lest I should at some times, I say, consent thereto, and be overcome therewith, that by the very force of my mind, in labouring to gainsay and resist this wickedness, my very body also would be put into action or motion by way of pushing or thrusting 'with my hands or elbows,' still answering as fast as the destroyer said, Sell him; I will not, I will not, I will not, I will not; no, not for thousands, thousands, thousands of worlds. Thus reckoning lest I should in the midst of these assaults, set too low a value of him, even until I scarce well knew where I was, or how to be composed again. 6 morsel of meat, sold his birthright; for ye know, how that afterward, when he would have inherited the blessing, he was rejected; for he found no place of repentance, though he sought it carefully with tears." He. xii. 16, 17. 142. Now was I as one bound, I felt myself shut up unto the judgment to come; nothing now for two years together would abide with me, but damnation, and an expectation of damnation; I say, nothing now would abide with me but this, save some few moments for relief, as in the sequel you will see.' 138. At these seasons he would not let me eat 143. These words were to my soul like fetters 'my food at quiet; but, forsooth, when I was set of brass to my legs, in the continual sound of which ⚫ at the table at my meat, I must go hence to pray; I went for several months together. But about I must leave my food now, and just now, so ten or eleven o'clock one day, as I was walking ⚫ counterfeit holy also would this devil be. When under a hedge, full of sorrow and guilt, God knows, I was thus tempted, I should say in myself, Now and bemoaning myself for this hard hap, that such I am at my meat, let me make an end. No, a thought should arise within me; suddenly this ⚫ said he, you must do it now, or you will displease sentence bolted in upon me, The blood of Christ ⚫ God, and despise Christ. Wherefore I was much remits all guilt. At this I made a stand in my ' afflicted with these things; and because of the spirit; with that, this word took hold upon me, sinfulness of my nature, imagining that these "The blood of Jesus Christ, his Son, cleanseth us 'things were impulses from God, I should deny to from all sin." 1 Jn. i. 7. 'do it, as if I denied God; and then should I be 'as guilty, because I did not obey a temptation ' of the devil, as if I had broken the law of God ' indeed.' 144. Now I began to conceive peace in my soul, and methought I saw as if the tempter did leert and steal away from me, as being ashamed of what he had done. At the same time also I had my sin, and the blood of Christ thus represented to me, that my sin, when compared to the blood of Christ, was no more to it, than this little clot or stone before me, is to this vast and wide field that here I see. This gave me good encouragement for the space of two or three hours; in which time also, methought I saw, by faith, the Son of God, as suffering for my sins; but because it tarried not, I therefore sunk in my spirit, under exceeding guilt again. 139. But to be brief, one morning, as I did lie in my bed, I was, as at other times, most fiercely assaulted with this temptation, to sell and part with Christ; the wicked suggestion still running in my mind, Sell him, sell him, sell him, sell him, 'sell him,' as fast as a man could speak; against which also, in my mind, as at other times, I answered, No, no, not for thousands, thousands, thousands, at least twenty times together. But at last, after much striving, even until I was almost out of breath, I felt this thought pass through my 145. But chiefly by the afore-mentioned scripheart, Let him go, if he will! and I thought also,ture, concerning Esau's selling of his birthright; that I felt my heart 'freely' consent thereto. 'Oh, for that scripture would lie all day long, all the the diligence of Satan! * Oh, the desperatenessweek long, yea, all the year long in my mind, and of man's heart!' 'hold me down, so that I could by no means lift 140. Now was the battle won, and down fell I, as a bird that is shot from the top of a tree, into great guilt, and fearful despair. Thus getting out of my bed, I went moping into the field; but God knows, with as heavy a heart as mortal man, I think, could bear; where, for the space of two hours, I was like a man bereft of life, and as now past all recovery, and bound over to eternal punish ment. 141. And withal, that scripture did seize upon my soul, "Or profane person, as Esau, who for one He is a restless, powerful, and malicious enemy; ever striving to drive the sinner to desperation. Let the tempted look to Jesus the serpent-bruiser to shield him, so that the fiery darts of the wicked one may be quenched.—Mason. having sinned as I had done. Now was I tore and | David's adultery and murder, and found them rent in heavy case, for many days together. 