fright || naughty boys, and make them quiet. Sometimes he would fend them out upon errands of great importance; where it is wonderful to recount, and perhaps the cautious reader may think much to believe it, an appetitus fenfibilis, deriving itfelf thro' the whole family, from their noble ancestors, guardians of the golden fleece; they continued fo extremely fond of gold, that, if Peter fent them abroad, tho' it were only upon a compliment, they would rear, and spit, and belch, and piss, and fort, and fnivel out fire, and keep a perpetual coil, till you flung them a bit of gold; but then, pulveris exigui jačiu, they would grow calm and quiet as lambs. In fhort, whether by fecret connivance, or encouragement from their mafter, or out of their own liquorifh affection to gold, or both, it is certain, they were no better than a fort of fturdy, fwaggering beggars; and, where they could not prevail to get an alms, would make women miscarry, and children fall into fits; who, to this very day, ufually call fpirits and hobgoblins by the name of bull-beggars. They grew at laft fo very troublesome to the neighbourhood, that fome Gentlemen of the North-west got a parcel of right English bull-dogs, and baited them fo terribly, that they felt it ever after.

I muft needs mention one more of Lord Peter's projects, which was very extraordinary, and difcovered him to be mafter of a high reach and profound invention. Whenever it happened that any rogue of Newgate was condemned to be hanged, Peter would offer him a par don for a certain fum of money; which when the poor caitiff had made all fhifts to fcrape up and fend, his Lordship would return a piece of paper in this form ‡ :

TB

O all Mayors, Sheriffs, Jailors, Constables, Bailiffs, Hangmen, &c. Whereas we are in"formed that A. B. remains in the hands of you, or a

ny of you, under the sentence of death; we will and

That is, Kings who incurred his difpleasure.

"command

This is a copy of a general pardon, signed fervus fervorum. Ibid. Abfolution in articulo mortis, and the tax camere apoftolica, are jested upon in Emperor Peter's letter. W. Wotton.

"command you, upon fight hereof, to let the faid pri"foner depart to his own habitation, whether he stands "condemned for murder, fodomy, rape, facrilege, inceft, treafon, blafphemy, &c.; for which this shall "be your fufficient warrant. And, if you fail hereof, "G-d-mn you and yours to all eternity. And so we "bid you heartily farewel.

Your most humble

man's man,

EMPEROR PETER."

THE wretches trufting to this, loft their lives and money too.

I defire of those whom the learned among posterity will appoint for commentators upon this elaborate treatife, that they will proceed with great caution upon certain dark points, wherein all who are not vere adepti, may be in danger to form rash and hafty conclufions; efpecially in fome mysterious paragraphs, where certain arcana are joined for brevity's fake, which in the operas tion must be divided. And I am certain, that future fons of art will return large thanks to my memory, for fo grateful, fo ufeful an innuendo.

Ir will be no difficult part to perfuade the reader, that fo many worthy discoveries met with great fuccefs in the world; tho' I may juftly affure him, that I have related much the smalleft number; my design having been only to fingle out fuch as will be of most benefit for public imitation, or which beft ferved to give fome idea of the reach and wit of the inventor. And therefore it need not be wondered, if by this time Lord Peter was become exceeding rich. But alas! he had kept his brain fo long and fo violently upon the rack, that at laft it book itfelf, and began to turn round for a little eafe. In fhort, what with pride, projects, and knavery, poor Peter was grown distracted, and conceived the ftrangeft imaginations in the world. In the height of his fits, (as it is ufual with those who run mad out of pride) he would call

himself

himfelf God Almighty, and sometimes Monarch of the Univerfe. I have feen him (fays my author) take three old high-crown'd hats †, and clap them all on his head, three ftory high, with a huge bunch of keys at his girdle, and an angling-rod in his hand. In which guise, whoever went to take him by the hand, in the way of falutation, Peter, with much grace, like a well-educated fpaniel, would prefent them with his foot ||; and if they refused his civility, then he would raise it as high as their chops, and give them a damn'd kick in the mouth : which hath ever fince been called a falute. Whoever walked by, without paying him their compliments, having a wonderful strong breath, he would blow their hats off into the dirt. Mean time his affairs at home went upfide down, and his two brothers had a wretched time; where his first boutade ** was, to kick both their wives one morning out of doors, and his own too ††; and, in their ftead, gave orders to pick up the first three ftrollers could be met with in the streets. A while after, he nailed up the cellar-door; and would not allow his brothers a drop of drink to their victuals ||||. Dining one day at an Alderman's in the city, Peter obferved him expatiating after the manner of his brethren, in the praises of his firloin of

*The Pope is not only allowed to be the Vicar of Christ, but by several Divines is called God upon earth; and other blasphemous titles are given him.

The triple crown.

