WOT'S CHRESAMAS CHEER.

EGLAR hamper cum creakin into yer doorstan, wi a turkey or a gooise in it, an a few uther matters ta keep t'poor things company, i' t'shap a sparib, poark-pies, sassages, or owt else at can be squeaz'd in nicely, sent throo a friend, a real friend; wun at hezzant a moative in it, or expecks az much or more i return for it-That's cheerin.

snaw

Та see a warmhearted benefacktor enter a poor man's cottage, when lays thick at hiz doorstan, an hickles, wi ther coud, icy look, grinin upa t'strawthackt eves, an summat more than a shack a t'hand, or "Ha do yo do?" iz heard ta saand-That's cheerin.

Ta see a goodly number a relashans an friends met tagether before a well-spred table, at t'owd haase at hoame-That's cheerin.

Ta hear t'favrit owd "Christians awake," chanted be little cherry-cheekt urchins, at foaks' doors at's willin ta hoppan it, an stop ther maaths wi some good thick shives a spice cake, and summat beside for ther pockit-That's

cheerin.

Ta see t'bauk in a wurkin-man's haase nicely ornamented wi flicks a hoame-fed bacon, an hiz pantry-shelves bendin like bows wi au soarts a good substanshal fare, an a barril a good home-brew'd, wi it spickit-an-fawcit, cronkt in a corner-That's cheerin.

EXPLENASHON OV A FEW DICKSHONERRY WORDS.

Accident-Fallin aht wi a kind friend, an breikin off hiz acquaintance.

Blush-A colour at owt to cum i sum foaks' faices offancer then it duz do.

Crust-Wot sum foaks dispises an thraws away, but ar glad ta get it befoar thay dee.

Dispair-A womman livin till shooze fifty, withaht havin hed an offer.

Evergreen-Foaks at's fond a flattery, an nivver can see when thare made gam on.

Fast-A man at ovverruns hiz incum. Ghoast-A hollow turnap stuck at t'end ov a besom shaft, wi a bit a leetad canal in it.

Hint-Stoppin late at a friend's hahce, an he keeps pullin his watch aht ta see wot time it iz. Imprisonment-Mackin a yung womman stop i t'hahce, at's gottan a new bonnit.

Jepordy-Pairtridge legs an wings, when t'cat iz lockt up i t'pantry all t'neet.

Keen-A hard landlord, an a miser's wish for gain.

Lancet-A slanderer's tongue.

Mask-Wot sum yung laidiz put on at times, when thay caan't just hev ther awn way.

Noa-What nivver a womman i t'wurld yit wor heard ta say, when shoo wor axt ta be wed. Odd-Owd batchillors.

Paishance-Goin a waukin wi yer wife, an waitin wal shooze gettin ready for startin. Queer-Owd maids.

Redickalas-A womman wi a gaan az far rahnd az a turn-table, an a bonnit na bigger then a skimin dish.

Stupid-Foaks at will hev it at ther awn way's t'best, an weant beleeve at two heads ar better then wun.

Twist-A thing at's offance ta be noatist at club dinners.

Ugly-A laidy at sixty-wun, wi turned-up hat an feathers.

Venom-A man doin wi hiz tongue what he'd do wi biz hands, if he durst.

Whip-A instrument ta mack horses ta goa, an asses ta feel.

Yarn-A tale spun be foaks at likes ta hear t'rattle a ther awn tawk.

Zigzag-T'road hoame ov a drunkard.

HAH TO HEV A "HAPPY NEW

YEAR."

DON'T grind ginger for ivvery little snubby-noaz'd dissapointment at may cum i yer way; but hev a heigher sperrit, an grind for noan but upgrown

ans.

Doant meet trubbles hauf way, for thare not wurth t'compliment.

neck an crop aght a yer company at t'same time. Keep yer tongue within yer teeth, an them at hez noan let em bind ther lips ovver ta keep t'peace.

Turn a deaf ear ta tale-bearers, an turn them

Live az far away throo a gossaper az yo weel can; an when onny do cum ta see yo, begin a sweeping t'hause floor, or hev all t'chair bottoms aght in a jiffy.

Goa to bed sooin ov a night, and look sooin when yo get up in a mornin.

Avoid kickin up a dust wi yer nabors; for it's stuff at nivver sattles daan, ardly, but hings like a claad raand yer doorstan.

Hev a wife at al allas see at theaze buttons sew'd a yer shert-neck or risbans, wi summat stronger than t'threed ov a arran-web-if yo can.

Court maids an widdazs, but no man's favours. Hoppan yer minds, an thraw aght az far az yo can skew em-malice, hatred, revenge, deceat, hypocrisy, jealousy, covetousness, an ivverything else at objeckts ta yo doin az yod be dun by.

