and built a booth in a swamp, off all former wicked ways, and all ways of known outward sin, and to apply myself to seek my salvation, and practise the duties of religion; but without that kind of affection and delight that I had formerly experienced. My concern now wrought mere by inward struggles and conflicts, and self-reflections. I

in a very secret and retired place, for a place of prayer. And besides, I had particular secret places of my own in the woods, where I used to retire by myself; and used to be from time to time much affected. My affections seemed to be lively and easily moved, and I seemed to be in my element when I en-made seeking my salvation the gaged in religious duties. And I am ready to think, many are deceived with such affections, and such a kind of delight, as I then had in religion, and mistake it for grace.

"But, in process of time, my convictions and affections wore off, and I entirely lost all those affections and delights, and left off secret prayer, at least as to any constant performance of it, and returned like a dog to his vomit, and went on in ways of sin.

"Indeed I was at sometimes very uneasy, especially towards the latter part of the time of my being at college, till it pleased God, in my last year at college, at a time when I was in the midst of many uneasy thoughts about the state of my soul, to seize me with a pleurisy; in which He brought me nigh to the grave, and shook me over the pit of hell.

main business of my life. But yet it seems to me, I sought after a miserable manner, which has made me sometimes since to question, whether ever it issued in that which was saving; being ready to doubt, whether such miserable seeking was ever succeeded. But yet I was bro't to seek salvation in a manner that I never was before. I felt a spirit to part with all things in the world for an interest in Christ. My concern continued and prevailed, with many exercising thoughts and inward struggles; but yet it never seemed to be proper to express my concern that I had by the name of terror.

It

"From my childhood up, my mind had been wont to be full of objections against the doctrine of God's sovereignty, in choosing whom he would to eternal life, and rejecting whom he pleased, leaving them eter"But yet it was not long afternally to perish, and be everlastmy recovery, before I fell again ingly tormented in hell. into my old ways of sin. But used to appear like a horrible God would not suffer me to go doctrine to me. But I rememon with any quietness, but I ber the time very well, when I had great and violent inward seemed to be convinced, and struggles; until after many fully satisfied, as to this soveconflicts with wicked inclina- reignty of God, and his justice tions, and repeated resolutions, in thus eternally disposing of and bonds that I laid myself un- men, according to his sovereign der by a kind of vows to God, pleasure. But never could give I was brought wholly to break an account, how, or by what

means, I was thus convinced; was on reading those words, I not in the least imagining, in Tim. i. 17. Now unto the King the time of it, nor a long time eternal, immortal, invisible, the after, that there was any extra-only wise God, be honor and gloordinary influence of God's Spi-ry for ever, and ever, Amen. As rit in it; but only that now II read the words, there came insaw further, and my reason ap- to my soul, and was as it were prehended the justice and rea-diffused through it, a sense of sonableness of it. However, the glory of the Divine Being, my mind rested in it, and it put a new sense, quite different an end to all those cavils and ob- from any thing I ever experijections that had till then abode enced before. Never any words with me all the preceding part of scripture seemed to me as of my life. And there has been these words did. I thought with a wonderful alteration in my myself, how excellent a Being mind, with respect to the doc- that was, and how happy I trine of God's sovereignty, from should be if I might enjoy that that day to this, so that I scarce God, and be wrapt up to God ever have found so much as the in heaven, and be as it were rising of an objection against swallowed up in him. I kept God's sovereignty, in the most saying, and as it were singing absolute sense, in showing mer-over these words of scripture to cy to whom he will show mercy, myself; and went to prayer, to and hardening and eternally pray to God that I might endamning whom he will. God's joy him, and prayed in a manabsolute sovereignty and justice, ner quite different from what I with respect to salvation and used to do, with a new sort of damnation, is what my mind affection. But it never came seems to rest assured of, as into my thought, that there was much as of any thing that I see any thing spiritual, or of a savwith my eyes; at least it is so ing nature in this. at times. But I have oftentimes since that first conviction, had quite another kind of sense of God's sovereignty than I had then. I have often since, not only had conviction, but a delightful conviction. The doctrine of God's sovereignty has very of ten appeared, an exceeding pleasant, bright, and sweet doctrine to me: and absolute sovereignty is what I love to ascribe to God. But my first conviction was not with this.