147. Then began I with sad and careful heart, to consider of the nature and largeness of my sin, and to search in the Word of God, if I could in any place espy a word of promise, or any encouraging sentence by which I might take relief. Wherefore I began to consider that third of Mark, All manner of sins and blasphemies shall be forgiven unto the sons of men, wherewith soever they shall blaspheme. Which place, methought, at a blush, did contain a large and glorious promise, for the pardon of high offences; but considering the place more fully, I thought it was rather to be understood as relating more chiefly to those who had, while in a natural estate, committed such things as there are mentioned; but not to me, who had not only received light and mercy, but that had, both after, and also contrary to that, so slighted Christ as I had done. most heinous crimes; and those too committed after light and grace received; but yet by considering, I perceived that his transgressions were only such as were against the law of Moses; from which the Lord Christ could, with the consent of his Word, deliver him: but mine was against the gospel; yea, against the Mediator thereof; 'I had sold my Saviour.' 152. Now again should I be as if racked upon the wheel, when I considered, that, besides the guilt that possessed me, I should be so void of grace, so bewitched. What, thought I, must it be no sin but this? Must it needs be the great transgression? Ps. xix. 13. Must that wicked one touch my soul? 1 Jn. v. 18. Oh, what stings did I find in all these sentences! 153. What, thought I, is there but one sin that is unpardonable? But one sin that layeth the 'soul without the reach of God's mercy; and must 148. I feared therefore that this wicked sin of I be guilty of that? Must it needs be that? Is mine, might be that sin unpardonable, of which he 'there but one sin among so many millions of sins, there thus speaketh. "But he that shall blas-for which there is no forgiveness; and must I pheme against the Holy Ghost hath never for-commit this? Oh, unhappy sin! Oh, unhappy giveness, but is in danger of eternal damnation."man! These things would so break and conMar. iii. 29. And I did the rather give credit to this, found my spirit, that I could not tell what to do; because of that sentence in the Hebrews, "For yeI thought, at times, they would have broke my know, how that afterward, when he would have wits; and still, to aggravate my misery, that inherited the blessing, he was rejected; for he found no place of repentance, though he sought it carefully with tears." And this stuck always with me.' 149. And now was I both a burden and a 'terror to myself, nor did I ever so know, as now, 'what it was to be weary of my life, and yet afraid 'to die. Oh, how gladly now would I have been 'anybody but myself! Anything but a man! and in any condition but mine own! for there was nothing did pass more frequently over my 'mind, than that it was impossible for me to be 'forgiven my transgression, and to be saved from 'wrath to come.' 150. And now began I to labour to call again time that was past; wishing a thousand times twice told, that the day was yet to come, when I should be tempted to such a sin! concluding with great indignation, both against my heart, and all assaults, how I would rather have been torn in pieces, than found a consenter thereto. But, alas! these thoughts, and wishings, and resolvings, were now too late to help me; the thought had passed my heart, God hath let me go, and I am fallen. Oh! thought I, "that it was with me as in months past, as in the days when God preserved me!" Job xxix. 2. 151. Then again, being loath and unwilling to perish, I began to compare my sin with others, to see if I could find that any of those that were saved had done as I had done. So I considered would run in my mind, "Ye know how that after ward, when he would have inherited the blessing, he was rejected." Oh! none knows the terrors of those days but myself." 154. After this I came to consider of Peter's sin, which he committed in denying his master; and indeed, this came nighest to mine, of any that I could find; for he had denied his Saviour, as I, and that after light and mercy received; yea, and that too, after warning given him. I also considered, that he did it both once and twice; and that, after time to consider betwixt. But though I put all these circumstances together, that, if possible, I might find help. yet I considered again, that his was but a denial of his master, but mine was a selling of my Saviour. Wherefore I thought with myself, that I came nearer to Judas, than either to David or Peter. 