you might as well set about it at once, for you haven't much time. I should never think of swallowing you if it were not so easy; but opportunity is the strongest of all temptations. Besides, I am an orphan, and very hungry."
"Very well," replied the Oyster; "it affords me genuine pleasure to comfort the parentless and the starving. I have already done my best for our friend here, of whom you purchased me; but although she has an amiable and accommodating stomach, we couldn't agree. For this trifling incompatibility-would you believe it?—she was about to stew me! Savior, benefactor, proceed!"
"I think," said the nobleman, rising and laying down the Oyster, "I ought to know something more definite about your antecedents before succoring you. If you couldn't agree with your mistress, you are probably no better than you should be." People who begin doing something from a selfish motive, frequently drop it when they learn that it is a real benevolence.
BIRDOFREDUM SAWIN AFTER THE WAR.
I S'POSE you wonder ware I be; I can't tell, fer the soul o' me,
Exactly ware I be myself-meanin' by thet the holl o' me.
Wen I left hum, I hed two legs, an' they worn't bad ones neither
(The scaliest trick they ever played wuz bringin' on me hither),
Now one on 'em's I dunno ware-they thought I wuz adyin',
An' sawed it off because they said 'twuz kin' o' mortifyin';
I'm willin' to believe it wuz, an yit I don't see, nuther,
Wy one should take to feelin' cheap a minnit sooner'n t'other,
Sence both wuz equilly to blame; but things is ez they be;
It took on so they took it off, an' thet's enough fer me:
There's one good thing, though, to be said about my wooden
The liquor can't git into it ez't used to in the true one;
So it saves drink; an' then, besides, a feller couldn't beg
A gretter blessin' then to hev one ollers sober peg;
It's true a chap's in want o' two fer follerin' a drum,
But all the march I'm up to now is jest to Kingdom Come.
I've lost one eye, but thet's a loss it's easy to supply
Out o' the glory that I've gut, fer thet is all my eye;
An' one is big enough, I guess, by diligently usin' it,
To see all I shall ever git by way o' pay fer losin' it,
Off'cers, I notice, who git paid fer all our thumps an' kickin's,
Du wal by keepin' single eyes arter the fattest pickin's;
So, ez the eye's put fairly out, I'll larn to go without it,
An' not allow myself to be no gret put out about it.
Now, le' me see, thet isn't all; I used, 'fore leavin' Jaalam,
To count things on my finger-eends, but sutthin' seems to ail 'em: Ware's my left hand? O, darn it, yes, I recollect wut's come on't;
I hain't no left arm but my right, an' thet's gut jest a thumb on 't; It aint so hendy ez it wuz to cal'late a sum on 't.
I've hed some ribs broke-six (I b'lieve)-I hain't kep' no account on 'em;
Wen pensions git to be the talk, I'll settle the amount 'em.
An' now I'm speakin' about ribs, it kin' o' brings to mind.
One thet I couldn't never break-the one I lef' behind;
Ef
you should see her, jest clear out the spout o' your invention
An' pour the longest sweet'nin' in about annooal pension,
An' kin' o' hint (in case, you know, the critter should refuse to be Consoled) I ain't so 'xpensive now to keep ez wut I used to be; There's one arm less, ditto one eye, an' then the leg thet's wooden Can be took off an' sot away wenever ther's a puddin'.
I s'pose you think I'm comin' back ez opperlunt ez thunder,
With shiploads o' gold images an' varus sorts o' plunder;
Wal, 'fore I vullinteered, I thought this country wuz a sort o'
Canaan, a reg'lar Promised Land flowin' with rum an' water,
Ware propaty growed up like time, without no cultivation,
An' gold wuz dug ez taters be among our Yankee nation,
Ware nateral advantages were pufficly amazin',
Ware every rock there wuz about with precious stuns wuz blazin',
Ware mill-sites filled the country up ez thick ez you could cram
An' desput rivers run about abeggin' folks to dam 'em;
Then there were meetin' houses, tu, chockful o' gold an' silver
Thet you could take, an' no one couldn't hand ye in no bill fer-
Thet's wut I thought afore I went, thet's wut them fellers told us
Thet stayed to hum an' speechified an' to the buzzards sold us;
I thought thet gold mines could be gut cheaper than Chiny asters,
An' see myself acomin' back like sixty Jacob Astors;
But sech idees soon melted down an' didn't leave a grease-spot;
I vow my holl sheer o' the spiles wouldn't come nigh a V spot;
Although, most anywares we've ben, you needn't break no locks,
Nor run no kin' o' risks, to fill your pocket full o' rocks.
I guess I mentioned in my last some o' the nateral feeturs
O' this all-fiered buggy hole in th' way o' awfle creeturs,
But I fergut to name (new things to speak on so abounded)
How one day you'll most die o' thust, an' 'fore the next git
drownded.
