, recommended by minifters, and approved by the experience of all the people of God. I could not tax myself with guile in doing it: I was refolved to perform the engagement I made. I made it with much concern and folemnity, and for fome time kept it strictly. But though I could not then see where the failing was, I have fince been enabled to fee it clearly. 1. Being ignorant of the righteousness of God, I was ftill establishing a righteousness of my own: and though in words I renounced this, yet in fact I fought righteousness and peace; not in the Lord Jefus, but in my own covenants and engagements, fo that I really put them in Christ's room and as to forgiveness of fins, my real trust was not in his blood, but in the evenness of my own walk. Therefore I obtained not righteousness, "because I ftill fought it, as it were by the works of the law." And it was evident I did fo, by this plain fign; whenever I was challenged for fin, inftead of recourse to the blood of Chrift, I ftill fought peace only in renewing my vows again; the confent I gave to the law, was not from the reconcilement of my heart to its holinefs; but merely from fear. The enmity against it continued; nor would I have chofen it, had that force been away. Farther, my eye was not fingle: provided I was fafe, I had no concern for the glory of God. In a word, I engaged, before God had thoroughly engaged me. We may be in a fort willing, before he hath made us truly fo. But the first real kindnefs begins with him; and we never love till his kindness draws us. Fear may indeed overpower us into fomething like it, as it did me. was willing to be faved from hell: but not to be saved in God's way, and in order to those ends he propofes in our falvation.

6. This was not my only trouble. I was now en