Hook yer wife's gaan when shoo axes yo, but avoid rufflin hur temper at onny time.

Mind yer awn biznass, an hev a mind aboon envyin uther foaks's.

Goa ta cherch wi a nice young womman, an get t'parson ta put on hiz white gaan, an rub t'musty title ov "owd batchillor" off an yo.

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Avoid goin ta relashans for help; if yo do, yol find at thave noan.

Doant meddle wi onnyboddiz else bairns but yer awn; if yo do, yo may hev a medly a musick abaght yer ears at al not varry sooin subside.

MAKING

To this the Koh-inoor replied, by asking if the other meant to insult him. Whereto the young man John rejoined that he had no particul'r intentions one way or t'other. The Koh-i-noor then suggested the young man's stepping out into the yard, that he, the speaker, might slap his chops." "Let 'em alone," said young Maryland-"it'll soon be over, and they won't hurt each other much." So they went out.

66

The Koh-i-noor entertained the very common idea that, when one quarrels with another, the simple thing to do is to knock the man down, and there is the end of it. Now those who have watched such encounters are aware of two things —first, that it is not so easy to knock a man down as it is to talk about it; secondly, that if you do happen to knock a man down, there is a very good chance that he will be angry, and get up and give you a thrashing.

So the Koh-i-noor thought he would begin, as soon as they got into the yard, by knocking his man down, and with this intention swung his arm round after the fashion of rustics and those unskilled in the noble art, expecting the young fellow John to drop when his fist, having completed a quarter of a circle, should come in contact with the side of that young man's head. Unfortunately for this theory, it happens that a blow struck out straight is as much shorter, and therefore as much quicker than the rustic's swinging blow, as the radius is shorter than the quarter of a circle. The mathematical and mechanical corollary was, that the Koh-i-noor felt something hard bring up suddenly against his right eye, which something he could have sworn was a paving-stone, judging by his sensations; and as this threw his person somewhat backwards, and the young man

John jerked his own head back a little, the swinging blow had nothing to stop it; and as the Jewel staggered between the hit he got and the blow he missed, he tripped and "went to grass," so far as the back yard of our boarding house was provided with that vegetable. It was a signal illustration of that fatal mistake, so frequent in young and ardent natures with inconspicuous calves and negative pectorals, that they can settle most little quarrels on the spot by "knocking the man down." We are in the habit of handling our faces so carefully, that a heavy blow, taking effect on that portion of the surface, produces a most unpleasant surprise, which is accompanied with odd sensations, as of seeing sparks, and a kind of electrical or ozone-like odour, half sulphurous in character, and which has given rise to a very vulgar and profane threat sometimes heard from the lips of bullies. A person not used to pugilistic gestures does not instantly recover from this surprise. The Koh-inoor, exasperated by his failure, and still a little confused by the smart hit he had received, but furious, and confident of victory over a young fellow a good deal lighter than himself, made a desperate rush to bear down all before him and finish the contest at once. That is the way all angry greenhorns and incompetent persons attempt to settle matters. It doesn't do, if the other fellow is only cool, moderately quick, and has a very little science. It didn't do this time; for as the assailant rushed in with his arms flying everywhere, like the vans of a windmill, he ran a prominent feature of his face against a fist which was travelling in the other direction, and immediately after struck the knuckles of the young man's other fist a severe blow with the part of his person known as the epigastrium to one branch of science and the bread-basket to another. This second round closed the battle. The Koh-i-noor had got enough, which in such cases is more than as good as a feast. The young fellow asked him if he was satisfied, and held out his hand. But the other sulked, and muttered something about revenge. "Jest as y' like," said the young man John. "Clap a slice o' raw beefsteak on to that mouse o' yours, 'n' 't'll take down the swellin'" (mouse is a technical term for a bluish, oblong, rounded elevation occasioned by running one's forehead or eyebrow against another's knuckles). The young fellow was particularly pleased that he had had an opportunity of trying his proficiency in the art of self-defence without the gloves. The Koh-i-noor did not favour us with his company for a day or two, being confined to his chamber, it was said, by a slight

feverish attack.

ERY fair, this. " Boy," said an ill-tempered old fellow to a noisy lad, "what are you hollerin' for when I am going by?" "Humph!" returned the boy, "what are you going by for when I am hollerin'?" "SAM," said a lady to a milk-boy, "I guess, from the looks of your milk, that your mother put dirty water in it." "No, she didn't, nother," replied the boy; "for I seed her draw it clean out of the well 'fore she put it in."

