swallowed a silversmith's shop, there was enough to satisfy him; but as to all the rest, his mutton was white, his veal was red, the fish was kept too long, the venison not kept long enough: to sum up all, everything was cold, except his ice; everything sour, except his vinegar."

FOOTE, when travelling in the far west of England, dined one day at an inn. When the cloth was removed the landlord asked him how he liked his fare. "I have dined as well as any man in England," said Foote. Except Mr. Mayor," cried the landlord. "I do not except anybody

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whatever," said he. "But you must," bawled the host. "I won't." You must." At length the strife ended by the landlord (who was a petty magistrate) taking Foote before the mayor, who observed it had been customary in that town, for a great number of years, always to except the mayor, and accordingly fined him a shilling for not conforming to this ancient custom. Upon this decision, Foote paid the shilling, at the same time observing that he thought the landlord the greatest fool in Christendom-except Mr. Mayor.

SAYINGS OF

A

A MODEL PILL CERTIFICATE.

WLL hale, benny facter of mankind. Your pills have made a new man of me. I shall be a hundred and atey years of aige next fust of April. I have been suffering from that dreadful dizeeze called informashun for upward of a hundred years. My doctor tohl me that ef I didn't hev sumthin dun for it soon, that it would get to be krounik, and then nuthin woodent kure it. Part of the time I was insane, so great was my agerny. Sumetimes I would be in sech pane that I koodent be moved without hairnessing on two yoke of ocksen. For three years I koodent neither lay nor set, so I was obleeged to roost. One day you cum along this way with a little green chist in yure hand and a blue cotton umbrella under yure left arm. You looked greener than your chist, so I thort you might still be honest. Sez I to you," Strainger, ken you give me sumthin that'll kure me or kill me?" Sez you to me (handin out a little tin box), "Take them akkording to the direkshuns; if they don't kure you, they will kill you, sure; they never labor in vane. One dollar, ef you pleze." I felt jest as thow I'd jest as lieve be killed as not, so I took the box, and you took the money. Wal, I swallered the pills, but it was the tuffest job I ever done. It went agin the grain as much as paying the rent does. But in two weeks I was a new man. I've been a new man ever since. The informashun has all gone into my brane, and I have seris thorts of studyin for the law. I think I could praktis at the bar. May the blessings of the widder and the fatherless follow you wherever you go, for you doctored their husbands and fathers! Yourn till death, JOHN SMITH.

for ennything else; he iz like a grahound, good for running fast, that's all. Yu kant larn him nothing, enny more than you kan an eagle; he knows how to fill up and look at the sun without winking, bekause he was born so, and when he gets up on the peak ov the mountain and gets well lit, you kant git tew him, nor he won't cum tew you, but thare he sits till the dinner-bell rings. After dinner he flize oph agin, and you won't see him till supper-time. They are like mumys, verry curis critters, and keep a long time without spileing. If tha only had common sense, so that yu kould make taylers or shumakers ov them, thare would be some sense ov having the breed more plenty, but one or two iz aul that is proffitable tew hav on hand tew onst, and tha are enough to keep ennybody uneazy about what they are going tew dew next. Tha live about forty years ahead of the times, and when the world ketches up with the last one, another iz born, who spends most of his time in digging up the old bones that the last one buried. About the only thing they sho enny common sense in iz, that tha moste alwus die in det tew every bodey. The moste unfortunate thing about having a big genius on hand iz, that so many try tew imitate them, but they don't generally get any further up than their vices, and thus one big genius suckles a thousand phools. They don't generally liv happy, bekause they aint bilt right to fit things as they find them. They ought to have a grate place tew stop in, whare thare aint nothing but big generalitys to dew, and whare they kan play tost and ketch with the stars, and krack nuts with mountains. They are curious critters. They aint afraid tew straddle a hurry cane without enny bridle on, and stick in the spurs; but a mice nibbling in the wanescut will drive them barheaded into the streets. They kan plant, but they won't kultivate nor reap. If I waz a woman, I would az soon marry a porcupine as a big genius; they are either az hot az the stove in a skoolhouse, or as kold and unfeeling az the shoes on a ded omnibus hoss. A geniuz iz like a big comet, they appear onse in about so often, and makes everybody nervous, and then disappear; and tho we may not at the time be able to put our fingers on the individual good they have done us, still their visit is a big one, and the grate reser

voys are pumped up fuller, and we poor men, the rest ov us, when we stick our little fountains, find that the waters have been sweetened and freshened by sumbody.

"PAY AS YU GO."

THIS little maxim haz bin modestly at the sarviss ov the wurld for ages, supported by no pertickler pretenshuns tew rheterick, cadense, or pompus period, but brimfull and running over with praktikal philosophee and plebeian sense, adapted tew the latitude and longtitude of every humin kritter. It kontanes within its fore blessid monasilliables an analasis ov welth; it is fortin's steppin stone, and a letter ov credit nun kan distrust wherever it goas. It iz the right bower of ekonomee and maid ov honnur tew plezzure-fillz the day hours with kwiet and drives the baliff from the nite dreem. "Pay az yu go," and yu wil kno how fast yure a going, how fur yu have gone, and when it is time tew stop. Tradesmen will bow when they meet yu, and det with its hungry wolf tred will starve on yure trail. "Pay az yu go" temperz luxury and chastens want, adds dignity tew the poor man, and grase tew the ritch man, wrongs nun and iz justiss tew all. Here iz an antidote for much that iz the philosopher's stone; here iz a motto for manhood; here iz a leaven for enny sized lump. Yung man, pay az yu go, and whin yu gits old yu will not depart from it; other

vartues will sartinly cluster about yu; and whin natur hands in her last bill yu will be awl the better prepared to "pay az yu go."

JOSH BILLINGS' ADVICE TO HIS

DAUGHTERS.

DEAR girls-Keep cool. A blessed futer await yu, enny how. Take lessons in the piannas at onst; piannas are getting skase. By awl means larn to pla the nu song that has jist come out, "when John Brown is over we are comming with this kruel war several strong." This stanza tuk the fust premium at the stat fair. Don't be afrade tew git married; your ma want afrade. Larn how tew knit pudding bags tu put yure haire in. Be vartuous and pretty. Eat slat pensils; tha will make yu spri at figgers. Let yure pettykoats drag on the sidewalks, and if enny man steps on them and tares oph the rim, slap his face at once. If yu have got a small feet, keep 'em hid; small feet has got out ov fashun. Studdy travels; Tom Moores and Byrons and Gullivers iz awl fust-rate. If yu can spare the time, be luvly and sweet. Remember one thing-thar ain't nothing in this life worth living for but a rich husband; if yu don't believe me, ask yure ma. If yu have got red hair yu had better exchange it for blak; blak hair tha tell me is going to be worn muchly next year. Don't hav anything tew du with the boys, unless tha mean bissiness.

Ir iz highly important, when a man makes up hiz minde tew bekum a raskall, that he shud examine hizself clusly, and see if he aint better konstrukted for a phool.

I argy in this way, if a man iz right, he kant be too radikal; if he iz rong, he kant be too consarvatiff.

If yu don't beleav in "total depravity," buy a quart ov gin, and study it.

Their iz one advantage in a plurality of wives; tha fite each other, instead ov their hustbands.

It iz a verry delikate job tew forgive a man without lowering him in hiz own estimashun, and yures too.

Az a gineral thing, when a woman wares the britches she haz a good rite tew them.

It iz admitted now bi everyboddy, that the man who kan git fat on berlony sassage, haz got a good deal of dorg in him.

I am poor, and i am glad that i am, for i find that wealth makes more people mean than it duz genrous.

Wooman's inflooense iz powerful - espeshila when she wants ennything.

Sticking up yure noze don't prove ennything, for a sope-biler, when he iz away from hiz hum, smells everything.

No man luvs tew git beat, but it iz better tew git beat than to be rong.

Awl kind ov bores are a nusance, but it is better tew be bored with a two-inch orger than a gimblet.

"Be sure you are rite, then go ahed;" but in kase ov dout go ahed enny wa. Men aint apt tew git kicked out ov good society for being ritch.

The rode to Ruin iz always kept in good repair, and the travellers pa tle expense ov it.

If a man begins life bi being a fust lutenant in hiz familee, he never need tew look for promoshun. The onla proffit thare is in keeping more than one dorg, iz what you kan make on the board.

I haven't got az mutch munny az sum folks, but I have got az much impudense az enny ov them, and that iz the next thing tew munny.

It aint often that a man's reputashun outlasts hiz munny.

Don't mistake arroganse for wisdum: menny people hav thought tha waz wize, when tha waz onla windy.

The man who kant git ahed without pulling others back, iz a limited cuss.

Woman will sumtimes confess her sins, but i never knu one tew confess her faults.

Oh! what a wurld this iz tew live in, for the soul that iz afrade ov dirt and deviltree!

Young man, studdy defference; it iz the best kard in the pack.

Honesta iz the poor man's pork, and the rich man's pudding.

Thare iz a luxury in sometimes feeling lonesum. Lastly-i am violently oppozed tew arden speerits az a bevridge, but for manufaktering purposes i think a leetle of it tastes good.

If yer wife iz upstairs, an yo call to hur, sho sez, "commin in a minnit," tack a two mile wauk, an when yo get back agean, yo may calkelate at shool just hev cum daan.

If yer wife gets aght a bed ill-tempered at weshin mornin, yo may calkelate a bein miserable all t'day.

If yer wife, after yov cum'd off on a journey, begins a axin if thear wor owt new ta be seen t'draper shop windaz, yo may calkelate at sho expected yo bringin hur summat.

If yer wife sez at there hed better be two keys tut aght-door, yo may calkelate at sho duzant approve on yo stoppin aght late at neets.

If yer wife begins a sendin hur caps an frills aght ta be wesh't, yo may calkelate at shoze gettin extravagant, az weel as laizy.

If yer wife ligs yo aght a clean sirt, an yo cumplain abaght thear bein sum butt as off, yo may calkelate on hur sayin at sho wor sure at thay wor all on reight enif when it whent ta be wesht.

If yer wife chainges hur sarvants az many times az thear iz munths in a year, yo may calkelate

at theaze more folt we hur than wit lasses, an at shooze noan a good temperd an.

"It goaz agean t'grain," az t'farmur sed wen e saw t'weathur wer clearin up, an likely ta set in fur bein fine at market-daay.

"Aw sal nivvir hav t'gout e thee, that's won blessin," az owd Dot-an-carry-Won sed wen e lewk'd daan at hiz wooden leg.

"They du az they like we t'little uns," az t'owd cat sed wen shoo saw hur kittens takken t'backwaay intut sossige-shop.

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Luv's like cobbler's wax: t'moar yo meddle wit an t'bigger mess yo mak, an t'cloaser it sticks tul yo. Cut, an cum agean," az t'sarvant lass sed tut Bobby when shoo hecard her missus comin daan t'stairs.

"That's wat aw call laaying it on thick," az t'lad sed wen hiz fatthur wallop't him wit cloazeprop.

"Ther's a baandary ta all things," az t'chap sed wen e ran hiz heead agea a brick wall.

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"Smooth an thin, an takken in," az t'shopkeeper sed wen e lewk'd at t'bad shillin.

"Aw'm varry partial ta tender joints," az t'rumatick sed tut chap's leg

t'ammonia bottle. "Noa moar, thank yo," az t'cat sed when it saw

REMARKABLE NEETS.-That, when t'man ran home, freetand aght ov hiz sensas at seein t'dead

haar at neet.

That, when t'watchman distinctly heard a hallo raand t'mooin.

That, when t'dog star wor seen ta bite a piece aght at northern leets.

That, when t'owd womman heard t'breik a day. That, when t'lad wackand hizsen we fallin asleep.

RECIPES.

HAH TA CURE KNOCK-KNEES.-Sit astride ov a barrel abaght three haars a day fur a munth, an then tee yer feet tagethur afore yo goa ta bed, an sleep we a moderate sized turnup between yer knees fur six neets. Iv that wean't cure yo, aw doan't naw wat will.

CURE FOR GOSSIPPIN.-Gooid strong elbow-grease applied daily tut furnitur, an a general cleear aght ov idlebacks.

PURE SYMPATHY.-Tellin a chap at pashunce iz a rare vartue wen eez varry neer crazed wit tooithwark.

A BIT OF QUIET CHAFF.-Axin a chap wat time it iz wen yo naw his watch iz off tul hiz uncle's.

SPENDIN HIZ STRENGTH FUR NOWT.-A bowegg'd fellah tryin ta stop a pig e a hentry.

T'WUNDERS A KIMISTRY. Makkin "Bear's Grease" aght ov hog's lard.

A CUTTIN REMARK.-T'butcher sayin it's time at t'pig wer kill'd.

HAH TA KEEP PRESERVES.-Lock em up, an swallow t'key.

LABOR E VAIN.-Tryin ta leet yer pipe at t'taan pump.

WET AN FOGGY.-A drukken cab-chap aat et rain. TA CURE TONGUES.-Tack yer tongue, if it be a longan, an keep it nicely within yer teeth for two full calender munths. After that tack it to where theaze a tea drinkin, an if yo find, when yo want ta uze it, at its not shorter wit pickle, go home direcktly, an tack it between yer teeth (nah mind, this iz varry important); that bein dun, let sumady fetch yo a good saand rap ovver't top at head we a rowlin pin, an if't tongue end bleeds, or flies off, it's a sign it's cured.

I

WORN'T IT

T was no use for me, bein' a poor man, to go on grumblin' at our governor, for he'd only have said what he said before. "There's the keb," he says, "and there's the 'oss," he says; " and if you don't like 'em you can leave 'em. I don't ast you," he says, "to bring in so much by two shillin' as I do your mates; and if you don't like to drive number three thousin' eight hundered and noughty-nine, there's plenty more as will be glad to; so no more bones about it." Well, you see that's how it was; and from drivin' a shabby keb and a knacker of a 'oss, I got into the habit of goin' shabby myself, and always got all the shabby jobs as came to the Knightsbridge stand; takin' sarvants to the parly trains-boxy jobs, as I calls 'em, linendrapers' gals with parcels of things to show at gentlefolkses houses; all the wust-paid fares there was, and too glad to get 'em.

For you see mine was a shabby turn-out, quite a reg'lar sight, you know; old yaller keb with a coat-of-arms on it, and bloo linins, 'cept the cushins, which is all odd uns, stuffed with all sorts; and allus, no matter how I smoke or air that 'ere inside, smellin offle o' mushrooms, so as you might think some old woman had broke a bottle o' ketchup inside; when it aint nothin', bless you, but the damp. The paint had got wery shabby, 'specially about the tires; and the spokes o' them wheels would rattle in dry weather most as bad as did the windies in wet. For you see the glasses used to be all up in wet weather, while people was glad enough to keep 'em down in dry, becos of the smell; and them windies was about the most aggrawatinest part about that keb, since you never had no control over them, for they shet up when they liked, and shet down when they liked; and them all the while of sech thin glass, as you didn't dare show fight, for fear of their goin' all to smash, and your havin' to pay up.

I said as them windies was about the most aggrawatinest things about that keb; but they worn't, for all that: the 'oss was the wust by a long chalk. He was a disappynted sort of a 'oss, as took everythin' contrairy; and though I drove him a matter o' ten year, I never once got anythin' like understandin' his charakter. You see he was a lowspereted animal, one as had seen better days, as you might know by the way he hugged the left and sharp, as if it had bin a pole-showin' as he'd once run in pairs, p'raps alongside o' some lovely creetur of a mare as died, and so broke his 'art, makin' him to come down in the world, and take no pride in hisself. For though I did all man could do to make him look decent, he never would, not a bit of it. If I bore him up tight, to make him arch his neck, he only arched it wrong ways-pyntin' that nose of his at the sky, and goin' along like a camel as was in wants of water in a great desert.

THE TAIL?*

If I putt a couple o' bits o' laylock on each side of his blinkers, to cheer him up a bit, he'd do nothin” but shake his head, mournful like, jest as if he was a-sayin', "This here's a wale of tears ;" and then, ten to one if he didn't have a fit o' megrims-bad uns too. He'd got the roughest coat as ever a'oss had, one as never shined ony when it was wet; while, where his mane ought to have bin, was all a stubbly, scuffy ridge, like a worn-out brush. As for his tail-there, it worn't no wonder as he used to keep it tucked wery close in between his legs, for that was the only redeemin' pynt in his charakter: he were ashamed of that there tail. You never saw his old spavined hocks, nor his broken knees, nor his rough coat, nor nothin' else when that tail was visible; for it took up your whole attention, so as you couldn't see nothin' else. I believe I might have got on a bit better at first, same as I did towards the last, if it hadn't bin for that tail; for you see it was enough to ruin any turn-out, even if it had been a lord mayor's carridge. You couldn't help that tail wherrittin' you, do what you would; for though it was all wery well so long as the 'oss -Solomon I called him, cos he was such a longheaded un-was down in the mouth, and kep his tail outer sight, yet there was times as he'd stick it straight out, 'specially if he'd got a bearin'-rein on, and then, do all I would to keep my temper, I used to be obliged to hit that 'ere tail with the butt end of the whip, to make him keep it outer sight.

Now, I'll jest tell you what that tail was like. It was jest eighteen inches long; and, beginnin' at the top, there was jest twelve inches all smooth as smooth, and then there was seven 'airs; after which you travelled over six more smooth inches, right to the pynt, and then there was twenty-three more long uns. Now, jest let me ask anybody as knows anythin' about 'osses if that worn't a tail as would break any man's 'art. Thirty 'airs there was altogether in that there tail, for I counted 'em often, to see if any more was a-comin'; but, no, not a blessed 'air more would come, no matter how I coaxed 'em. Fancy a tail with only thirty 'airs in, flourished about in your face when you was a-drivin', and jest see if you was tied down to it, if you wouldn't soon get to look as shabby as your 'oss and keb. I took my missus into consultation about that tail, which I s'pose came bald from grief; and she says as stimmylusses was the best thing to make 'air grow; so I got a tin pot fitted in the bottom of Solomon's nose-bag; and many's the half-pint of porter he's sucked up; but never a 'air came of that. Then my missus explained as it was stimmylusses ap plied to the part itself, so I tried liquid blister and solid blister; but they never did nothin' but make the old 'oss kick; while as to rubbin' on Spanish-fly pomatum, it worn't no more use than nothin'.

"I can't stand that there tail no longer," I says to my wife one night when I'd come home quite low-spereted; "it's enough to break a man's 'art, that it is. Here's three days runnin' I've ony took in twelve shillins."