155. Here again my torment would flame out and afflict me; yea, it would grind me, as it were, to powder, to discern the preservation of God towards others, while I fell into the snare; for in | strivings; besides, his was committed with much 156. But oh, how did my soul, at this time, prize the preservation that God did set about his people! Ah, how safely did I see them walk, whom God had hedged in! They were within his care, protection, and special providence; though they were full as bad as I by nature; yet because he loved them, he would not suffer them to fall without the range of mercy; but as for me, I was gone, I had done it; he would not preserve me, nor keep me; but suffered me, because I was a reprobate, to fall as I had done. Now, did those blessed places, that spake of God's keeping his people, shine like the sun before me, though not to comfort me, but to show me the blessed state and heritage of those whom the Lord had blessed. 157. Now I saw, that as God had his hand in all providences and dispensations that overtook his elect, so he had his hand in all the temptations that they had to sin against him, not to 'animate them unto wickedness, but to choose * their temptations and troubles for them; and also 'to leave them, for a time, to such sins only as 'might not destroy, but humble them; as might *not put them beyond, but lay them in the way of the renewing of his mercy. But oh, what love, what care, what kindness and mercy did I now 'see, mixing itself with the most severe and dreadful of all God's ways to his people! He would 'let David, Hezekiah, Solomon, Peter, and others 'fall, but he would not let them fall into sin un'pardonable, nor into hell for sin. Oh! thought I, these be the men that God hath loved; these be the men that God, though he chastiseth them, 'keeps them in safety by him, and them whom he * makes to abide under the shadow of the Almighty. But all these thoughts added sorrow, grief, and 'horror to me, as whatever I now thought on, it was killing to me. If I thought how God kept 'his own, that was killing to me. If I thought of *how I was falling myself, that was killing to me. As all things wrought together for the best, and to do good to them that were the called, according to *his purpose; so I thought that all things wrought for my damage, and for my eternal overthrow.' 158. Then, again, I began to compare my sin with the sin of Judas, that, if possible, I might find that mine differed from that which, in truth, is unpardonable. And, oh! thought I, if it should differ from it,' though but the breadth of an hair, what a happy condition is my soul in! And, by considering, I found that Judas did his intentionally, but mine was against my 'prayer and' VOL. L 159. Yet this consideration about Judas, his sin was, for a while, some little relief unto me; for I saw I had not, as to the circumstances, transgressed so foully as he. But this was quickly gone again, for, I thought with myself, there might be more ways than one to commit the unpardonable sin; ' also I thought' that there might be degrees of that, as well as of other transgressions; wherefore, for ought I yet could perceive, this iniquity of mine might be such, as might never be passed by. 160. I was often now ashamed, that I should be like such an ugly man as Judas; I thought, a also, how loathsome I should be unto all the saints ' at the day of judgment; insomuch, that now I 'could scarce see a good man, that I believed had a good conscience, but I should feel my heart tremble at him, while I was in his presence. Oh! 'now I saw a glory in walking with God, and what mercy it was to have a good conscience before him. 161. I was much about this time tempted to content myself, by receiving some false opinion; as that there should be no such thing as a day of judgment, that we should not rise again, and that sin was no such grievous thing; the tempter suggesting thus, For if these things should in'deed be true, yet to believe otherwise, would yield you ease for the present. If you must perish, never torment yourself so much before hand; drive the thoughts of damning out of your mind, by possessing your mind with some such conclusions that Atheists and Ranters do use to help themselves withal. 162. But, oh! when such thoughts have led through my heart, how, as it were, within a step, hath death and judgment been in my view! methought the judge stood at the door, I was as if it was come already; so that such things could have no entertainment. But, methinks, I see by this, that Satan will use any means to keep the soul from Christ; he loveth not an awakened frame of spirit; security, blindness, darkness, and error is the very kingdom and habitation of the wicked birthright, he would have received the blessing, 'but was rejected. About this time, I did light on that dreadful story of that miserable mortal, Francis Spira; * a book that was to my troubled 'spirit as salt, when rubbed into a fresh wound; every sentence in that book, every groan of that man, with all the rest of his actions in his dolours, as his tears, his prayers, his gnashing of