Is any Student tearing his Straw in piece-meal, fwearing and blafpheming, biting his Grate, foming at the Mouth, and emptying his Pifs-pot in the SpeEtators Faces? Let the Right Worshipful the Commiffioners of Inspection give him a Regiment of Dragoons, and fend him into Flanders among the rest. Is another eternally talking, fputtering, gaping, bawling, in a Sound without Period or Article? What wonderful Talents are here mislaid! Let him be furnished immediately with a green Bag and Papers, and three Pence in his Pocket, and away with him to Westminster-hall. You will find a third gravely taking the Dimenfions of his Kennel; a Person of Forefight and Infight, though kept quite in the dark; for why, like Mofes, ecce cornuta ‡ erat ejus facies. He walks duly in one Pace; intreats your Penny with due Gravity and Ceremony; talks much of hard Times, and Taxes, and the Whore of Babylon; bars up the wooden Window of his Cell conftantly at Eight o'Clock; dreams of Fire, and Shop-lifters, and Court-cuftomers, and privileged Places. Now, what a Figure would all thefe Acquirements amount to, if the Owner were fent into the City among his Brethren! Behold a fourth, in much and deep Converfation with himself; biting his Thumbs at proper Junctures; his Countenance chequered with Bufinefs and Defign; fometimes walking very fast, with his Eyes nailed to a Paper that he holds in his Hands; a great Saver of Time; fomewhat thick of Hearing; very fhort of Sight, but more of Memory; a Man ever in Hafte, a great Hatcher and Breeder of Bufinefs, and excellent at the famous Art of whispering nothing; a huge Idolater of Monofyllables and Procraftination; fo ready to give his Word to every Body, that he never keeps it; one that has forgot the common Meaning of Words, but an admirable Re

[A Lawyer's Coach-hire.]

Cornutus is either horned or fhining; and by this Term Mofes is defcribed in the vulgar Latin of the Bible.

tainer

tainer of the Sound; extremely fubject to the Loofe nefs, for his Occafions are perpetually calling him away. If you approach his Grate in his familiar Intervals, Sir, (fays he), give me a Penny, and. I'll fing you "a Song; but give me the Penny firft." (Hence comes the common Saying, and commoner Practice, of parting with Money for a Song.) What a com→, pleat Syftem of Court Skill is here defcribed in every Branch of it, and all utterly loft with wrong Application? Accoft the Hole of another Kennel, first. ftopping your Nofe, you will behold a furly, gloomy,. nafty, flovenly Mortal, raking in his own Dung, and dabling in his Urine. The beft Part of his Diet,. is the Reverfion of his own Ordure; which expiring into Steams, whirls perpetually about, and at last. reinfunds. His Complexion is of a dirty yellow,. with a thin fcattered. Beard, exactly agreeable to that of his Diet, upon its firft Declination; like other Infects, who having their Birth and Education in an Excrement, from thence borrow their Colour. and their Smell. The Student of this Apartment is. very sparing of his Words, but fomewhat over liberal of his Breath; he holds his Hand out ready to receive your Penny, and, immediately upon Receipt,. withdraws to his former Occupations. Now, is it. not amazing, to think, the Society of Warwick-lane fhould have no more. Concern, for the Recovery of fo useful a Member, who, if one may judge from. thefe Appearances, would become the greatest Ornament to that illuftrious Body? Another Student ftruts up fiercely to your Teeth, puffing with his Lips, half fqueezing out his Eyes, and very graciously holds you out his Hand to kifs. The Keeper defires you not to be afraid of this Profeffor, for he will do you no Hurt. To him alone is allowed the Liberty of the Antichamber; and the Orator of the Place gives you to understand, that this folemn Perfon is a Taylor, run mad with Pride. This confiderable Stu dent is adorned with many other Qualities, upon K. 2. which,

which, at prefent, I fhall not farther enlarge.