SOME stolen apples having been found in his pocket, Jack was called up by the schoolmaster to account for his possession of them. His defence showed the future "great lawyer." "The apples,"

66

said he, were Tom's, and I don't know how he got them; and now they're mine, and he doesn't know how I got them."

"JOSEPH," said a pedagogue to a boy who came late one day, "where have you been for the last hour?" 66 Nowhere," meekly replied Joe. "Nowhere!" fiercely echoed the teacher, who was wont to swagger about his little kingdom like a Gulliver in Lilliput "where is that?" "I don't know," replied Joe, as he scratched his head and looked down upon the floor-"I guess it aint anywhere." "And what were you doing there?" demanded the pedagogue, again scowling, still more fiercely. "I wasn't doing anything. I had nothing to do, and so I went nowhere!"

"OUR LITTLE BOBBY," of four years, had been lectured by his aunt on the evil of disobedience to parents, and the example was shown him of a boy who disobeyed his mother, and went to the river and got drowned. "Did he die?" said Bobby, who had given the story all due attention. "Yes," was the serious reply. "What did they do with him?" asked Bobby, after a moment's reflection. "Carried him home," replied the monitor, with due solemnity. After turning the matter over in his mind, as it was hoped profitably, he looked up and closed the conversation by asking, "Why didn't they chuck him in again ?"

A SUB-COMMITTEE of a school committee, not a thousand miles from the City, were examining a class in a proprietary school. One of the members undertook to sharpen up their wits by propounding the following question:-"If I had a mincepie and should give two-twelfths to John, two-twelfths to Isaac, two-twelfths to Harry, and should keep half of the pie for myself, what would there be left ?" There was a profound study among the boys, but finally one lad held up his hand as a signal that he was ready to answer. "Well, sir,

what would there be left ? Speak up loudly so that all can hear," said the committee-man. "The plate!" shouted the hopeful fellow. The committee-man turned red in the face, while the other members roared aloud. That boy was excused from answering any more questions.

A CERTAIN Sunday-school teacher was in the habit of making a collection in his juvenile class for missionary objects every Sunday; and this box received stores of pennies which might otherwise have found their way to the drawers of the confectioner and toy-man. He was not a little surprised, one Sunday, to find a country note crushed in among the weight of copper coin. He was not long in finding it to be on a broken bank; and on asking the class who put it there, the donor was soon pointed out to him by his mates, who had seen him deposit it, and thought it a very benevolent gift. "Didn't you know that this note was good for nothing? "Yes," answered the boy." "Then what did you put it in the box for ?" "I didn't difference, and thought it would be just as good the little heathen would know the for them."

suppose

A Boy's LETTER.-"Now, Bob, I'll tell you what I want. I want you to come down here for the holidays. Don't be afraid. Ask your sister to ask your mother to ask your father to let you come. It's only ninety mile. If you're out of pocket money you can walk, and beg a lift now and then, or swing by the dickeys. Put on cordroys, and don't care for the cut behind. The two prentices, George and Will, are here to be made farmers of; and brother Nick is took home from school, to help in agriculture. We like farming very much; it's capital fun. Us four have got a gun, and go out shooting; it's a famous good un, and sure to go off if you don't full cock it. Tiger is to be our shooting dog, as soon as he has left off killing the sheep. He's a real savage, and worries cats beautiful. Before father comes down, we mean to bait our bull with him. There's plenty of New Rivers about, and we're going a-fishing as soon as of our sheep on the sly, to get gentles. We've a we have mended our top joint. We've killed one pony, too, to ride upon, when we can catch him; but he's loose in the paddock, and has neither name nor tail to signify to lay hold of. Isn't it You must come. prime, Bob? If your mother won't give your father leave to allow you-run away. Remember, you turn up Goswell Street to go to Lincolnshire, and ask for Middlefen Hall. There's a pond full of frogs, but we won't pelt them till you come; but let it be before Sunday, as there's our own orchard to rob, and the fruit's to be gathered on Monday. If you like sucking raw eggs, we know where the hens lay, and mother don't; and I'm bound there's lots of birds' nests. Do come, Bob, and I'll show you the wasps' nest, and everything that can make you comfortable. I dare say you could borrow your father's volunteer musket of him, without his knowing of it; but be sure anyhow to bring the ramrod, as we have mislaid ours by firing it off."

"To London I'll go from my

charmer."

Which he did, with his loot

(Seven hats and a flute),

And was nabbed for his Syden

ham armour

At Mr. Ben-Samuel's suit.

Sir Guy he was lodged in the Compter;

Her pa, in a rage.

Died (don't know his age);

His daughter she married the

prompter, Grew bulky and quitted the

stage.