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authors, however confiderable for their quality or their merits. Whereas, in England, it is juft the reverse of all this. Here, you may fecurely difplay your utmost rhetoric against mankind in the face of the world; tell them, "That all are gone aftray; that there is none "that doth good, no not one; that we live in the very dregs of time; that knavery and atheism are epidemic as the pox; that honefty is fled with Aftræa;” with any other common places equally new and eloquent, which are furnished by the fplendida bilis +. And when. you have done, the whole audience, far from being offended, fhall return you thanks, as a deliverer of precious and useful truths. Nay, farther, it is but to venture your lungs, and you may preach in Covent-Gardey against foppery and fornication, and fomething else; againft pride, and diffimulation, and bribery, at Whiteball: you may expofe rapine and injuftice in the inns of court chapel; and in a city pulpit be as fierce as you please against avarice, hypocrify, and extortion. "Tis but a ball bandied to and fro, and every man carries as racket about him to ftrike it from himself among the rest. of the company. But, on the other fide, whoever should miftake the nature of things fo far, as to drop but a fingle hint in public, how fuch a one ftarved half the fleet, and half poifoned the reft; how fuch a one, from a true principle of love and honour, pays no debts but for wenches and play; how fuch a one has got a clap, and runs out of his eftate; how Paris bribed by Juno and Venus, loth to offend either party, flept out the whole cause on the bench; or how fuch an orator makes long fpeeches in the Senate with much thought, little fenfe, and to no purpose: whoever, I fay, fhould venture to be thus particular, muft expect to be imprisoned for fcandalum magnatum; to have challenges fent him; to be fued for defamation; and to be brought before the bar of the House.

+ Hor. Spleen.

D3

BUT

Juno and Venus are money and a mistress; very powerful bribes to a judge, if fcandal fays true. I remember fuch reflexions were caft about that time; but I cannot fix the person intended here.

BUT I forget that I am expatiating on a fubje& wherein I have no concern, having neither a talent nor an inclination for fatire! On the other fide, I am fo intirely fatisfied with the whole prefent procedure of human things, that I have been fome years preparing materials towards A Panegyric upon the world; to which I intended to add a fecond part, intitled, A modeft defence of the proceedings of the rabble in all ages. Both thefe I had thoughts to publish by way of appendix to the following treatise; but finding my common-place book. fill much flower than I had reafon to expect, I have chofen to defer them to another occafion. Befides, I have been unhappily prevented in that defign, by a certain domeftic misfortune: in the particulars whereof, tho' it would be very feasonable, and much in the modern way, to inform the gentle reader, and would also be of great affiftance towards extending this preface into the fize now in vogue, which by rule ought to be large, in proportion as the fubfequent volume is small; yet I fhall now difmifs our impatient reader from any farther attendance at the porch; and having duly prepared his mind by a preliminary difcourfe, fhall gladly introduce him to the fublime myfteries that enfue.

A

TALE OF A TUB.

SECTION I

The INTRODUCTION.

WHOEVER hath an ambition to be heard in a

crowd, muft prefs, and fqueeze, and thrust, and climb with indefatigable pains, til he has exalted himfelf to a certain degree of altitude above them. Now, in all affemblies, tho' you wedge them ever lo clofe, we may obferve this peculiar property, that over their heads there is room enough; but how to reach it, is the difficult point; it being as hard to get quit of number, as of hell.

-Evadere ad auras,

Hoc opus, hic labor eft †.

To this end, the philofopher's way in all ages has been by erecting certain edifices in the air. But, whatever practice and reputation thefe kind of ftructures have formerly poffeffed, or may still continue in, not excepting even that of Socrates, when he was fufpended in a basket to help contemplation; I think, with due fubmiffion, they seem to labour under two inconveniences. First, That the foundations being laid too high, they have been often out of fight, and ever out of hearing. Secondly,

But to return, and view the chearful skies
In this the task and mighty labour lies;

Secondly, That the materials, being very tranfitory, have fuffered much from inclemencies of air, efpecially in these north-west regions.

THEREFORE, towards the juft performance of this great work, there remain but three methods that I can think on; whereof the wisdom of our ancestors being highly fenfible, has, to encourage all afpiring adventurers, thought fit to erect three wooden machines, for the use of thofe orators who defire to talk much without interruption. Thefe are, the pulpit, the ladder, and the Stage-itinerant. For, as to the bar, tho' it be compounded of the fame matter, and defigned for the same ufe, it cannot however be well allowed the honour of a fourth, by reason of its level or inferior fituation, expofing it to perpetual interruption from collaterals. Neither can the bench itself, tho' raifed to a proper eminency, put in a better claim, whatever its advocates infift on. For if they pleafe to look into the original defign of its erection, and the circumstances or adjun&s fubfervient to that defign, they will foon acknowledge the prefent practice exactly correfpondent to the primitive inftitution; and both to anfwer the etymology of the name, which in the Phoenician tongue is a word of great fignification, importing, if literally interpreted, the place of fleep; but in common acceptation, a feat well bolstered and cushioned, for the repofe of old and gouty limbs: fenes ut in otia tuta recedant: fortune being indebted to them this part of retaliation, that, as formerly they have long talked, whilft others lept; fo now they may fleep as long, whilft others talk.

BUT if no other argument could occur to exclude the bench and the bar from the lift of oratorial machines, it were fufficient, that the admiffion of them would overthrow a number which I was refolved to establish, whatever argument it might coft me; in imitation of that prudent method obferved by many other philofophers and great clerks, whofe chief art in division has been to grow fond of fome proper mystical number, which their imaginations have rendered facred, to a degree, that they force common reafon to find room for it in every part of

nature=

nature reducing, including, and adjufting every genus and Species within that compafs, by coupling fome against their wills, and banishing others at any rate. Now, among all the reft, the profound number THREE is that which hath most employed my fublimeft fpeculations, nor ever without wonderful delight. There is now in the prefs, and will be published next term, a panegyrical effay of mine upon this number; wherein I have, by moft convincing proofs, not only reduced the fenfes and the elements under its banner, but brought over several deferters from its two great rivals SEVEN and NINE.

Now, the firft of these oratorial machines in place, as well as dignity, is the pulpit. Of pulpits there are in this ifland feveral forts: but I efteem only that made of timber from the sylva Caledonia, which agrees very well with our climate. If it be upon its decay, it is the better, both for conveyance of found, and for other reasons to be mentioned by and by. The degree of perfection in shape and fize, I take to confift in being extremely narrow, with little ornament, and best of all without a cover: (for, by antient rule, it ought to be the only uncovered veel in every affembly where it is rightfully used:) by which means, from its near refemblance to a pillory, it will ever have a mighty influence on human ears.

Or Ladders I need fay nothing. It is obferved by foreigners themselves, to the honour of our country, that we excel all nations in our practice and understanding of this machine. The afcending orators do not only oblige their audience in the agreeable delivery, but the whole world in the early publication of their fpeeches; which I look upon as the choiceft treafury of our British eloquence; and whereof I am informed, that worthy citizen and bookfeller, Mr. John Dunton, hath made a faithful and a painful collection, which he fhortly designs to publish in twelve volumes in folio, illuftrated with copper-plates : a work highly ufeful and curious, and altogether worthy of fuch a hand.

THE