HUMOR AND THE HUMORIST. 19 "Another incident that fell under my observation was of a slightly different character. A little village, that boasted but one genuine dyed-in-the-wool, blown-in-the-bottle drunkard, held also a very excitable woman who was the mother of a very mischievous boy. "One day while the drunkard was at the neighboring county seat getting his hide full of brain-stealer, the little son of the excitable lady strayed away to the surrounding country and was lost. "A search followed, fruitlessly. And when at night the man of bibulous habits returned with his alcoholic burden, Mrs. Ward rushed up to him, wringing her hands and crying: "O, Mr. Carter, my little Henry's lost and I can't find him anywhere. We've looked everywhere' BY STRICKLAND W. GILLILAN. Once my Feet and I were Accustomed to attend the rural Brain Dispensary. I call it a Dispensary because the Teacher (she was a long-legged Man, in those Primitive days) Dispensed information during the autumn and the Big Boys dispensed with Him before spring. While attending_this_institution of Yearning I had my first attack of Love. The Nectarine was the Squintessence of chubby Saccharinity, and I had it Bad. When She was with the common little girls She looked like a Gold Dollar among a lot of Worm Lozenges. I used to lie Awake half the night wondering what Else I could do for Her next day. The last thing at dark after I had locked the Smoke-house and carried in the Stove-wood and kindling and had laundered the Factory-sites from my Underpinning, I would go and stand in the Tansy-bed and peek through the Palings toward Her house, where the Coal-oil lamp was burning in the Kitchen. As Her mother walked back and forth between the Lamp and the window, making the light disappear and re-appear, I played it was Jule winking at me. That gave me queer, crinkly feelings up the Spine of my Back. Once while I was standing there in the Tansy bed a Toad hopped up on one of my feet and it almost Scared the Toad to death. Then in the morning when I woke from troubled dreams of Her I would slip into my blue overalls, slide my one Bed-ticking Gallus over my shoulder, Sneak to the cellar and go over all the apples in the barrel, yet again trying to find a still Redder one than I gave her yesterday. Once when I had Eaten something that I longed for its Freedom once again, I had a Pain that kept me awake almost an Hour. I thought beautiful Thoughts. I could see me Lying in a large Box with silver Handles and Her looking at my Quiet Face and crying. It was the Happiest moment of my Life, as I lay there Dead. Then I happened to think that I had never read of a case of that kind where the Late Lamented had freckles as big as mine. She had light blue eyes, lovely white hair, and O so many Teeth. She had so many of them that she Never could Fence them all in at Once with what few Lips she had. She was very Pleasant because She couldn't help Grinning unless She put Something over Her Mouth. I used to think, as I looked at Her Mouth, of an old Bantam hen I had once seen trying to Hover a flock of Goslings. It was the same sort of Failure. I wondered if she had Taken Her face apart some time like I did with my Waterbury watch, and couldn't get all the Works back in the Case again. Her She wasn't freckled like other Children. freckles were smaller and looked more like Nutmeg grated on Custard. Yes, She was a very Pretty little Girl. She was a Swell dresser, but not Proud. There was hardly a Week that she didn't have on a clean gingham apron right out of the Wash, and she changed the Calico string on her Braid twice every School Year. She never used an old Dirty rag to clean Her Slate, like the other Girls. She took the back part of Her Apron. I used to sit and Goggle at Her and think what all I'd give to kiss Her. There was my new Suspenders with the Elastic in them and the Elephant Buckles and the Blue stripes; my new Red necktie; my Mother Goose Book and the candy Apple that was in the Next-to-the-top Bureau drawer. I used to drink out of the District Tin Cup right after Her whenever I got a chance. Once when there was a Spelling at night Mother let me go home with Jule for supper. We had Mush and Jule's mother scolded Her for bringing Me. But on the way Back when we got to the dark place by the edge of Smith's Orchard, I asked Jule if I could kiss her. She said "Yes, what For?" And I did. It didn't cost me anything at all. And I still had my Suspenders with the Elastic and the Elephant Buckles and the Stripes, and my red Necktie and my Mother Goose book and my candy Apple in the Next-to-the-top Bureau drawer. And the Kiss, too. It would have been a Good Deal nicer Kiss if there had been more Lips and less Teeth. But they were Her teeth. 