crame, but not in the saucers." Paddy got his money and gave the "resate” when the doctor reached his destination. AN Irish guide told Dr. James Johnson, who wished for a reason why echo was always of the feminine gender that " Maybe it was because she always had the last word." AN Irish orange-seller offered his fruits for sale, and warranted them sweet. "How will I find out they are sweet unless I taste them?" inquired a purchaser. "Sure," said Pat, "if you take a dozen you may eat them, and if they aren't good uns I'll change 'em." the rope might be tied under his arms, instead of AN Irishman going to be hanged begged that round the throat; "for," said Pat, "I am so reAN Irishman one day met his priest at a mile-markably ticklish in the throat, that if tied there stone. "Arrah, your riverence, saving your pre- I'll certainly kill myself with laughter.” sence, there's a praist," said he, pointing to the milestone. "A priest! why do you call that a priest, Mike?" Why, your riverence, 'tis at least like a praist, for it points the road it never goes itself." 66 "WHEN Wilkie came to Edinburgh," said his landlady, "he rented one of my attics, and I had an Irishman in the first floor; but in course of time they changed places. And so I always find it. The Irishmen begin in the first floor and end in the garret, while the Scotchmen begin in the garret and end in the first floor." MR. BARON PLATT, at the Westmoreland Assizes, in a colloquy with an Irish thief, asked, "Why did you not stay in your own country, and rob there?" Mr. Serjeant Murphy, with ready wit, answered for his countryman, "Because, my lord, there is nothing to steal there." MALONY says, the reason he don't get married is, that his house is not large enough to contain the consequences. JUST put that back where you took it from!" as the Irish lass said when young Rory snatched a kiss. "DID you ever know anybody to be killed by lightning?" Never by lightning," replied Pat, in an undertone. "It's thunder, shure, as knocks A LADY made a Christmas present to an old'em to pieces in the ould counthry." servant a few days before it might have been expected. It was gratefully received, with the following Hibernian expression of thanks :-" I, am very much obliged to you indeed, ma'am ; and wish you many returns of the season before it comes!" A WESTERN physician was riding in an omnibus, when an Irishman stepped in, and recognising the doctor, said—" Och, an' sure, an' it's Dochtor J I persave." "That's my name, sir, but I haven't the pleasure of knowing you," responded the polite doctor. "Indade! but I'm the felly what made yer last boots, and which yer honour forgot to get a resate for the payment ov!" The ladies tittered, the doctor's memory was refreshed, and TEDDY O'FLANNIGAN, with his uncle, being at sea in a great storm, he waked his uncle, who was asleep, told him he was afraid he would be drowned, and know nothing at all, at all, of the matter, and then when he waked in the other world, he would be angry with him for not telling him. AN Irish footman, who got a situation at the West-end of London, on entering a room where there was a vase with golden fish, exclaimed, "Well, this is the first time I ever saw red herrings alive." SOME folks accuse pigs of being filthy in their habits, and negligent in their personal appearance. But whether food is best eaten off the ground, or in a China plate, is, it seems to us, merely a matter of taste and convenience, on which pigs and men may honestly differ. They ought, then, to be judged charitably. At any rate, pigs are not filthy enough to chew tobacco, nor poison their breath by drinking whiskey. As to their personal appearance, you don't catch a pig playing the dandy, nor picking his way up the muddy streets in kid slippers. Pigs have some excellent traits of chaIf one chances to wallow a little deeper racter. in some mire-hole than his neighbour, and so carries off and comes in possession of more of the earth than his brethren, he never assumes an extra importance on that account; neither are his brethren stupid enough to worship him for it. Their only question seems to be, is he still a hog? If he is, they treat him as such. And when a hog has no merits of his own, he never puts on any aristocratic airs, nor claims any particular respect on account of his family connections. They understand full well the common-sense maxim, "Every tub must stand upon its own bottom."Jerrold. TWO PICKINGS THAT Coachman, of all the swells that ever flourished a whip, professionally, might have been elected an emperor. He didn't handle his gloves like another man, but put them on-even when he was standing on the pavement quite detached from the coach-as if the four greys were, somehow or other, at the ends of his fingers. It was the same with his hat. He did things with his hat which nothing but an unlimited knowledge of horses and the wildest freedom of the road could ever have made him perfect in. Valuable little parcels were brought to him with particular instructions, and he pitched them into his hat, and stuck it on again, as if the laws of gravity did not admit of such an event as its being knocked off, and nothing like an accident could befal it. The FROM DICKENS. guard, too! Seventy breezy miles a day were written in his very whiskers. His manners were a canter; his conversation a round trot. He was a fast coach upon a down-hill turnpike-road; he was all pace. A wagon couldn't have moved slowly with that guard and his key-bugle on the top of it.