traits of wit, fo poignant and fo appofite, that he is a worthy yokemate to his forementioned friend.

Why fhould I go upon farther particulars, which might fill a volume with the juft clogies of my contem-' porary brethren? I fhall bequeath this piece of juftice to a larger work; wherein I intend to write a character of Their perfons I the prefent fet of wits in our nation. fhall defcribe particularly, and at length; their genius and understandings, in mignature.

In the mean time, I do here make bold to prefent your Highness with a faithful abstract drawn from the univerfal body of all arts and sciences, intended wholly for fervice and inftruction. Nor do I doubt in the your leaff, but your Highness will perufe it as carefully, and make as confiderable improvements, as other young princes have already done by the many volumes, of late years, written for a help to their ftudies *.

That your Highness may advance in wifdom and virtue, as well as years, and at last outshine all your royal ancestors, fhall be the daily prayer of,

SIR,

Decemb. 1697.

Your Highuefs's

Moft devoted, &c.

* There were innumerable books printed for the use of the Dauphin of France. Hawkef.

The

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PREFACE.

HE wits of the prefent age being fo very numerous and penetrating, it feems the grandees of church and ftate begin to fall under horrible apprehenfions, left thefe gentlemen, during the intervals of a long peace, fhould find leisure to pick holes in the weak fides of religion and government. To prevent which, there has been much thought employed of late upon certain projects for taking off the force and edge of those formidable inquirers, from canvaffing and reafoning upon fuch delicate points. They have at length fixed upon one, which will require fome time as well as coft to perfect. Mean while, the danger hourly increasing, by new levies of wits, all appointed (as there is reason to fear) with pen, ink, and paper, which may, at an hour's warning, be drawn out into pamphlets, and other offenfive weapons, ready for immediate execution; it was judged of absolute neceffity, that fome prefent expedient be thought on, till the main defign can be brought to maturity. To this end, at a grand committce, fome days ago, this important difcovery was made by a certain curious and refined obferver, That feamen have a cuftom, when they meet a whale, to fling him out an empty tub by way of amufement, to divert him from laying violent hands upon the fhip. This pa rable was immediately mythologifed. The whale was interpreted to be Hobbes's Leviathan; which toffes and plays with all fchemes of religion and government, whereof a great many are hollow, and dry, and empty, and noify, and wooden, and given to rotation. This is

the Leviathan, from whence the terrible wits of our age. are faid to borrow their weapons. The hip in danger, is easily understood to be its old antitype, the commonwealth. But how to analyse the tub, was a matter of difficulty; when, after long inquiry and debate, the literal meaning was preferved: and it was decreed, that, in order to prevent these Leviathans from toffing and fporting with the commonwealth, which of itself is too apt to fluctuate, they should be diverted from that game .VOL. I.

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by a Tale of a Tub. And my genius being conceived to lie not unhappily that way, I had the honour done me to be engaged in the performance.

This is the fole defign in publishing the following treatife; which I hope will ferve for an interim of fome months to employ thofe unquiet fpirits, till the perfecting of that great work: into the fecret of which, it is reasonable the courteous reader fhould have fome little light.

It is intended, that a large academy be erected, capable of containing nine thoufand feven hundred forty and three perfons; which, by modest computation, is reckoned to be pretty near the current number of wits in this ifland. Thefe are to be difpofed into the feveral schools of this academy, and there pursue thofe ftudies to which their genius moft inclines them. The undertaker himself will publifh his propofals with all convenient speed; to which I fhall refer the curious reader for a more particular account, mentioning at prefent only a few of the principal fchools. There is, firft, a large paderaftic school, with French and Italian mafters: there is, alfo, the fpelling school, a very fpacious building; the fchool of looking-glaffes; the fchool of Swearing; the fchool of critics; the school of falivation; the school of hobby-horfes; the school of poetry; the school of tops *; the fchool of Spleen; the school of gaming; with many others, too tedious to recount. No person to be admitted member into any of these schools, without an atteftation under two fufficient perfons hands, certify-: ing him to be a wit.

