66

man-the captain of a vessel-he didn't die of cholera; he was drowned." "Oh, drowned, eh?" pursued the inquisitor, hesitating for a brief instant "Save his chist?" 'Yes; the vessel was saved, and my husband's effects," said the widow. "Was they?" asked the Yankee, his eyes brightening up-"Pious man?" "He was a member of the Methodist Church." The next question was a little delayed, but it came-"Don't you think you have a great cause to be thankful that he was a pious man, and saved his chist ?" "I do," said the widow abruptly, and turned her head to look out

29

at the window. The indefatigable "pump" changed his position, held the widow by his glittering eye once more, and propounded one more query, in a little lower tone, with his head a little inclined forward, over the back of the seat:-"Was you calculating to get married again?" "Sir," said the widow indignantly, "you are impertinent!" And she left her seat, and took another on the other side of the car. "'Pears to be a little huffy!" said the ineffable bore, turning to our narrator behind him. "What did they make you pay for that umbrel you've got in your hand?"

OHN, undo his tail. There, ladies and gentlemen. The wonderful boy constructor, so called because he constructs many pleasing images with his serpentile form. The constructor is a long animal, as you will perceive, and is very long-lived. He lives a hundred years or more, if he don't die beforehand. He is of the wormy species, and worms himself along the ground without legs. He is capable of climbing the highest trees, in which he is fond of concealing himself in the branches thereof, that he may impose upon the benighted traveller or other beasts, whereby to assatiate his hunger. He mashes his vittles before he eats 'em, and then swallows 'em head first. The sea-serpent is much larger, yet I think the boy constructor could lick him; for he is full of pluck. Prick him, John, and make him hiss. When he hisses he is very angry, and cares very

little what becomes of him, because he is weakminded, and has a small head. He has a lovely skin, but is ugly-tempered. He is very sulky and lazy, and he is so spiteful it is a mercy he can't talk. I have took care of this mighty snake for three years, but he shows no gratitude. He is a glutton, and likes to stuff himself, and then go to sleep. If John don't stir him (stir him again, John!) he would never wake up, except to his vittles. I don't know's I ought to blame him, though; because nature is nature, whether in Boston or the rude valleys of Bengal. I have an uncle who has lived in Bengal, and a brother who has never been there. My uncle tells me he has seen ten thousand boy constructors at one time, a frolicking in the forest and eating each other up. My brother does not believe it, but then he has not seen it. My uncle may be depended upon. He was a missionary once, and sold rum and sugar to the Injuns. He is the only man in the world who ever sold liquor to the boy constructor. This is the one he gave it to. He first got it tight, and then boxed him up. The boy will never forgive him."

A VISION I had of a fair coquette,
A vision so fair that it haunts me yet.
Her brow rose high, like a mountain of snow,
Ere its beauties melt in the morning's glow;
Her eyes were bright as the star above
That shone on the birth of the god of love;
Her nose was much in the Grecian style,
And her mouth-oh, 'twas hid in an angel smile.
The dimples that laughed in her cheeks and chin
Were just such as Cupid was cradled in;
And, to finish the portrait, her hair like jet
Was tidily bound in a silken net.

The vision dissolved as I still gazed on,

The net was there, but the face was gone;

And fishes I saw of every fin

That couldn't get out when they'd once got in.
A dandy trout-a perfect swell-

Bobbed at a curl and-in he fell;
A lanky eel, both long and slim,
Just looked-and all was over with him;
A legal shark, in spite of his wit,
Was netted next, like the biter bit;
A graceful salmon, a pious sole,
And of smaller fry a countless shoal-
Till all the fishes, in mute surprise,
Winked at each other with both their eyes.

The vision returned of the fair coquette;
She was bending over her silken net,
And, counting her victims o'er and o'er,
The more she counted, she laughed the more.
Then I blessed my stars that my stars blessed me

By keeping me clear of that artless she;

And whenever I see a similar net,

I tremble and think of the fair coquette.

or some commonplace thing, and finding the whole room roar at it incessantly for ten minutes.

Repeatedly being called upon, in the midst of a strange party, "to say something funny."

Having half-adozen scrap-books put into your hand, for "an impromptu." Being expected, wherever you go, to sing a comic song. Never being allowed to be in the least unwell, or to look serious, without a dozen people asking, "Why, what's the matter with you ?

Being the especial confidant of everybody's bad jokes, and being made the favourite victim for the capital thing some one is sure to have "heard yesterday."

99

Making desperate love to a pretty girl, who only laughs, and says, "La! Mr. Smith, you're always joking."

Being saluted as you go into a room with "Bravo! Here's Smith. Now we shall have something good." Being introduced as "the young gentleman

Being suspected of turning everything you sce into ridicule, and putting everybody you meet into print.

A pause of five minutes, in the hopes of hearing you speak, and being asked at last, whilst everybody is getting ready to grin, "what you think of the weather?

Being condemned to hear, every day of your life, that the man who would "make a pun would pick a pocket!"