"The first that I remember that ever I found any thing of that sort of inward, sweet delight in God and divine things, that I have lived much in since,

"From about that time, I be gan to have a new kind of ap prehensions and ideas of Christ, and the work of redemption, and the glorious way of salvation by him. I had an inward, sweet sense of these things, that at times came into my heart; and my soul was led away in plea sant views and contemplations of them. And my mind was greatly engaged to spend my time in reading and meditating on Christ, and the beauty and excellency of his person, and the lovely way of salvation by free grace in him. I found no books so delightful to me as those that treated of these subjects. Those

ness joined together: it was a sweet and gentle, and holy ma jesty; and also a majestic meekness; an awful sweetness; a high, and great, and holy gentleness.

"After this my sense of divine things gradually increased, and became more and more lively, and had more of that inward sweetness. The appearance of every thing was altered, there seemed to be, as it were a calm, sweet cast, or appear

words, Cant. ii. 1. used to be abundantly with me, I am the Rose of Sharon, and the Lily of the valleys. The words seemed to me, sweetly to represent the loveliness and beauty of Jesus Christ. And the whole book of Canticles used to be pleasant to me; and I used to be much in reading it about that time, and found, from time to time, an inward sweetness, that used, as it were, to carry me away in my contemplations; in what I know not how to express other-ance of divine glory, in almost wise, than by a calm, sweet abstraction of soul from all the concerns of this world; and a kind of vision, or fixed ideas and imaginations, of being alone in the mountains, or some solitary wilderness, far from all mankind, sweetly conversing with Christ, and wrapt and swallowed up in God. The sense I had of divine things, would often of a sudden, as it were, kindle up a sweet burning in my heart; an ardor of my soul, that I know not how to express.

every thing. God's excellency, his wisdom, his purity and love, seemed to appear in every thing; in the sun, inoon, and stars; in the clouds, and blue sky; in the grass, flowers, trees; in the water, and all nature; which used greatly to fix my mind. I often used to sit and view the moon for a long time; and so in the day-time, spent much time in viewing the clouds and sky, to behold the sweet glory' of God in these things; in the mean time singing forth, with a low voice, my contempla"Not long after I first began tions of the Creator and Reto experience these things, I deemer. And scarce any thing, gave an account to my father of among all the works of nature, some things that had passed in was so sweet to me as thunder my mind. I was pretty much and lightning: formerly, nothaffected by the discourse we had ing had been so terrible to me. together; and when the dis- I used to be a person uncomcourse was ended, I walked a-monly terrified with thunder, broad alone, in a solitary place and it used to strike me with in my father's pasture, for con- terror when I saw a thundertemplation. And as I was storm rising. But now, on the walking there, and looked up contrary, it rejoiced me. I felt on the sky and clouds, there God at the first appearance of a came into my mind, so sweet a thunder-storm; and used to. sense of the glorious majesty take the opportunity, at such and grace of God, that I know times, to fix myself to view the not how to express.-I seemed clouds, and see the lightnings to see them both in a sweet con-play, and hear the majestic and junction majesty and meek-awful voice of God's thunder, VOL. I. NO. 5.

X

which often times was exceeding entertaining, leading me to sweet contemplations of my great and glorious God; and while I viewed, used to spend my time, as it always seemed natural to me, to sing or chant forth my meditations; to speak my thoughts in soliloquies, and speak with a singing

voice.

I had when I was a boy. They were totally of another kind; and what I then had no more notion or idea of, than one born blind has of pleasant and beautiful colors. They were of a more inward, pure, soul-animating, and refreshing nature.Those former delights never reached the heart, and did not arise from any sight of the divine excellency of the things of God, or any taste of the soulsatisfying and life-giving good there is in them.