But to return: I am fufficiently instructed in the prin cipal duty of a preface, if my genius were capable of arriving at it. Thrice have I forced my imagination to. make the tour of my invention, and thrice it has returned empty; the latter having been wholly drained by the following treatife. Not fo my more fuccessful brethren. the moderns, who will by no means let flip a preface or

This I think the author fhould have omitted, it being of the very fame nature with the fchool of bobby-horses, if one may venture to cenfure one, who is fo severe a censurer of others, perhaps with too little distinction. dedication,

dedication, without fome notable diftinguishing stroke to surprise the reader at the entry, and kindle a wonderful expectation of what is to ensue. Such was that' of a most ingenious poet, who, foliciting his brain for fomething new, compared himself to the hangman, and his patron to the patient. This was infigne, recens, indicum ore alio* When I went through that neceffary and noble course of study †, I had the happiness to obferve many fuch egregious touches; which I fhall not injure the authors by tranfplanting, because I have remarked, that nothing is so very tender as a modern piece of wit, and which is apt to fuffer fo much in the carriage. Some things are extremely witty to-day, or fafting, or in this place, or at eight a clock, or over a bottle, or spoke by Mr. What d'y'call'm, or in a fummer's morning; any of the which, by the smallest tranfpofal or mifapplication, is utterly annihilate. Thus, Wit has its walks and purlieus, out of which it may not stray the breadth of an hair, upon peril of being loft. The moderns have artfully fixed this mercury, and reduced it to the circumftances of time, place, and perfon. Such a jeft there is, that will not pafs out of Covent-garden; and fuch a one, that is no where intelligible but at Hyde-park corner. Now, though it fometimes tenderly affects me, to confider, that all the towardly paffages I fhall deliver in the following treatife, will grow quite out of date and relish with the first shifting of the prefent fcene; yet I must needs fubfcribe to the juftice of this proceeding; because I cannot imagine why we should be at expence to furnish wit for fucceeding ages, when the former have made no fort of provifion for ours: wherein I fpeak the fentiment of the very newest, and confequently the most orthodox refiners, as well as my own. However, being extremely folicitous, that every accomplished perfon, who has got into the taste of wit calculated for this prefent month of August 1697, fhould defcend to the very bottom of all the Sublime throughout this treatife; I hold fit to lay down this general máxim: Whatever reader defires to have a thorough comprehenHor. Something extraordinary, new, and never hit upon before. + Reading prefaces, &c.

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fion

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fion of an author's thoughts, cannot take a better method, than by putting himself into the circumftances and postures of life, that the writer was in upon every important paffage, as it flowed from his pen: for this will introduce a parity and ftrict correfpondence of ideas between the reader and the author. Now, to affift the diligent reader in fo delicate an affair, as far as brevity will permit, I have recollected, that the fhrewedeft pieces of this treatife were conceived in bed, in a garret. At other times, for a reafon best known to myself, I thought fit to fharpen my invention with hunger; and, in general, the whole work was begun, continued, and ended, under a long courfe of phyfic, and a great want of money. Now, I do affirm, it will be abfolutely impoffible for the candid perufer to go along with me in a great many bright paffages, unlefs, upon the feveral difficulties emergent, he will pleafe to capacitate and prepare himself by thefe directions. And this I lay down as my principal poftulatum.

Because I have profeffed to be a moft devoted fervant of all modern forms, I apprehend fome curious wit may object against me, for proceeding thus far in a preface, without declaiming, according to the cuftom, against the multitude of writers, whereof the whole multitude of writers most reafonably complain. I am juft come from perufing fome hundreds of prefaces, wherein the authors do at the very beginning addrefs the gentle reader concerning this enormous grievance. Of thefe I have preferved a few examples, and fhall fet them down as near as my memory has been able to retain them.

One begins thus:

For a man to fet up for a writer, when the prefs fwarms with, &c.

Another :

The tax upon paper does not lessen the number of fcribblers, who daily pefter, &c.

Another :

When every little would-be wit takes pen in hand, 'tis in vain to enter the lifts, &c.

Another :

To obferve what trash the prefs fwarms with, &c.

Another: