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LASTLY, A true critic, in the perufal of a book, is like a dog at a feaft, whofe thoughts and ftomach are wholly fet upon what the guests fling away; and confequently is apt to Snart most when there are the fewest bones.
THUS much, I think, is fufficient to ferve by way of addrefs to my patrons, the true modern critics; and may very well atone for my paft filence, as well as that which I am like to obferve for the future. I hope I have deferved fo well of their whole body, as to meet with generous and tender ufage at their hands. Supported by which expectation, I go on boldly to pursue thofe adventures already so happily begun.
A TALE of a TU B.
HAVE now, with much pains and study, conducted the reader to a period, where he must expect to hear of great revolutions. For no fooner had our learned brother, fo often mentioned, got a warm house of his own over his head, than he began to look big, and take mightily upon him; infomuch that, unless the gentle reader, out of his great candour, will please a little to exalt his idea, I am afraid he will henceforth hardly know the hero of the play, when he happens to meet him; his part, his dress, and his mien being fo much
He told his brothers, he would have them to know that he was their elder, and confequently his father's fole heir nay, a while after, he would not allow them to call him brother, but Mr. PETER; and then he must be ftyled Father PETER; and fometimes, My Lord PETER. To fupport this grandeur, which he foon began to confider could not be maintained without a better fonde than what he was born to; after much thought, he caft about at laft to turn projector and virtuojo; wherein he fo well fucceeded, that many famous difcoveries, projects, and machines, which bear great vogue and practice at
prefent in the world, are owing entirely to Lord PETER's invention. I will deduce the best account I have been able to collect of the chief amongst them, without confidering much the order they came out in; because, I think, authors are not well agreed as to that point.
I hope, when this treatise of mine fhall be tranflated into foreign languages, (as I may without vanity affirm, that the labour of collecting, the faithfulness in recounting, and the great usefulness of the matter to the public, will amply deferve that justice,) that the worthy members of the feveral academies abroad, especially those of France and Italy, will favourably accept thefe humble offers for the advancement of univerfal knowledge. I do also advertise the most reverend fathers, the eaftern miffionaries, that I have purely for their fakes made ufe of fuch words and phrafes, as will beft admit an easy turn into any of the oriental languages, efpecially the Chinese. And fo I proceed with great content of mind, upon reflecting how much emolument this whole globe of earth is like to reap by my labours.
THE firft undertaking of Lord Peter was, to purchase a large continentt, lately faid to have been discovered in Terra Aufiralis incognita. This tract of land he bought at a very great penny-worth from the difcoverers themfelves (tho' fome pretended to doubt whether they had ever been there); and then retaled it into feveral cantons to certain dealers, who carried over colonies, but were all shipwrecked in the voyage. Upon which Lord Peter fold the faid continent to other customers again, and ugain, and again, and again, with the fame fuccefs.
THE fecond project I fhall mention, was his fovereign. remedy for the worms, especially those in the Spleen || G 3
That is Purgatory.
Penance and abfolution are plaid upon under the notion of a fovereign remedy for the worms, efpecially in the spleen, which, by obferving Peter's prefcription, would void infenfibly by perfpiration afcending thro' the brain, &c. W. Wotton.
Here the author ridicules the penances of the church of Rome, which may be made as easy to the finner as he pleases provided he will pay for them accordingly.
The patient was to eat nothing after fupper for threenights. As foon as he went to bed, he was carefully to lie on one fide; and when he grew weary, to turn upon the other. He muft alfo duly confine his two eyes to the fame object; and by no means break wind at both ends together, without manifeft occafion. These prefcriptions diligently observed, the worms would void infenfibly by perfpiration, afcending thro' the brain.
A third invention was, the erecting of a abifperingoffice, for the public good and ease of all fuch as are hypochondriacal, or troubled with the cholic; as likewife of all eves droppers, phyficians, midwives, fmall politicians, friends fallen out, repeating poets, lovers happy or in defpair, bawds, privy-counfellors, pages, parafites, and buffoons; in fhort, of all fuch as are in danger of bursting with too much wind. An afs's head was placed fo conveniently, that the party affected might eafily with his mouth accoft either of the animal's ears; which he was to apply close for a certain space, and, by a fugitive faculty, peculiar to the ears of that animal, receive immediate benefit, either by eructation, or expiration, or evomitation.
