NATRAL AND UNNATRAL ARISTOKRATS.

BY JOSH BILLINGS.

NATUR furnishes all the nobleman we hav.

She holds the pattent.

Pedigree haz no more to do in making a man aktually grater than he iz, than a pekok's feather in his hat haz in making him aktually taller.

Thiz iz a hard phakt for some tew learn.

This mundane earth iz thik with male and femail ones who think they are grate bekauze their ansesstor waz luckey in the sope or tobacco trade; and altho the sope haz run out sum time since, they try tew phool themselves and other folks with the suds.

Sope suds iz a prekarious bubble.

Thare ain't nothing so thin on the ribs az a sope suds aristokrat. When the world stands in need ov an aristokrat, natur pitches one into it, and furnishes hím papers without enny flaw in them. Aristokrasy kant be transmitted-natur sez so—in the papers. Titles are a plan got up bi humans tew assist natur in promulgating aristokrasy.

are.

Titles ain't ov enny more real use or nesessity than dog collars

I hav seen dog collars that kost 3 dollars on dogs that want worth, in enny market, over 87 1-2 cents.

This iz a grate waste ov collar; and a grate damage tew the dog. Natur don't put but one ingredient into her kind ov aristokrasy, and that iz virtew.

She wets up the virtew, sumtimes, with a little pepper sass, just tew make it lively.

She sez that all other kinds are false; and i beleave natur.

I wish every man and woman on earth waz a bloated aristokrat—

bloated with virtew.

Earthly manufaktured aristokrats are made principally out ov munny.

Forty years ago it took about 85 thousand dollars tew make a good-sized aristokrat, and innokulate his family with the same

disseaze, but it takes now about 600 thousand tew throw the partys into fits.

Aristokrasy, like all other bred stuffs, haz riz.

It don't take enny more virtew tew make an aristokrat now, nor clothes, than it did in the daze ov Abraham.

A man kan go barefoot and be virtewous, and be an aristokrat. Diogoneze waz an aristokrat.

His brown stun front waz a tub, and it want on end, at that. Moneyed aristokrasy iz very good to liv on in the present hi kondishun ov kodphis and wearing apparel, provided yu see the munny, but if the munny kind of tires out and don't reach yu, and you don't git ennything but the aristokrasy, you hav got to diet, that's all.

I kno ov thousands who are now dieting on aristokrasy..
They say it tastes good.

I presume they lie without knowing it.

Not enny ov this sort ov aristocrasy for Joshua Billings.

I never should think ov mixing munny and aristokrasy together; i will take mine seperate, if yu pleze.

I don't never expekt tew be an aristokrat, nor an angel; i dont kno az i want tew be one.

I certainly should make a miserable angel.

I certainly never shall hav munny enuff tew make an aristokrat.

Raizing aristokrats iz a dredful poor bizzness; yu don't never git your seed back.

One democrat iz worth more tew the world than 60 thousand manufaktured aristokrats.

An Amerikan aristokrat iz the most ridikilus thing in market. They are generally ashamed ov their ansesstors; and, if they hav enny, and live long enuff, they generally hav cauze tew be ashamed ov their posterity.

I kno ov sevral familys in Amerika who are trieing tew liv on their aristokrasy. The money and branes giv out sum time ago. It iz hard skratching for them.

Yu kan warm up kold potatoze and liv on them, but yu kant warm up aristokratik pride and git even a smell.

Yu might az well undertake tew raze a krop ov korn in a deserted brik yard by manuring the ground heavy with tan bark.

YUNG man, set down, and keep still-yu will hav plenty ov chances yet to make a phool ov yureself before yu die.

JOSH BILLINGS.

EXAMPLES OF TURKISH JUSTICE.

BY S. S. COX.

IN Egypt, long before the Turkish rule in that region, there were struggles between the Mamelukes and the Circassians. A Circassian chief, through the advice of a servant, who, though ignorant, was naturally astute, happened by accident to discover the weak points of the ruling government in Egypt. Upon these points, as upon the rounds of a ladder, he ascended to the throne. Formerly, the Circassian had promised the servant that if ever he obtained that eminence the servant should receive the appointment of Chief Judge. The servant's name was Caracoush, meaning "black bird." So, as soon as the chief was enthroned, he gave Caracoush the promised post. Among the many cases that came before him was the following petition:

"Being a burglar by profession, and compelled by want to rob a house, I select that of a tailor. To enter it I must make my way through the courtyard. This is surrounded by a high wall. In jumping from this wall I am caught on the spikes the tailor had fixed in the wall to suspend ropes for the washing. The result is, I lose an eye. I now demand that my eye be restored. and that the fellow who drove the spike shall be punished."

The judge reads the petition, and concludes that justice is due the petitioner. He summons the tailor, to whom the matter is explained. The tailor argues that the thief has no business to jump into his yard in the night, so that if he lost an eye, it is his own fault. But the judge remarks:

"The thief is only practicing his profession, and the law only punishes robbers."

"If," he says to the tailor, "you had not driven the spikes in the walls, the thief would not have lost his eye; therefore your eye must pay the forfeit."

The poor tailor begs and cries in vain. The verdict is pronounced. It must be executed. After a long struggle, the tailor seizes the knees of the judge, kisses them vigorously, and with tears in his eyes, exclaims:

"Oh! mighty judge. Your decision is sound, but consider. Am I not supporting a large family-my old mother, my wife, and my seven young children? They all depend on me, and I

myself depend on my two eyes. Am I not a tailor? Do I not need my two eyes? If I lose one, how can I pass the thread into the needle's eye? How can I do my fine sewing? My reputation will suffer and all of us starve!"

Seeing some sign of relenting in the judicial countenance, the tailor is encouraged. He resumes, brightening:

"I have a neighbor who is a sportsman. When he aims at the game he shuts one eye. Why, great judge, his two eyes are an embarrassment to him! Had he but one, it would save him the trouble of shutting the other. Moreover, what difference does it make to this robber? All he wants is an eye pulled out. Whether it be mine or that of the sportsman's, what matter? It is all one to him.”

The argument sounds plausible. The judge considers a moment, and then sends for the sportsman. In spite of protests, he decrees the loss of the sportsman's superfluous eye. The verdict is carried into execution, and judicial logic is vindicated !

In the interior of Hungary a Turkish agent is sent to buy cavalry horses to recruit for the then probable war with Bulgaria and Greece. While there the

agent desires that the proprietor THE UNFORTUNATE HUNTER. of a village, with whom he was

contracting, should show him a specimen of the Hungarian mode of proceeding.

"Wait a few moments," says the proprietor, who is also a magistrate," and I will see who is in the town jail."

Calling his constable, he is informed by that officer that a goose thief had been apprehended during the night, and is in confineHe sends for the criminal.

ment.

"Are there any witnesses?" asks the judge.

"Two," is the answer; "the man who owns the goose, and a man who saw the theft."