20 HUMOR AND THE HUMORIST. When her father got a Job as floor-walker in a Saw-mill in the next Township, and they moved Away, I thought I'd die. I Wanted to. My father helped move them and when he came Back I asked him how Jule was. He said "Who's Jule? That Tow-headed bunch o' Teeth, with th' blue apern an' th' skimmilk Eyes?" I didn't speak to my Father for two Hours afterward. In three weeks I had forgot Jule, and was carrying Red apples to another Apricot that I had previously Overlooked. INDIVIDUAL views inconsistent with personal experience are dangerous clowns in the business arena. THE present is but the cradle of the future, and to-day's efforts the father of to-morrow's accomplishments. How often the intellectual powers of the mind are crucified upon the cross of prejudiced custom. It is better to become the slave of truth than bend to the servitude of deception. A WOMAN never controls a man until she is reconciled and willing to have a man control her. A GREAT deal of business revenue filters through the inexperienced fingers of subordinate opinion. A WOMAN may shame a man into doing right once, while she can charm him into doing so indefinitely. WE cannot consistently defy public opinion, or safely antagonize an established code or ethics. THERE are lots of men who never earnestly approve a thing, unless they proposed or suggested it themselves. CHILDREN are often the moral safeguard that hold together the frictionworn bonds of matrimony. SELF-ASSERTION, when backed by knowledge and experience, is both valuable and effective, but without the above requisites it becomes expensive and ridiculous. GRATITUDE is a four-leaf clover found occasionally in the pasture of unappreciated kindness. THE influence of a superior woman often lifts an inferior man to her level. WHILE the appeal to a man's pride may be but temporary, the application to his conceit is everlasting. MORBID Confessions often create a condition unexpected and unsatisfactory to both the confessor and penitent. THERE is a wide line of business worth to be drawn between the accomplishment of dispatch and the misfortune of haste. THE intuition and advice of a good woman is a first-class harbor to steer for in event of a broken compass. "AS THE TREES LIVE." BY ARTHUR G. LEWIS. As the trees grow, so lives perfect love, 'Tis only passion flowers, that bloom inconstantly, As the trees bloom, evergreen in hope, So doth love its heart-bound offering bring, As the trees live, so lives pure affection, "STUB ENDS OF THOUGHT" in book form, bound in silk cloth (104 pages), may be obtained from the author, Arthur G. Lewis, Norfolk, Va. Price $1.00, postpaid. TRAINS "EVERY OTHER HOUR ON THE EVEN HOUR"- NEW YORK TO WASHINGTON. CONDENSED SCHEDULE ROYAL BLUE TRAINS OF THE B. & O. EAST AND WEST. WASHINGTON, BALTIMORE & OHIO R. R. ROYAL BLUE TRAINS FROM BALTIMORE & OHIO R. R. ROYAL BLUE TRAINS FROM NEW YORK TO EFFECTIVE NOV. 27, 1904. WESTWARD No. 503 No. 511 No. 515 DAILY 8.00 11.30 1.00 3.00 PM 5.00 PM PM AM 2.57 1.55 3.48 6.00 6.00 8.32 8.43 PM PM PM PM Lv. NEW YORK, 230 STREET Lv. NEW YORK, LIBERTY STREET AR. BALTIMORE, MT. ROYAL STATION.. 1.50 3.50 5.50 6.50 11.50 7.00 12.15 12.30 2.14 4.16 6.18 9.48 12.49 2.43 4.14 6.09 8.16 BALTIMORE & OHIO R. R. ROYAL BLUE TRAINS TO ALL Through Pullman Sleepers to all points. N Connection east of Philadelphia is made with No. 509, "Royal Limited." TRAINS "EVERY HOUR ON THE HOUR" BETWEEN WASHINGTON AND BALTIMORE. TRAINS "EVERY OTHER HOUR ON THE ODD HOUR"-WASHINGTON TO NEW YORK. THROUGH PULLMAN PALACE CAR SERVICE. OPERATED BY THE BALTIMORE & OHIO RAILROAD COMPANY. ROYAL BLUE TRAINS OF THE BALTIMORE & OHIO R. R. FINEST SERVICE IN THE WORLD. SOLID VESTIBULED TRAINS. PARLOR COACHES. Between Washington, Baltimore, Philadelphia and New York. EASTWARD. No. 512. Drawing Room Buffet Sleeping Cars from St. Louis and Pittsburg to New York. Drawing Room Sleeping Car Pittsburg to Philadelphia. No. 504. Drawing Room Parlor Car Washington to New York. Dining Car, a la carte, Washington to Philadelphia. No. 526. Five Hour Train. Drawing Room Buffet Parlor Car Washington to New York. No. 