PREFACE.

HE wits of the prefent age being fo very numerous and penetrating, it feems, the grandees of church and state begin to fall under horrible apprehenfions, left these gentlemen, during the intervals of a long peace, fhould find leisure to pick holes in the weak fides of religion and government. To prevent which, there has been much thought employed of late upon certain projects for taking off the force and edge of those formidable enquirers, from canvaffing and reafoning upon fuch delicate points. They have at length fixed upon one, which will require fome time as well as coft to perfect. Mean while, the danger hourly encreafing by new levies of wits all appointed (as there is reason to fear) with pen, ink, and paper, which may at an hour's warning be drawn out into pamphlets, and other offenfive weapons, ready for immediate execution; it was judged of abfolute neceffity, that fome prefent expedient be thought on, till the main defign can be brought to maturity. To this end, at a grand committee fome days ago, this important discovery was made by a certain curious and refined observer, That feamen have a cuftom, when they meet a ruhak, to fling him out an empty tub by way of amufement, to divert him from laying violent hands upon the fhip. This parable was immediately mythologised: the whale was interpreted to be Hobbes's Leviathan, which toffes and plays with all schemes of religion and government, whereof a great many are hollow, and dry, and empty, and noify, and wooden, and given to rotation: this is the leviathan, from whence the terrible wits of our age are faid to borrow their weapons. The ship in danger is easily understood to be its old antitype the commonwealth. But how to analyfe the tab was a matter of dif

ficulty:

ficulty when, after long enquiry and debate, the literal meaning was preferved; and it was decreed, that, in order to prevent thefe leviathans from toffing and fporting with the commonwealth, which of itself is too apt to fluctuate, they fhould be diverted from that game by a Tale of a Tub. And, my genius being conceived to lie not unhappily that way, I had the honour done me to be engaged in the performance.

This is the fole design in publishing the following treatise, which I hope will ferve for an interim of fome months to employ thofe unquiet fpirits, till the perfecting of that great work; into the fecret of which, it is reasonable the courteous reader fhould have fome little light.

It is intended, that a large academy be erected, capable of containing nine thousand feven hundred forty and three perfons: which by modeft computation is reckoned to be pretty near the current number of wits in this ifland. Thefe are to be difpofed into the feveral schools of this academy, and there pursue those studies to which their genius moft inclines them. The undertaker himself will publifh his propofals with all convenient speed, to which I fhall refer the curious reader for a more particular account, mentioning at prefent only a few of the principal schools: there is, firft, a large pederastic fchool, with French and Italian masters. There is, alfo, the Spelling school, a very spacious building: the school of looking-glasses: the school of fearing: the school of criticks: the fchool of falivation: the school of hobby-horses: the fchool of poetry: *the fchool of tops: the fchool of Spleen: the school of gaming: with many others, too tedious to recount. No perfon to be admitted member into any of thefe fchools without an atteftation under two fufficient perfons hands, certifying him to be a wit.

*This I think the author should have omitted, it being of The very fame nature with the jckoul of bolby-borfes, if one may

venture to cenfure one, who is fo levere a cenfurer of others, perhaps with too little diftinction.