teeth, • his wringing of hands, his twining and twisting, languishing and pining away under that mighty hand of God that was upon him, was as knives and daggers in my soul; especially that sentence of his was frightful to me, Man knows the be'ginning of sin, but who bounds the issues thereof? Then would the former sentence, as the conclusion ' of all, fall like a hot thunderbolt again upon my 'conscience; "for you know how that afterward, when he would have inherited the blessing, he 'was rejected; for he found no place of repentance, though he sought it carefully with tears.' very condition; once I loved him, feared him, served him; but now I am a rebel; I have sold him, I have said, Let him go if he will; but yet he has gifts for rebels, and then why not for me?' 167. This sometimes I thought on, and should labour to take hold thereof, that some, though small, refreshment might have been conceived by me; but in this also I missed of my desire, I was driven with force beyond it, I was' like a man that is going to the place of execution, even by that place where he would fain creep in and hide himself, but may not. 168. Again, after I had thus considered the sins of the saints in particular, and found mine went beyond them, then I began to think thus with myself: Set the case I should put all theirs together, and mine alone against them, might I not then find some encouragement? For if mine, though bigger than any one, yet should but be equal to all, then there is hopes; for that blood that hath virtue enough 'in it' to wash away all theirs, hath also virtue enough in it to do away mine, though this one be full as big, if no bigger, than all theirs. Here, again, I should consider the sin of David, of Solomon, of Manasseh, of Peter, and the rest of the great offenders; and should also labour, what I might with fairness, to aggravate and heighten their sins by several circumstances: but, alas! it was all in vain.† 164. Then was I struck into a very great trembling, insomuch that at sometimes I could, for whole days together, feel my very body, as well as my mind, to shake and totter under the sense of the dreadful judgment of God, that should fall on those that have sinned that most fearful and unpardonable sin. I felt also such a clogging and heat at my stomach, by reason of this my terror, that I was, especially at some times, as if my breast bone would have split in sunder; then I 169. I should think with myself that David thought of that concerning Judas, who, by his shed blood to cover his adultery, and that by the falling headlong, burst asunder, and all his bowelssword of the children of Ammon; a work that gushed out. Ac. i. 18. 'could not be done but by continuance and deliberate contrivance, which was a great aggravation to his sin. But then this would turn upon me: Ah! but these were but sins against the law, 165. I feared also that this was the mark that the Lord did set on Cain, even continual fear and trembling, under the heavy load of guilt that he had charged on him for the blood of his brother Abel. Thus did I wind, and twine, and shrink, under the burden that was upon me; which burden also did so oppress me, that I could neither stand, nor go, nor lie, either at rest or quiet. 166. Yet that saying would sometimes come to my mind, He hath received gifts for the rebellious. Ps. lxviii. 18. The rebellious," thought I; why, surely they are such as once were under subjection 66 6 6 from which there was a Jesus sent to save them; but yours is a sin against the Saviour, and who shall save you from that? 170. Then I thought on Solomon, and how he 'sinned in loving strange women, in falling away to their idols, in building them temples, in doing this after light, in his old age, after great mercy received; but the same conclusion that cut me off in the former consideration, cut me off as to to their prince, even those who, after they have this; namely, that all those were but sins against sworn subjection to his government, have taken up arms against him; and this, thought I, is my *A Relation of the Fearful Estate of Francis Spira.' 'Here see a soul that's all despair; a man All hell; a spirit all wounds. Reader, would'st see what may you never feel, From the address to the reader, in a copy of this awful nar- Í should commit so great a sin, greatly fearing I should not be pardoned; praying, also, in my heart, that if this sin of mine did differ from that against the Holy Ghost, the Lord would show it idols in the house of the Lord; he also observed |⚫ times, used enchantment, had to do with wizards, 'was a wizard, had his familiar spirits, burned ' his children in the fire in sacrifice to devils, and ⚫ made the streets of Jerusalem run down with theme. And being now ready to sink with fear, ⚫ blood of innocents. These, thought I, are great 'sins, sins of a bloody colour; yea, it would turn again upon me: They are none of them of the * nature of yours; you have parted with Jesus, you have sold your Saviour.' 