522. Drawing Room Parlor Car Washington to New York. Dining Car, a la carte, Baltimore to New York. No. 528. Drawing Room Parlor Car Washington to New York. Dining Car, a la carte, Baltimore to New York. No. 502. Drawing Room Parlor Car Washington to New York. Dining Car, a la carte, Washington to Philadelphia. No. 524. "Royal Limited." Five Hour Train. Exclusively Pullman Equipment. Buffet Smoking Car, Parlor and Observation Cars Washington to New York. Dining Car, table d'hote, Philadelphia to New York. fare other than regular Pullman charge. No extra No. 506. Drawing Room Parlor Car Washington to New York. Dining Car, table d'hote, Baltimore to New York. No. 514. Separate Pullman Sleeping Cars Washington and Baltimore to New York. WESTWARD. Observation Parlor Car Baltimore to Washington No. 505. Drawing Room Sleeping Car New York to Chicago. and Pittsburg. No. 509. "Royal Limited." Exclusively Pullman Equipment. Buffet Smoking Car, Parlor and Observation Cars. Dining Car, table d'hote, New York to Washington. No extra fare other than regular Pullman charge. No. 503. Drawing Room Parlor Car New York to Washington. Dining Car, a la carte, New York to Baltimore. No. 511. Drawing Room Buffet Parlor Car New York to Washington. No. 515. Separate Sleeping Cars New York to Philadelphia, Baltimore and Washington. Between New York, Philadelphia, Baltimore, Washington, Pittsburg, Wheeling, WESTWARD. No. Observation 1. Drawing Room Sleeping Car New York to St. Louis. Observation Sleeping Car Washington to Cincinnati. Dining Cars serve all meals. Parlor Car Cincinnati to St. Louis. Cafe Parlor Car Cincinnati to Louisville. Parlor and Sleeping Car Washington to Luray and Elkton via N. & W. Ry. No. 7. Drawing Room Sleeping Car New York to Chicago via Grafton and Bellaire. Drawing Room Sleeping Car Baltimore to Columbus. Drawing Room Sleeping Car Washington to Wheeling. Dining Cars serve all meals. No. 9. Buffet Drawing Room Sleeping Car Washington to Cleveland and Sleeping Car Baltimore to Pittsburg. No. 3. Drawing Room Sleeping Car New York to St. Louis. Pullman Drawing Room Sleeping Car Washington to Parkersburg. Cafe Parlor Car Cincinnati to Louisville. Dining Cars serve all meals. No. 11. "Pittsburg Limited." Drawing Room Buffet Sleeping Car New York to Pittsburg. Drawing Room Sleeping Car Philadelphia to Pittsburg. Dining Car Connellsville to Pittsburg. No. 5. Drawing Room Sleeping Car New York to Chicago. Observation Parlor Car Baltimore to Pittsburg. Drawing Room Sleeping Car Pittsburg to Chicago. Dining Cars serve dinner, supper and breakfast. No. 15. Buffet Drawing Room Sleeping Car Pittsburg to Chicago. Buffet Drawing Room Sleeping Car Wheeling to Chicago. Drawing Room Buffet Sleeping Car Cleveland to Chicago. No. 55. Drawing Room Buffet Sleeping Car New York to Cincinnati. Parlor Car Baltimore to Wheeling. Dinner at Cumberland. Dining Car Grafton to Cincinnati. EASTWARD. No. 2. Drawing Room Sleeping Car St. Louis to New York. Observation Sleeping Car Cincinnati to Washington. Dining Cars serve all meals. Parlor Car St. Louis to Cincinnati. Parlor Car Louisville to Cincinnati. Parlor Car Washington to New York. No. 4. Drawing Room Sleeping Car Cincinnati to New York. Drawing Room Sleeping Car Parkersburg to Washington. Drawing Room Sleeping Car Wheeling to Washington. Dining Cars serve all meals. No. 6. Drawing Room Sleeping Car Chicago to New York via Pittsburg. Observation Parlor Car Pittsburg to Washington. Drawing Room Sleeping Car Chicago to Pittsburg. Dining Cars serve all meals. No. 8. Drawing Room Sleeping Car Chicago to New York. Drawing Room Sleeping Car Columbus to Washington. Parlor Car Washington to New York. Dining Cars serve all meals except breakfast at Cumberland. Observation Parlor and Sleeping Car Elkton and Luray, Va., to Washington, via N. & W. Ry. No. 10. Sleeping Car Pittsburg to Baltimore. Buffet Drawing Room Sleeping Car Cleveland to Washington. No. 12. "Duquesne Limited." Drawing Room Sleeping Car Pittsburg to Philadelphia. Buffet Drawing Room Sleeping Car Pittsburg to New York. Drawing Room Sleeping Car St. Louis to New York. Dining Car Pittsburg to Connellsville. Dining Car Cincinnati to Grafton. No. 14. Buffet Drawing Room Sleeping Car Chicago to Pittsburg. Cleveland. Parlor Car Pittsburg to Cumberland. No. 14. Buffet Drawing Room Sleeping Car Chicago to Wheeling. Buffet Drawing Room Sleeping Car Chicago to Parlor Car Wheeling to Baltimore. |