fo refifted the Spirit of God. O Lord, how juft hadft thou been, if thou hadst left me entirely to myself! And if thou hadst, nothing would have been too bad for fuch a vile wretch as I to have committed. But bleffed be God, who withheld me from fuch fins as would have brought me to open justice, and expofed myfelf and family to fhame and difgrace.

In process of time, I was married to Mr. Samuel Wheaten, being in my eighteenth year, October 21, 1731, and went with my husband, the next winter, to fee his friends in the country; where I flayed almoft five months; and was almoft all the time under ftrong convictions. Oh, how I did fweat and tremble for fear my convictions fhould wear off again, and plead with God to fet home ftrong convictions, and/ never, never fuffer them to ceafe, till they ended in a found and saving converfion; till I knew and was fure that I had a saving interest in Jefus Chrift, and was freely forgiven for his fake! And this was the fubftance of my frequent prayers ever after, when I could prayat all with earneftnefs; that I might never reft more, till I was fure my peace was made with God.

From this time I had a hope again, at times, that Chrift was mine. But it was fome years after before it pleased God to answer it fully, by giving me an affurance of it. But then I longed again for the ordinance of the Lord's fupper, though fome times fhocked by that awful text, "He who eateth and drinketh unworthily, eateth and drinketh damnationto himself." But

refolved

refolved at laft, if I lived to get home, I would venture, in obedience to the commandment of Chrift; and throw myfelf into the arms of mercy. I longed to commemorate the death and fufferings of a crucified Jesus. I thought noth, ing fhould tempt me to delay any longer. But, oh my finful foul, muft I yet add to the number of thy backflidings! Could not the time paft fuffice, that thou hadft provoked a compaffionate God! Was it not enough, and more than enough, that thou hadft rebelled so long against a glorious Christ, and grieved his bleffed Spirit! But muft 1 go on again, after fuch awakenings as thefe, which one would have thought impoffible! But, oh deceitful heart, thou didft, thou didst! Lord, I blufh and am afhamed, when I remember my notorious ingratitude. O break this heart of flint, dearest Lord, that it may melt into tears of contrition: And.never fuffer me to forgive myfelf, because thou haft forgiven me..

After I came home, I met with much afflic-tion in many respects. It feemed to me that the whole world were in arms against me. I thought I was the moft defpifed creature living. upon earth. I ufed to pray to God in fecret to relieve me; but did not, as I ought, fee his. hand in permitting it fo to be, as a juft punifhment for my vile fins. And therefore was. not humbled under it as I ought; but let na-ture rife, and acted very imprudently, in many respects. I was then with child, and often lamented that I was like to bring a child into fuch a world of forrow: But fome times found a difpofition to dedicate my babe to God, while in

b

the

the womb; and did fo, at all feafons of fecret prayer. And, after it was born, my husband being at fea, I could not rest till I had folemnly given it up to God in baptifm. And I thought that I did indeed give up both myself and it to God.

I met with many trials in my lying in, it be ing an extreme cold feafon. My child was. born on Oct. 27, 1732. The next spring, my hufband returned home; but went to fea again, and died abroad in November, 1733. I was. then in my twentieth year. The news of my hulband's death came to me on the firft of the next April. And I was prepared the evening. before to receive it, by being uncommonly exercifed in my mind about fpiritual things: And that text in Hebrews was continually in my thoughts," How fhall we efcape, if we neglect fo great falvation ?" This put me upon pleading with God, that I might not be found among the neglecters of it. I went to bed in a houfe. all alone, my child being at my father's. And about eleven or twelve o'clock at night was ã, waked to hear the heavy tidings, But God ap: peared wonderfully for my fupport. I faw his. hand, and was enabled to submit with patience. to his will. I daily looked round me, to fee how much heavier the hand of God was laid on fome others, than it was on me, where they wera - left with a large number of children, and much, involved in debt. And I had but one to maintain; and, though poor, yet not involved. Oth.. ers, I faw, as well as myfelf, had their friends. fnatched from them by fudden accidents. The confideration

confideration of these things, together with the thoughts of what I deferved, filled me fo, that though the lofs of my companion, whom I dearly loved, was great; yet the veins of mercy, which I faw running through all my afflictions, were fo great likewife, that, with Job, I could fay, "The Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away, and bleffed be the name of the Lord." 1 had then, the promifes of the widow's God to plead, and feemed to caft myself more immediately upon his care, verily believing, as I thought, he would provide for me, with my fatherlefs babe; for whom I often pleaded for covenant bleffings, fince he had been cast upon God from, the womb.

O, how much comfort do thofe parents lofe,. who never gave their, children up to God in baptifm in their infancy! And bow fad for children themselves to be deprived of the privilege of pleading with God for covenant bleffings! My being dedicated to God in my infancy always put an argument into my mouth, to beg. of God that I might not cut my felf off, fince 1 was a child of the covenant, and from a child given to him in baptifin. But, to retura :

As before this affliction every one seemed to be enemies to me, so from that time, all became friends. My parents treated me very tenderly; and God inclined every one who faw. me to be kind to me. My brother was come into NewEngland: And being a fingle man, we went to housekeeping together. But in three months after he married, and I foon found it would not do to live as before; and began to be thought

ful

1

ful how I fhould do. I could fee no way in which I could get a living. All doors feemed. to be fhut. But I verily believed that God. would point out a way for me. And accordingly, the very day I came to a refolution to. move as foon as I could, a ftranger to my cafe, who kept a school a little way off, came to me, and told me that she only waited for a fair wind to go to Carolina; and, if it would fuit me, I fhould have her chamber and fchollars; which I joyfully accepted. Thus the widow's God remarkably provided for me. This was on Nov. 19, 1734. I was then placed in a family, who difcovered a great deal of affection for me; and in all refpects ufed me as tenderly as if I had been a near relation.

It pleafed God the next May to lay his af fliding hand on me, by a fharp humour, which broke out in my hands, fo that, for three months, every finger I had was wrapped up in plafters; and I could help myfelf but very little, and was under the doctor's hands. In the fall I was taken with violent fits, and was quite deprived of fenfe by them five days. I was blistered almost all over by the doctor; and my hands and arms were all raw, from my fingers' ends, up above my elbows, attended with a high fever. But all my friends were exceedingly kind to me, and thofe in the houfe took care of me, and of my children too; fo that my. fchool was not broken up, till I was able to take care of it my felf again. But the fharp humour continued very violent, at times, for fome years: And fill continues at fome fea

fons..