Being invited to meet a "very clever young gentleman who has written a farce.

Hearing mothers continually say to their daughters, "My dear, you inust not believe a word he says."

Being invited out, and finding it is to give a "candid opinion"-father, mother, brothers, and sisters being all present-"upon a number of droll things little William has been doing upon 'Paradise Lost."" You are obliged to say they are "very clever for a boy," and you are then asked "if you cannot get them inserted in Punch?"

Being confidentially asked, "if it is true you drink much?"

Being asked most seriously by a young lady, "if the incident you described of being locked up in a sponging-house, and escaping up the chimney over the roof of the next house, really occurred to you?"

In short, being suspected of doing all the blackguard, out-of-the-way, outrageous, improbable, impossible, stupid things you describe.

THE American landlord is noted for the sharp way in which he contrives to make his guests pay-a proceeding probably acquired of his brother in the British and Continental towns.

66

On the cars a day or two since, bound for B-, was a stalwart man, going to New York to buy goods. He was not what might be termed a stingy" or "close" man, but he was a man who, when there was a cent due to him that swindling might deprive him of, would sacrifice fifty dollars to save the copper.

He had started in the morning without any breakfast; and when E- hove in sight, he gathered himself up for a general skirmish for any and all kinds of provisions. He had a carpet-bag with him, and going into the dining-room at E- -, he deposited his carpet-bag on one chair, while he took another at its side.

He was lost for about ten minutes-perfectly oblivious to everything, save that he had a blessed consciousness of something very rapidly and agreeably replenishing his "inward man."

About this time the landlord came round, and, stopping by the gentleman's chair, ejaculated"Dollar, sir."

A dollar!" responded the eater; "a DOLLAR!

BAG.

I thought you only charged fifty cents a meal for one! Isn't that so?"

"That's truc," answered Meanness; "but I count your carpet-bag cne, since it occupies a seat."

Now the table was far from being crowded, and the gentleman expostulated; but the landlord insisted, and the dollar was reluctantly brought forth, paid over, and the receiver passed on.

Our victim deliberately rose, and opening his carpet-bag to the full extent of its wide mouth, addressed it as follows:

"Carpet-bag, it seems you are an individual-a human individual, since you eat at least, I've paid for your eating, and now you must eat!"

Upon this he seized everything eatable that was carriable, within his reach-nuts, raisins, apples, cakes, and "crust-pies," and put them in the bag, and, amid the roars of the bystanders, the delight of his brother-passengers, and to the discomfiture of the landlord, phlegmatically went out and took his seat in the cars. He said he had secured provisions enough to last him to New York, after a bountiful supply had been served out in the cars. There was at least five dollars' worth in the bag, upon which the landlord realised nothing in the way of profit.

UR

first illustrates the ruling passion for "poker," among Western members of the bar. The court is in session, the judge is on the beach, and the case of Smith v. Brown is called up. "All ready!" shouts the counsel for defendant, but the counsel for the plaintiff does not respond. Who's for the plaintiff?" inquires the judge, somewhat impatiently. "May it please the Court," says a rising member of the legal fraternity, "Pilkins is for the plaintiff, but I left him just this minute over in the tavern, playing a game of poker. He's got a 'sucker' there, and he's sure to skin him if he only has time. He's got the thing all set to ring in a 'cold deck,' in which case he will deal himself four aces and his opponent four queens, so that your honour will perceive he must rake the persimmons." The look of impatience vanished from the face of his honour at once, and an expression more of sorrow than anger took its place. At length he said, with a heavy sigh, "Dear me, that's too bad! It happens at a very unfortunate time. I am very anxious to get on with these cases!" A brown study followed, and at length a happy idea struck the judge. "Bill," said he, addressing the friend of the absent Pilkins, who had spoken, "you understand poker about as well as Pilkins-suppose you go over and play his hand?" At another time, counsel took some exception to the ruling of the

Court on a certain point, and a dispute arose. "If the Court please," said the counsel, "I wish to refer to this book a moment," at the same time picking up a large law volume. "There's no use o' your referring to any books," exclaimed the Court angrily, "I have decided the p'int!" "But, your honour" persisted the lawyer. "Now I don't want to hear anything further on the subject," yelled the Court: "I tell you again, 1 have decided the p'int !" "I know that," was the rejoinder, "I'm satisfied of that-but this is a volume of Blackstone-I'm certain he differs from your honour, and I only want to show you what a fool Blackstone was! "Ah, that indeed!" exclaimed the Court, smiling all over, "now you begin to talk." On a similar occasion the affair did not end so happily. The Court decided a point adverse to the views of counsel. Counsel was stubborn, and insisted that the Court was wrong. "I tell you I am right!" yelled the Court, with flashing eyes. "I tell you, you are not!" retorted the counsel. "I am right!" reiterated the Court, "hang a nigger if I ain't!" "I say you ain't!" persisted the counsel. "Crier!" yelled the judge, "I adjourn the court for ten minutes!' And jumping from the bench, he pitched into the counsel, and after a very lively little fight placed him hors de combat, after which business was again resumed, but it was not long before another misunderstanding arose. "Crier," said the Court, "we will adjourn this time for twenty minutes." And he was about taking off his coat, when the counsel said, "Never mind, judge, keep your seat the p'int is yielded-my thumb's out o' j'int, and I've sprained my shoulder!"