"My sense of divine things seemed gradually to increase, until I went to preach at NewYork, which was about a year and a half after they began.While I was there, I felt them very sensibly, in a much higher degree than I had done before. My longings after God and holiness were much increased. Pure and humble, holy and heavenly Christianity, appeared exceeding amiable to me. I felt in me a burning desire to be in every thing a complete Christian; and conformed to the blessed image of Christ and that I might live in all things, according to the pure, sweet, and blessed rules of the gospel. I had an eager thirsting after progress in these things. My longings after it, put me upon pursuing and pressing after them. It was my continual strife day and night, and constant inquiry, how

"I felt then a great satisfaction as to my good estate; but that did not content me. I had vehement longings of soul after God and Christ, and after more holiness, wherewith my heart seemed to be full, and ready to break; which often brought to my mind the words of the Psalmist, Psal. cxix. 28. My soul breaketh for the longing it hath. I often felt a mourning and lamenting in my heart, that I had not turned to God sooner, that I might have had more time to grow in grace. My mind was greatly fixed on divine things; I was almost perpetually in the contemplation of them. Spent most of my time thinking of divine things, year after year; and used to spend abundance of my time in walking alone in the woods, and solitary places, for meditation, soliloquy, and prayer, and converse with God and it was always my manner at such times to sing forth my contemplations; and was almost constantly in ejaculatory prayer wherever II should be more holy, and live was. Prayer seemed to be natural to me, as the breath by which the inward burnings of my heart had vent.

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"The delights which I now felt in things of religion, were of an exceeding different kind from those fore-mentioned, that

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more holily, and more becoming a child of God and disciple of Christ. I sought an increase of grace and holiness, and that I might live an holy life, with vastly more earnestness than ever I sought grace, before I had it. I used to be continually exam

pure, humble, heavenly, divine love.

"I remember the thoughts I used then to have of holiness. I remember I then said sometimes to myself, I do certainly know that I love holiness, such as the gospel prescribes. It appeared to me, there was nothing in it but what was ravishingly lovely. It appeared to me, to be the highest beauty and amiableness, above all other beauties, that it was a divine

ining myself, and studying and contriving for likely ways and means, how I should live holily, with far greater diligence and earnestness than ever I pursued any thing in my life, but with too great a dependence on my own strength; which afterwards proved a great damage to me. My experience had not then taught me, as it has done since, my extreme feebleness and impotence, every manner of way; and the innumerable and bottomless depths of secret corrup-beauty, far purer than any thing tion and deceit that there was in my heart. However, I went on with my eager pursuit after more holiness, and sweet conformity to Christ.

here upon earth, and that every thing else was like mire, filth, and defilement, in comparison of it.

"Holiness, as I then wrote "The heaven I desired was a down some of my contemplaheaven of holiness; to be with tions on it, appeared to me to be God, and to spend my eternity of a sweet, pleasant, charming, in divine love, and holy com- serene, calm nature. It seemed munion with Christ. My mind to me, it brought an inexpressiwas very much taken up with ble purity, brightness, peacefulcontemplations on heaven, and ness, and ravishment to the the enjoyments of those there; soul; and that it made the soul and living there in perfect holi- like a field or garden of God, ness, humility, and love. And with all manner of pleasant it used at that time to appear a flowers; that is all pleasant, degreat part of the happiness of lightful, and undisturbed; enheaven, that there the saints joying a sweet calm, and the could express their love to gently vivifying beams of the Christ. It appeared to me a great sun. The soul of a true Chrisclog and hindrance, and burden tian, as I then wrote my medito me, that what I felt within, I tations, appeared like such a could not express to God, and little white flower, as we see in give vent to, as I desired. The in- the spring of the year, low, and ward ardour of my soul, seemed humble on the ground, opening to be hindered and pent up, and its bosom to receive the pleacould not freely flame out as it sant beams of the sun's glory; would. I used often to think, rejoicing as it were in a calm how in heaven, this sweet prin- rapture; diffusing around a ciple should freely and fully sweet fragrancy; standing peacevent and express itself. Hea- fully and lovingly, in the midst ven appeared to me exceeding of other flowers round about; delightful as a world of love. all in like manner opening their It appeared to me, that all hap-bosoms, to drink in the light of piness consisted in living in the sun.