All this by Syllogifm, true
80 In Mood and Figure, he wou'd do.
For RHETORICK, he cou'd not ope
His Mouth, but out there flew a Trope:
And when he happen'd to break off
I'th' middle of his Speech, or cough,
85 H' had hard Words ready to fhew why,
And tell what Rules he did it by: posiopes is
Elfe when with greatest Art he spoke,
You'd think he talk'd like other Folk.
For all a Rhetorician's Rules
90 Teach nothing but to name his Tools.
But, when he pleas'd to fhew't, his Speech
In Loftinefs of Sound was rich;
A Babylonish Dialect,
Which learned Pedants much affect; 95 It was a party-colour'd Dress
Of patch'd and pye-ball'd Languages:
'Twas English cut on Greek and Latin,
Like Fuftian heretofore on Sattin.
It had an odd promifcuous Tene,
100 As if h' had talk'd three Parts in one;
Which made fome think, when he did gabble,
Th' had heard three Labourers of Babel;
Or CERBERUS himself pronounce
A Leafh of Languages at once.
105 This he as volubly would vent
As if his Stock would ne'er be spent ;
And truly, to fupport that Charge,
He had Supplies as vaft and large:
For he cou'd coin or counterfeit
110 New Words, with little or no Wit;
Words fo debas'd and hard, no Stone
Was hard enough to touch them on:
And when with hafty Noife he spoke 'em, The Ignorant for current took 'em ; 115 That had the h Orator, who once
Did fill his Mouth with Pebble-Stones
When he harangu'd, but known his Phrafe,
He wou'd have us'd no other Ways.
In MATHEMATICKS he was greater
120 Than TYCHO BRAHE, or ERRA PATER:
For he, by Geometrick Scale,
Could take the Size of Pots of Ale;
Refolve by Sines and Tangents, ftraight,
If Bread or Butter wanted Weight;
125 And wifely tell what Hour o' th' Day
The Clock does ftrike, by Algebra.
Befide, he was a fhrewd PHILOSOPHER, And had read ev'ry Text and Glofs over: Whate'er the crabbed'ft Author hath, 130 He understood b' implicit Faith: Whatever Sceptick could enquire for, For ev'ry Why, he had a Wherefore:: Knew more than forty of them do, As far as Words and Terms cou'd go. 135 All which he understood by Rote, And, as Occafion ferv'd, would quote: No Matter whether right or wrong, They might be either faid, or fung. His Notions fitted Things fo well,
140 That which was which he cou'd not tell; But oftentimes miftook the one
For th' other, as great Clerks have done.
He cou'd reduce all Things to Acts,
And knew their Natures by Abstracts;
145 Where Entity and Quiddity,
The Ghofts of defunct Bodies, fly;
Where Truth in Perfon does appear,
Like Words congeal'd in Northern Air. He knew what's what, and that's as high 150 As Metaphyfick Wit can fly.
In School-Divinity as able
As he that hight, Irrefragable;
A fecond P THOMAS, or at once
To name them all, another DUNCE:
155 Profound in all the nominal
And real Ways beyond them all;
For he a Rope of Sand cou'd twist
As a tough as learned SORBONIST;
And weave fine Cobwebs, fit for Scull
160 That's empty when the Moon is full;
Such as take Lodgings in a Head
That's to be let unfurnished.
He cou'd raise Scruples dark and nice, And after folve 'em in a Trice, 165 As if Divinity had catch'd
The Itch, on Purpose to be fcratch'd; Or, like a Mountebank, did wound And ftab herself with Doubts profound, Only to fhew with how fmall Pain 170 The Sores of Faith are cur'd again; Altho' by woful Proof we find, They always leave a Scar behind. He knew the Seat of Paradife, Cou'd tell in what Degree it lies: 175 And, as he was difpos'd, cou'd prove it, Below the Moon, or else above it. What ADAM dreamt of, when his Bride Came from her Closet in his Side: Whether the Devil tempted her
180 By a High-Dutch Interpreter:
If either of them had a Navel:
Who firft made Mufick malleable:
Whether the Serpent, at the Fall,
Had cloven Feet, or none at all.
185 All this, without. a Glofs or Comment,
He cou'd unriddle in a Moment,
In proper Terms, fuch as Men fmatter,
When they throw out and miss the Matter.
For his RELIGION, it was fit
190 To match his Learning and his Wit;
"Twas Prefbyterian True-Blue,
For he was of that ftubborn Crew
Of Errant Saints, whom all Men grant
To be the true Church militant:
195 Such as do build their Faith upon
The holy Text of Pike and Gun;
Decide all Controverfies by
Infallible Artillery;
And prove their Doctrine orthodox
200 By apoftolick Blows and Knocks;
Call Fire, and Sword, and Defolation,
A godly thorough Reformation,
Which always must be carry'd on,
And ftill be doing, never done:
205 As if Religion were intended
For nothing else but to be mended.
A Sect whofe chief Devotion lies
In odd perverse Antipathies:
In falling out with that or this,
210 And finding fomewhat ftill amifs:
More peevish, crofs, and fplenetick,
Than Dog diftract, or Monkey fick :
That with more Care keep Holy-day
The wrong, than others the right Way:
215 Compound for Sins they are inclin'd to,
By damning those they have no Mind to.
Still fo perverse and oppofite,
As if they worship'd God for Spight.
The felf-fame Thing they will abhor
220 One Way, and long another for.
Free-Will they one Way difavow,
Another, nothing else allow.
All Piety confifts therein
In them, in other Men all Sin. 225 Rather than fail, they will defy
That which they love moft tenderly; Quarrel with Minc'd-Pies, and difparage Their best and deareft Friend Plum-Porridge; Fat Pig and Goose itself oppose, 230 And blafpheme Custard thro' the Nofe. Th' Apoftles of this fierce Religion,
Like MAHOMET'S W were Afs and Widgeon.
To whom our Knight, by faft Instinct
Of Wit and Temper, was fo linkt,
235 As if Hypocrify and Nonsense
Had got th' Advowfon of his Confcience.
Thus was he gifted and accouter'd,
We mean on th' Infide, not the outward,
That next of all we fhall discuss ;
240 Then liften, Sirs, it follows thus:
His tawny Beard was th' equal Grace
Both of his Wisdom and his Face;
In Cut and Dye fo like a Tile,
A fudden View it would beguile :
245 The upper Part thereof was Whey,
The nether Orange mix'd with Grey.
This hairy Meteor did denounce
The Fall of Scepters and of Crowns:
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