172. This one consideration would always kill my heart, My sin was point blank against my Saviour; and that too, at that height, that I had in my heart said of him, Let him go if he will. Oh! methought, this sin was bigger than the sins of a country, of a kingdom, or of the whole world, no one pardonable, nor all of them together, was able to equal mine; mine outwent them every one. suddenly there was, as if there had rushed in at 'the window, the noise of wind upon me, but very pleasant, and as if I heard a voice speaking, Didst ever refuse to be justified by the blood of 'Christ? And, withal my whole life and pro'fession past was, in a moment, opened to me, 'wherein I was made to see that designedly I had not; so my heart answered groaningly, No. Then fell, with power, that word of God upon me, See that ye refuse not him that speaketh." He. xii. 25. This made a strange seizure upon my spirit; it brought light with it, and commanded 'a silence in my heart of all those tumultuous thoughts that before did use, like masterless hellhounds, to roar and bellow, and make a hideous noise within me. It showed me, also, that Jesus 173. Now I should find my mind to flee from God, as from the face of a dreadful judge; yet this was my torment, I could not escape his hand: "It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living • Christ had yet a word of grace and mercy for God." He. 1. 31. But blessed be his grace, that me, that he had not, as I had feared, quite forscripture, in these flying sins,* would call as run-saken and cast off my soul; yea, this was a kind ning after me, "I have blotted out, as a thick of a chide for my proneness to desperation; a cloud, thy transgressions; and, as a cloud, thy kind of a threatening me if I did not, notwithstandsins: return unto me, for I have redeemed thee." 'ing my sins and the heinousness of them, venture is. xliv. 22. This, I say, would come in upon my my salvation upon the Son of God. But as to mind, when I was fleeing from the face of God; my determining about this strange dispensation, for I did flee from his face, that is, my mind and 'what it was I knew not; or from whence it came I spirit fled before him; by reason of his highness, I know not. I have not yet, in twenty years' time, could not endure; then would the text cry, "Return" been able to make a judgment of it; I thought unto me;" it would cry aloud with a very great then what here I shall be loath to speak. But voice, "Return unto me, for I have redeemed verily, that sudden rushing wind was as if an angel thee." Indeed, this would make me make a little had come upon me; but both it and the salvation stop, and, as it were, look over my shoulder be- I will leave until the day of judgment; only this hind me, to see if I could discern that the God of I say, it commanded a great calm in my soul, it grace did follow me with a pardon in his hand, but persuaded me there might be hope; it showed me, 1 could no sooner do that, but all would be clouded as I thought, what the sin unpardonable was, and and darkened again by that sentence, "For you 'that my soul had yet the blessed privilege to flee to know how that afterwards, when he would have Jesus Christ for mercy. But, I say, concerning inherited the blessing, he found no place of repent-this dispensation, I know not what yet to say unto ance, though he sought it carefully with tears." it; which was, also, in truth, the cause that, at Wherefore I could not return, but fled, though at first, I did not speak of it in the book; I do now, sometimes it cried, "Return, return," as if it did also, leave it to be thought on by men of sound holloa after me. But I feared to close in there-judgment. I lay not the stress of my salvation with, lest it should not come from God; for that thereupon, but upon the Lord Jesus, in the proother, as I said, was still sounding in my con-mise; yet, seeing I am here unfolding of my secret science,For you know how that afterwards, when he would have inherited the blessing, he was rejected," &c. things, I thought it might not be altogether inex'pedient to let this also show itself, though I cannot now relate the matter as there I did experience 174. Once as I was walking to and fro in ait. This lasted, in the savour of it, for about three good man's shop, bemoaning of myself in my or four days, and then I began to mistrust and to 'sad and doleful state, afflicting myself with self-despair again.† ' abhorrence for this wicked and ungodly thought; 'lamenting, also, this hard hap of mine, for that • Altered, in later editions, to 'flying fits.'-ED. + Internal conflicts, dreams, or visions ought not to be the source of peace or of bitterness to the soul. If they drive us to Christ, we may hope that they are from heaven for our |