The clymit seems to me jest like a teapot made o' pewter
Our Prudence hed, thet wouldn't pour (all she could du) to suit
her;
Fust place, the leaves 'ould choke the spout, so's not a drop 'ould dreen out,
Then Prude 'ould tip an' tip an' tip, till the holl kit bust clean out,
The kiver hinge-pin bein' lost, tea-leaves an' tea an' kiver
'Ould all come down kerswosh! ez though the dam broke in a river.
Jest so't is here; holl months there aint a day o' rainy weather, An' jest ez th' officers 'ould be alayin' heads together
Ez t' how they'd mix their drink at sech a milingtary deepot'T 'ould pour ez though the lid wuz off the everlastin' teapot. The consequence is, thet I shall take, wen I'm allowed to leave here,
One piece o' propaty along-an' thet's the shakin' fever;
It's reggilar employment, though, an' thet aint thought to harm
Nor 't ain't so tiresome ez it wuz with t'other leg an' arm on;
An' it's a consolation, tu, although it doosn't pay,
To hev it said you're some gret shakes in any kin' o' way.
'T worn't very long, I tell ye wut, I thought o' fortin-makin'-
One day a reg'lar shiver-de-freeze, an' next ez good ez bakin'-
One day abrilin' in the sand, then smoth'rin' in the mashes-
Git up all sound, be put to bed a mess o' hacks an' smashes.
But then, thinks I, at any rate there's glory to be hed-
Thet's an investment, arter all, thet mayn't turn out so bad;
But somehow, wen we'e fit an' licked, I ollers found the thanks
Gut kin' o' lodged afore they come ez low down ez the ranks;
The Gin'rals gut the biggest sheer, the Cunnels next, an' so on—
We never gut a blasted mite o' glory, ez I know on;
An' spose we hed, I wonder how you're goin' to contrive its
Division so's to give a piece to twenty thousand privits;
Ef you should multiply by ten the portion o' the brav'st one,
You wouldn't git more'n half enough to speak of on a grave-
We git the licks-we're jest the grist thet 's put into War's hoppers;
Leftenants is the lowest grade thet helps pick up the coppers.
It may suit folks thet go agin a body with a soul in't,,
An' aint contented with a hide without a bagnet hole in't;
But glory is a kin' o' thing I sha'n't pursue no furder
Coz thet's the off'cers parquisite-yourn's on'y jest the murder.
Wal, arter I gin glory up, thinks I, at least there's one
Thing in the bills we aint hed yit, an' thet's the GLORIOUS FUN;
Ef once we git to Mexico, we fairly may persume we
All day an' night shall revel in the halls o' Montezumy.
I'll tell ye wut my revels wuz, an' see how you would like 'em;
We never gut inside the hall: the nighest ever I come
Wuz stan'in' sentry in the sun (an', fact, it seemed a cent'ry)
A ketchin' smells o' biled an' roast thet come out thru the entry,
An' hearin' ez I sweltered thru my passes an' repasses,
A rat-tat-too o' knives an' forks, a clinkty-clink o' glasses:
I can't tell off the bill o' fare the Gin'rals hed inside;
All I know is, thet out o' doors a pair o' soles wuz fried,
An' not a hundred miles away frum ware this child wuz posted,
A Massachusetts citizen wuz baked an' biled an' roasted;
The on'y thing like revellin' thet ever come to me
Wuz bein' routed out o' sleep by thet darned revelee.
They say the quarrel's settled now; for my part I've some doubt on't.
'T'll take more fish-skin than folks think to take the rile clean out
At any rate, I'm so used up I can't do no more fightin',
The only chance thet's left to me is politics or writin';
Now, ez the people's gut to hev a milingtary man,
An' I ain't nothin' else jest now, I've hit upon a plan;
The can'idatin' line, you know, 'ould suit me to a T,
An' ef I lose, 't wunt hurt my ears to lodge another flea;
So I'll set up as can'idate fer any kin' o' office
(I mean fer any thet includes good easy-cheers an' soffies;
Fer ez tu runnin' fer a place ware work's the time o' day,
You know thet's wut I never did-except the other way);
Ef it's the Presidential cheer fer which I'd better run,
Wut two legs anyware about could keep up with my one?
There ain't no kin' o' quality in can'idates, it's said,
So useful ez a wooden leg-except a wooden head;
There's nothin' ain't so poppylar-(wy, it's a parfect sin
To think wut Mexico hez paid fer Santy Anny's pin)-
Then I hain't gut no princerples, an', sence I wuz knee-high,
I never did hev any gret, ez you can testify;
I'm a decided peace-man, tu, an' go ag'in the war
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