I MET a dear creature, it matters not where,
And I met with a fall, too, in meeting the fair;
For I fell quite in love-but you wouldn't blame

me,

If this beautiful creature you only could see.
Her eyes were like-stay, they bewildered me
quite;

No mortal could see them and criticise right:
I could only observe that their number was two,
And their colour--about the most mischievous
blue.

Her mouth (my own waters)-don't ask me, I prayTwas the sweetest of mouths, and that's all I can say:

And the envious fellow who dares to say "no," If he had any taste, faith, he wouldn't so! say Her mouth, when she laughed, was a casket thrown wide

With pearls gleaming white from pink velvet inside;

N Irishman being asked on a late trial for a certificate of his marriage, exhibited a huge scar on his head, which looked as though it might have been made with a fire-shovel. The evidence was considered satisfactory.

A STORY is told of a " hand" on board a coasting vessel, who could not learn to steer by the mariner's compass. It was a clear, starlight night, and the captain told him to head the vessel towards a bright particular star, which he pointed out. This was done, and for a short time all was right; but before long she was veering widely from her true course, and rushing rapidly before the wind. "Ahoy, there! greenhorn at the wheel!" roared the excited commander. "Port your helm! What do you mean? Where's the star?" "Dear captain," timidly replied the devious helmsman, "keep cool, don't get excited-never mind-I lost that star, but found another, brighter and better than the one you showed me!"

A SERVANT who plumed herself upon being employed in a "genteel family," was asked the definition of the term. "Where they have two or three kinds of wine, and the gentleman swears," was the reply.

A LABOURER lately called on one of the local registrars to register the birth of a child. After this was completed he coolly remarked, "The child's very poorly, sir, and I may as well register its death while I am here, to save me the trouble of coming back again."

66

A POST-BOY having driven a gentleman a long stage through torrents of rain, the gentleman said to Paddy, "Are you not very wet?" Arrah! I don't care about being wet; but, please your honour, I'm very dry."

AN athletic specimen of the Emerald Isle called on a wharfinger for a job. "The top o' the mornin' to you, Musther P.! I've been told that ye're in want o' help." "I've but little to do," replied P., with mercantile gravity. "I'm the very boy for yees! It's but little I care about doing-it's the money I'm afther, sure!" The naïve reply procured him a situation.

A GENTLEMAN of Cork ordered his man to call him up at six o'clock; but he awakened him at four. Being asked the reason, he replied, "I came to tell you that you had two hours longer to sleep." A WITNESS was recently asked, at one of the County Courts, what he knew of the prisoner's character for veracity? "Why, in troth, your honour, since iver I've known her, she has kept her house clane and dacent."

AN Irishman engaged in fighting a duel insisted, as he was near-sighted, that he should stand six feet nearer to his antagonist than his antagonist did to him. Sheridan used to tell a story of a fat man who was going to fight a thin one, and it was maintained that the figure of the latter ought to be chalked upon the portly person of the former; and if the bullet hit him outside the line it ought to go for nothing.

AN IRISH ABSENTEE.-One of these gentlemen is said to have sent this comforting message to his steward: "Tell the tenants that no threats to shoot you will terrify me."

"SHURE, which is the entrance out ?" asked an Irishman at a railway station the other day.

A SAILOR visited a city where, he said, "they copper-bottomed the tops of their houses with sheet-lead!"

ONE Patrick Maguire had been appointed to a situation the reverse of a place of all work, and his friends, who called to congratulate him, were very much astonished to see his face lengthen on the receipt of the news. "A sinecure, is it?" exclaimed Pat. "Shure I know what a sinecure is : it's a place where there's nothing to do, and they pay you by the piece."

"CAPTAIN, jewel," said a son of Erin, as a ship was coming on the coast in inclement winter weather, "have ye a almenick on board?" "No, I haven't." "Thin, be jabers," replied Pat,

shall have to take the weather as it comes."

66

we

"My friend," said a doctor to his Irish patient, "be composed; we must all die once." "An' it's that vexes me," replied Pat. "If it wor more than onst, shure I'd be aisy enough."

AN old Irish officer, after a battle, ordered the dead and the dying to be buried pell-mell. Being told that some were alive and might be saved, "Oh, bedad," said he, "if you were to pay any attention to what they say, not one of them would allow that he was dead."

CROKER, Secretary of the Admiralty, was the ne plus of impudent Irishmen. He would pertinaciously insist on setting the Duke of Wellington right as to the battle of Waterloo. The duke shifted the conversation to percussion caps used in the army, upon which Croker was again contradictory. This upset the duke's patience, and he exclaimed, "Come, Croker, I may not know much about Waterloo, but I should know something about copper caps."