-Martin Chuzzlewit. IN front of a big bookcase, in a big chair, behind a big table, and before a big volume, sat Mr. Nupkins, looking a full size larger than any one of them, big as they were. The table was adorned with piles of papers: and above the farther end of it appeared the head and shoulders of Mr. Jinks, the clerk, who was busily engaged in looking as busy as possible.—Pickwick. I CALCULATE I Couldn't drive a trade with you to-day?" said a true specimen of a Yankee pedlar at the door of a merchant in St. Louis. “I calculate you calculate about right, for you cannot," was the sneering reply. "Wall, I guess you needn't get huffy about it. Now here's a dozen real genuine razor strops, worth two dollars and a half; you may have 'em at two dollars." "I tell you I don't want any of your trash, so you had better be going." "Wall, now, I declare I'll bet you five dollars if you make me an offer for them are strops, we'll have a trade yet." "Done!" replied the merchant, placing the money in the hands of a bystander. The Yankee deposited the like sum, when the merchant offered him a couple of cents for his strops. "They're yourn," said the Yankee, as he pocketed the stakes. But he added, with apparent honesty, "I calculate a joke's a joke; and if you don't want them strops I'll trade back." The merchant's countenance brightened as he replied, "You're not so bad a chap, after all. Here are the strops-give me the money." "There it is," said the Yankee, as he received the strops, and passed over the couple of cents. "A trade's a trade, and now you're wide awake in earnest. I guess the next time you trade you'll do a little better than buy razor strops." And away he went with his strops and his wager, amid the shouts of the laughing crowd. SOME ONCE on a time, a Yankee who was travelling through Kentucky had a fine horse, and no money. He had taught the animal to lie down or sit on his haunches when the bridle was pulled pretty hard. Our traveller saw no way of replenishing his purse but by selling his horse, and this he resolved to do the first opportunity. As he was going slowly along he saw a hunter at some distance from the road, whom he rode up to and accosted. In the course of the conversation he told the latter that he had an invaluable horse to sell a horse that would act precisely like a setter when he was in the vicinity of game. Casting his eyes around, at the same time discovering some fresh rabbit tracks, he gave the bridle a jerk. The docile quadruped immediately lay down. "There are some rabbits here," said the rider, "I know by his ears." The Kentuckian, curious to test the reputed sagacity of the horse, searched HOSS. around, and, sure enough, started three or four rabbits. He was greatly surprised, but the Yankee took the affair as a matter of course. To make a long story short, the wonderful horse changed hands on the spot, 300 dollars being the consideration. His new owner mounted him, and with characteristic hospitality the Yankee agreed to accompany him home. They soon came to a stream, which they had to cross, and which was rather deep for horsemen. Judge of the Kentuckian's dismay when, on pulling the bridle in the middle of the river, his steed subsided in the running waters as if he were a hippopotamus. "How is this?" he roared out, nothing but his head visible. The Yankee, who was mounted on the hunter's other horse, was not disconcerted in the least, but replied coolly, "Oh, I forgot to tell you he is as good for fish as he is for rabbits!" JOKES BY LUTTRELL. "Killed by an omnibus! Why not? WHEN Mr. Croker had charged the public with his war salary, on account of the doings at Algiers, and thereby excited much indignation, it happened that some one at dinner talked of the name of Croker Mountains, given to land supposed to be seen in one of the voyages to the North Pole. 'Does anything grow on them?" said some one. "Only a little wild celery (salary)," said Luttrell. 66 IN talking of the Eumelian Club, of which Ashe was the founder, somebody said that a son of that Ashe was at present chairman of it. "Still in its ashes live their wonted fires." said Luttrell. TRYING A DYE.