But

*

But to return: I am fufficiently inftructed in the principal duty of a preface, if my genius were capable of arriving at it. Thrice have I forced my imagination to make the tour of my invention, and thrice it has returned empty; the latter having been wholly drained by the following treatise. Not fo my more fuccefsful brethren the moderns, who will by no means let flip a preface or dedication, without fome notable diftinguifhing ftroke to furprise the reader at the entry, and kindle a wonderful expectation of what is to enfue. Such was that of a moft ingenious poet, who, folliciting his brain for fomething new, compared himself to the hangman, and his patron to the patient: this was infigne, recens, indicum ore alio. When I went through that neceffary and noble † course of study, I had the happinefs to obferve many fuch egregious touches, which I fhall not injure the authors by tranfplanting: because I have remarked, that nothing is fo very tender as a medern piece of wit, and which is apt to fuffer fo much in the carriage. Some things are extremely witty to-day, or fafiing, or in this place, or at eight a clock, or over a bottle, or spoke by Mr. Whatd'y'callm, or in a fummer's morning any of the which, by the fmalleft tranfpofal or mifapplication, is utterly annihilate. Thus, wit has its walks and purlieus, out of which it may not ftray the breadth of an hair, upon peril of being loft. The moderns have artfully fixed this mercury, and reduced it to the circumstances of time, place, and perfon. Such a jeft there is, that will not pafs out of Co-vent-Garden ; and fuch a one, that is no-where intelligible but at Hyde Park-Corner. Now, though it fometimes tenderly affects me to confider, that all the towardly paffages I shall deliver in the following treatise will grow quite out of date and relish with the first thifting of the prefent scene, yet I must needs subscribe to the justice of this proceeding; because I cannot imagine why we

* Hor. Something extraordinary, new, and never but upen

before.

† Reading prefaces, &c. should

fhould be at expence to furnish wit for fucceeding ages, when the former have made no fort of provifion for ours: wherein I speak the sentiment of the very newest, and confequently the most orthodox refiners, as well as my own. However, being extremely follicitous, that every accomplished perfon, who has got into the tafte of wit calculated for this prefent month of August, 1697, should defcend to the very bottom of all the Sublime throughout this treatise; I hold fit to lay down this general maxim, Whatever reader defires to have a thorough comprehenfion of an author's thoughts, cannot take a a better method, than by putting himself into the circumstances and postures of life that the writer was in apon every important paffage, as it flowed from his pen : for this will introduce a parity and ftrict correspondence of ideas between the reader and the author. Now, to affift the diligent reader in so delicate an affair, as far as brevity will permit, I have recollected, that the fhrewdest pieces of this treatise were conceived in bed, in a garret at other times, for a reason best known to myself, I thought fit to sharpen my invention with hunger; and, in general, the whole work was begun, continued, and ended, under a long courfe of phyfick, and a great want of money. Now, I do affirm, it will be abfolutely impoffible for the candid peruser to go along with me in a great many bright paffages, unlefs, upon the feveral difficulties emergent, he will please to capacitate and prepare himself by thefe directions. And this I lay down as my principal poftulatum.

Because I have profeffed to be a most devoted fervant of all modern forms, I apprehend fome curious wit may object against me, for proceeding thus far in a preface without declaiming, according to the custom, against the multitude of writers, whereof the whole multitude of writers most reafonably complain. I am juft come from perufing fome hundreds of prefaces, wherein the authors do at the very beginning addrefs the gentle reader concerning this enormous grievance. Of thefe 1 have preferved a few examples, and fhall fet them. down

down as near as my memory has been able to retain them.

One begins thus ;

For a man to set up for a writer, when the prefs fwarms with, &c.

Another;

The tax upon paper does not leffen the number of fcribblers, who daily pefter, &c.

Another;

When every little would-be-wit takes pen in hand, 'tis in vain to enter the lifts, &c.

Another;

To observe what trash the prefs fwarms with, &c.

Another;

Sir, It is merely in obedience to your commands, that I venture into the public; for who upon a less confideration would be of a party with such a rabble of jcribblers, &c.

Now, I have two words in my own defence against this objection. First, I am far from granting the number of writers a nuisance to our nation, having ftrenuously maintained the contrary in several parts of the following difcourfe. Secondly, I do not well understand. the justice of this proceeding; because I obferve many of these polite prefaces to be not only from the fame hand, but from those who are moft voluminous in their feveral productions. Upon which, I fhall tell the reader a fhort tale :

A mountebank, in Leicester-Fields, had drawn a huge affembly about him. Among the reft, a fat unwieldy fellow, half stifled in the prefs, would be every fit crying out, Lord! what a filthy croud is here! pray, good

2

people,