Hark in your Ear †

I am

ftrangely mistaken, if all his Addrefs, his Motions, and his Airs, would not then be very natural, and in their proper Element.

the

I fhall not defcend fo minutely as to infift upon vaft Number of Beaux, Fidlers, Poets, and Politicians, that the World might recover by fuch a Reformation. But what is more material, befides the clear Gain redounding to the Commonwealth, by fo large an Acquifition of Perfons to employ, whofe Talents and Acquirements, if I may be fo bold to affirm it, are now buried, or at least misapplied; it would be a mighty Advantage accruing to the Publick from this Inquiry, that all thefe would very much excel, and arrive at great Perfection in their feveral Kinds; which, I think, is manifeft from what I have already fhewn; and fhall inforce by this one plain Inftance, That even I myself, the Author of thefe momentuous Truths, am, a Person, whofe Imaginations are hard-mouthed, and exceedingly difpofed to run away with his Reason, which F have obferved from long Experience, to be a very light Rider, and eafily fhook off: Upon which account my Friends will never truft me alone, without a folemn Promife, to vent my Speculations in this, or the like Manner, for the universal Benefit of human Kind; which, perhaps, the gentle, courteous, and candid Reader, brimful of that modern Charity and Tenderness ufually annexed to his Office, will be very hardly perfuaded to believe.

+ I cannot conjecture what the Author means here, or how this Chafm could be filled, though it is capable of more than one Interpretation.

SECT.

SECT. X.

T

A Tale of a TUB.

T is an unanswerable Argument of a very refined Age, the wonderful Civilities that have paffed of late Years between the Nation of Authors, and that of Readers. There can hardly pop out a Play, a Pamphlet, or a Poem, without a Preface full of Acknowledgments to the World, for the general Reception and Applause they have given it; which the Lord knows where, or when, or how, or from whom it received *. In due Deference to fo laudable a Custom, I do here return my humble Thanks to his' Majefty, and both Houses of Parliament; to the Lords of the King's Moft Honourable Privy Council; to the Reverend the Judges; to the Clergy, and Gentry, and Yeomanry of this Land; but, in a more especial Manner, to my worthy Brethren and Friends at Will's Coffee-houfe,and Gresham-college, and Warwick-lane, and Moor-fields, and Scotland-yard, andWestminster-hail, and. Guild-hall; in fhort, to all Inhabitants and Retainers whatsoever, either in Court, or Church, or Camp, or City, or Country, for their generous and univerfal Acceptance of this divine Treatife. I accept their Approbation and good Opinion with extreme Gratitude; and, to the utmoft of my poor Capaci-. ty, fhall take hold of all Opportunities to return the Obligation.

I am also happy; that Fate has flung me into fo bleffed an Age for the mutual Felicity of Bookfellers and Authors, whom I may fafely affirm to be at this Day the two only fatisfied Parties in England. an Author how his laft Piece has fucceeded: "Why,' GS. truly, he thanks his Stars, the World has been ve

Afk'

* This is literally true, as we may obferve in the Prefa ees to moft Plays, Poems, &c.

"ry favourable, and he has not the least Reason to complain. And yet, by G-, he writ it in a Week "at Bits and Starts, when he could steal an Hour "from his urgent Affairs;" as it is a hundred to one, you may fee farther in the Preface, to which he refers you; and for the reft, to the Bookfeller. There you go as a Customer, and make the fame Question: "He bleffes his God, the Thing takes "wonderfully; he is juft printing a fecond Edition, " and has but Three left in his Shop." You beat down the Price : “Sir, we shall not differ;" and in hopes of your Custom another Time, lets you have it as reasonable as you pleafe; "and, pray send "as many of your Acquaintances as you will, I fhall upon your Account furnish them all at the fame "Rate."

66

Now, it is not well enough confidered, to what Accidents and Occafions the World is indebted for the greatest Part of thofe noble Writings which hourly ftart up to entertain it. If it were not for a rainy Day, a drunken Vigil, a Fit of the Spleen, a Course of Phyfick, a fleepy Sunday, an ill run at Dice, a long Taylor's Bill, a Beggar's Purse, a factious Head, a hot Sun, caftive Diet, Want of Books, and a juft Contempt of Learning; but for thefe Events, I fay, and fome others too long to recite, (efpecially a prudent Neglect of taking Brimftone inwardly), I doubt, the Number of Authors, and of Writings, would dwindle away to a Degree most woeful to behold. To confirm this Opinion, hear the Words of the famous Troglodyte Philofopher. ""Tis certain (faid he) fome "Grains of Folly are of Course annexed as Part of "the Compofition of human Nature; only the " Choice is left us, whether we please to wear them "inlaid or imbossed: And we need not go very far "to feek how that is ufually determined, when we "remember, it is with human Faculties as with Liquors, the lighteft will be ever at the Top."

66

THERE is in this famous. Ifland of Britain, a certain paltry Scribler, very voluminous, whofe Cha

Facter