* BY SAMUEL WARREN. NCE again Mr. Tittlebat Titmouse read over the atrocious puffs which had overnight inflated him to such a degree, and he now saw that they were all lies. This is a sample of them: "This divine fluid, as it was enthusiastically styled to the inventor, by the lovely Duchess of Dunderwhistle, possesses the inestimable and astonishing quality of changing hair, of whatever colour, to a dazzling jet-black; at the same time imparting to it a rich glossy appearance, which wonderfully contributes to the imposing toutensemble presented by those who use it. That well-known ornament of the circle of fashion, the young and lovely Mrs. F, owned to the proprietor that to this surprising fluid it was that she was indebted for those unrivalled raven ringlets which attracted the eyes of envying and admiring crowds," and so forth. A little further on:-"This exquisite effect is not in all cases produced instantaneously; much will of course depend, as the celebrated M. Dupuytren, of the Hôtel Dieu at Paris, informed the inventor, on the physical idiosyncrasy of the party using it, with reference to the constituent particles of the colouring matter constituting the fluid in the capillary vessels. Often a single application suffices to change the most hopeless-looking head of red hair to as deep a black; but not unfrequently the hair passes through intermediate shades and tints-all, however, ultimately settling into a deep and permanent black." This passage not a little revived the drooping spirits of Titmouse. Accidentally, however, an asterisk at the last word in the above sentence, directed his eye to a note at the bottom of the page, printed in such minute type as would have baffled any but the strongest sight and most determined eye to read, and which said note was as follows: that is to say "Though cases do, undoubtedly, occasionally occur, in which the native inherent indestructible qualities of the hair defy all attempts at change, or even modification, and resist even this potent remedy-of which, however, in all his experience [the wonderful specific has been invented for about six months]," the inventor has known but very few instances." But to this exceedingly select class of unfortunate incurables, poor Titmouse, alas! entertained a dismal suspicion that he belonged! "Look, sir! Look! Only look here what your cussed stuff has done to my hair!" said Titmouse, on presenting himself soon afterwards to the gentleman who had sold him the terrible liquid; and plucking off his hat, exposed his green hair. The gentleman, however, did not appear to be at all surprised, or discomposed. "Ah-yes! I see I see. You're in the intermediate stage. It differs in different people -" "Differs, sir! I'm going mad! I look like a green monkey-cuss me if I don't!" "In me, now," replied the gentleman, with a matter-of-fact air, "the colour was a strong yellow. But have you read the explanations that are given in the wrapper?" "Read 'em?" echoed Titmouse furiously-"I should think so! Much good they do me! Sir, you're a humbug!-an impostor! I'm a sight to be seen for the rest of my life. Look at me, sir! Eyebrows, whiskers, and all!" "Rather a singular appearance, just at present, I must own," said the gentleman, his face turning suddenly red all over with the violent effort he was making to prevent an explosion of laughter. He soon, however, recovered himself, and added coolly, "If you'll only persevere 66 Persevere be hanged!" interrupted Titmouse, violently clapping his hat on his head. "I'll teach you to persevere in taking in the public. I'll have a warrant out against you in no time!" "Oh, my dear sir, I'm accustomed to all this!" said the gentleman coolly. "You are!" gasped Titmouse, who seemed quite aghast. "Oh, often-often, while the liquid is performing the first stage of the change; but in a day or two afterwards, the parties generally come back smiling into my shop, with heads as black as crows." "No! But really-do they, sir?" interrupted Titmouse, drawing a long breath. "Hundreds, I may say thousands, my dear sir. And one lady gave me a picture of herself, in her black hair, to make up for her abuse to me when it was in a puce colour-fact, honour!" "But do you recollect any one's hair turning green, and then getting black?" inquired Titmouse with trembling anxiety. 66 Recollect any? Fifty at least. For instance, there was Lord Andrew Addlehead-but why should I mention names? I know hundreds ! But everything is honour and confidential here." "And did Lord What's-his-name's hair go green, and then black; and was it at first as light as mine?" "His hair was redder, and in consequence it became greener, and now is blacker than ever yours will be?" "Well, if I and my landlady have this morning used an ounce, we've used a quarter of a pound of soft soap in From "Ten Thousand a Year." By kind permission of Messrs. Blackwood |