The keys of the church. The church is here taken for the gate of Heaven; for the keys of Heaven are affumed by the Pope in confequence of what our Lord faid to Peter. "I will give "unto thee the keys of the kingdom of Heaven."

Ibid. The Pope's univerfal monarchy, and his triple crown, and fisher's ring. W. Wotton.

Neither does his arrogant way of requiring men to kiss his Alipper escape reflexion. W. Wotton.

**This word properly fignifies a fudden jerk, or lash of an horfe, when you do not expect it.

tt The celibacy of the Romish clergy is struck at in Peter's beating his own and his brothers wives out of doors. W. Wotton.

The Pope's refufing the cup to the laity, perfuading them that the blood is contained in the bread, and that the bread is the real and entire body of Chrift.

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of beef." Beef, faid the fage magiftrate, is the king of meat: Beef comprehends in it the quinteffence of partridge, and quail, and venifon, and pheasant, and plum-pudding, and cuftard." When Peter came home, he would needs take the fancy of cooking up this doctrine into use, and apply the precept, in default of a firloin, to his brown loaf. "Bread, fays he, dear brothers, is the ftaff of life; in which bread is con"tained, inclufivè, the quinteffence of beef, mutton, "veal, venifon, partridge, plum-pudding, and cuftard: " and to render all compleat, there is intermingled a due

quantity of water, whofe crudities are alfo corrected by yeaft or barm; thro' which means it becomes a "wholefome fermented liquor diffufed thro' the mass of "the bread." Upon the ftrength of thefe conclufions, next day at dinner was the brown loaf ferved up in all the formalities of a city-feaft. "Come, brothers, (faid Peter) fall to, and spare not; here is excellent good "mutton : or hold, now my hand is in, I'll help you." At which word, in much ceremony, with fork and knife, he carves out two good flices of a loaf, and prefents each on a plate to his brothers. The elder of the two, not fud denly entering into Lord Peter's conceit, began with very civil language to examine the mystery. " My Lord, said he, "I doubt, with great fubmiffion, there may be fome "mistake." "What, Jays Peter, you are pleafant; "come then, let us hear this jeft your head is fo big "with." "None in the world, my Lord; but unless I "am very much deceived, your Lordship was pleased, a "while ago, to let fall a word about mutton, and I "would be glad to see it with all my heart." "How, faid Peter, appearing in great furprise, I do not comprehend this at all" Upon which the younger interpofing to fet the bufinefs aright; "My Lord, faid "he, my brother, I fuppofe, is hungry, and longs for "the mutton your Lordship hath promifed us to dinner." "Pray,

Tranfubftantiation. Peter turns his bread into mutton, and, according to the Popish doctrine of concomitants, his wine too, which in his way he calls palming his damned crufts upon the brothers for mutton. W. Wotton.

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Pray, faid Peter, take me along with you; either you " are both mad, or difpofed to be merrier than I ap64 prove of. if you there do not like your piece, I will ❝ carve you another, tho' I fhould take that to be the "choice bit of the whole fhoulder." What then, my "Lord, replied the first, it seems this is a fhoulder of mutton all this while." Pray, Sir, fays Peter, eat your victuals, and leave off your impertinence, if you pleafe; for I am not difpofed to relish it at prefent." But the other could not forbear being over-provoked at the affected seriousness of Peter's countenance. 66 By "G-, my Lord, faid he, I can only fay, that to my 66 eyes, and fingers, and teeth, and nofe, it seems to be nothing but a cruft of bread." Upon which the fecond 66 put in his word : "I never faw a piece of mutton in "my life fo nearly refembling a fiice from a twelvepenny loaf." Look ye, Gentlemen, cries Peter in

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a rage to convince you what a couple of blind, pofi❝tive, ignorant, wilful puppies you are, I will use but "this plain argument: By G-, it is true, good, na"tural mutton as any in Leaden-hall market; and G— "confound you both eternally, if you offer to believe "otherways." Such a thundering proof as this, left no further room for objection. The two unbelievers began to gather and pocket up their mistake as hastily as they could. Why, truly, faid the firft, upon more mature "confideration"Ay, Jays the other, interrupting him, now I have thought better on the thing, your "Lordship seems to have a great deal of reafon." Very well, faid Peter. Here, boy, fill me a beerglafs of claret; here's to you both with all my heart." The two brethren, much delighted to fee him fo readily appeased, returned their most humble thanks, and faid, they would be glad to pledge his Lordship. That you "fhall, faid Peter, I am not a perfon to refuse you any thing that is reasonable. Wine moderately taken is a cordial. Here is a glass a-piece for you. It is true "natural juice from the grape, none of your damned "vintners brewings." Having spoke thus, he prefented to each of them another large dry cruft, bidding them drink it off, and not be bafhful; for it would do them VOL. I.

H

no