ANOTHER very beneficial project of Lord Peter's was an office of infurance |, for tobacco-pipes, martyrs of the modern zeal, volumes of poetry, fhadows,
and rivers; that thefe, nor any of thefe, fhall receive damage by fire. From whence our friendly focieties may plainly find themselves to be only tranfcribers from this. original; tho' the one and the other have been of great benefit to the undertakers, as well as of equal to the public.
LORD Peter was alfo held the original author of puppets and raree-shows t; the great ufefulness whereof being fo generally
By his whispering-office, for the relief of eves-droppers, phyficians, bawds, and privy counsellors, he ridicules aurical confef fion; and the priest who takes it, is defcribed by the ass's head. W. Wotton.
This I take to be the office of indulgences, the grofs abuses
whereof first gave occafion for the Reformation.
+ I believe are the monkeries, and ridiculous proceffions, &c. among the Papifts
generally known, I fhall not enlarge farther upon this particular.
BUT another difcovery for which he was much renowned, was his famous univerfal + pickle. For having remarked how your common pickle, in use among houfewives, was of no farther benefit than to preferve dead flesh, and certain kinds of vegetables; Peter, with great coft, as well as art, had contrived a pickle proper for houfes, gardens, towns, men, women, children, and cattle; wherein he could preferve them as found as infects in amber. Now, this pickle to the taste, the smell, and the fight, appeared exactly the fame with what is in common fervice for beef, and butter, and herrings, and has been often that way applied with great fuccefs; but, for its many fovereign virtues, was a quite different thing. For Peter would put in a certain quantity of his Hpowder pimperlimpimp, after which it never failed of fuccefs. The operation was performed by §fpargefaction in a proper time of the moon. The patient who was to be pickled, if it were a house, would infallibly be preferved from all fpiders, rats, and weazels; if the party affected were a dog, he fhould be exempt from mange, and madness, and hanger. It alfo infallibly took away all scabs and lice, and scall'd heads from children; never hindering the patient from any duty, either at bed or board.
BUT of all Peter's rarities, he moft valued a certain fet of bulls, whofe race was by great fortune preferved
+ Holy water he calls an universal pickle, to preserve houses, gardens, towns, men, women, children, and cattle, wherein he could preferve them as found as infects in amber. W. Wotton.
This is easily understood to be holy water, fame ingredients with many other pickles.
compofed of the
And because holy water differs only in confecration from common water, therefore he tells us, that his pickle by the powder of pimperlimpimp receives new virtues, tho' it differs not in fight nor fmell from the common pickles, which preserve beef, and butter, and herrings. W. Wotton.
The Papal bulls are ridiculed by name, fo that here we are at no loss for the author's meaning. W. Wotton.
in a lineal defcent from thofe that guarded the golden. fleece: tho' fome who pretended to obferve them curioufly, doubted the breed had not been kept entirely chafte;. because they had degenerated from their ancestors in fome qualities, and had acquired others very extraordinary, but a foreign mixture. The bulls of Colchis are recorded to have brazen feet. But, whether it. happened by ill pafture and running, by an allay from intervention of other parents, from stolen intrigues; whether a weakness in their progenitors had impaired the feminal virtue, or by a decline neceffary thro' a long courfe of time, the originals of nature being depraved in these latter finful ages of the world: whatever was the cause, 'tis certain that Lord Peter's bulls were extremely vitiated by the ruft of time in the metal of their feet, which was now funk into common lead. However, the terrible roaring peculiar to their lineage was preferved; as likewife that faculty of breathing out fire from their noftrils ; which, notwithstanding, many of their detractors took to be a feat of art, and to be nothing fo terrible as it appeared, proceeding only from their ufual courfe of diet, which was offquibs and crackers. However, they had two peculiar marks which extremely diftinguished them from the bulls of Jafon, and which I have not met together in the description of any other monfter, befide that in Horace:
Varias inducere plumas ;
Atrum definit in pifcem.
For thefe had fishes tails; yet, upon occafion, could outfly any bird in the air. Peter put thefe bulls upon feveral employs. Sometimes he would fet them a roaring, to fright
Ibid. Here the author has kept the name, and means the Pope's bulls, or rather his fulminations, and excommunications of heretical Princes, all figned with lead and the feal of the fisherman; and therefore said to have leaden feet and fishes tails.
These are the fulminations of the Pope, threatening hell and damnation to thofe Princes who offend him.