PREFACE.

HE wits of the prefent age being fo very numerous and penetrating, it feems, the grandees of church and state begin to fall under horrible apprehenfions, left these gentlemen, during the intervals of a long peace, fhould find leifure to pick holes in the weak fides of religion and government. To prevent which, there has been much thought employed of late upon certain projects for taking off the force and edge of those formidable enquirers, from canvaffing and reafoning upon fuch delicate points. They have at length fixed upon one, which will require fome time as well as coft to perfect. Mean while, the danger hourly encreafing by new levies of wits all appointed (as there is reafon to fear) with pen, ink, and paper, which may at an hour's warning be drawn out into pamphlets, and other offenfive weapons, ready for immediate execution; it was judged of abfolute neceffity, that fome prefent expedient be thought on, till the main defign can be brought to maturity. To this end, at a grand committee fome days ago, this important discovery was made by a certain curious and refined obferver, That feamen have a custom, when they meet a ruhale, to fling him out an empty tub by way of amufement, to divert him from laying violent hands upon the fhip. This parable was immediately mythologisfed: the whale was interpreted to be Hobbes's Leviathan, which toffes and plays with all schemes of religion and government, whereof a great many are hollow, and dry, and empty, and noify, and wooden, and given to rotation: this is the leviathan, from whence the terrible wits of our age are faid to borrow their weapons. The hip in danger is easily understood to be its old antitype the commonwealth. But how to analyse the tab was a matter of dif

ficulty:

ficulty: when, after long enquiry and debate, the literal meaning was preferved; and it was decreed, that, in order to prevent thefe leviathans from toffing and fporting with the commonwealth, which of itself is too apt to fluctuate, they should be diverted from that game by a Tale of a Tub. And, my genius being conceived to lie not unhappily that way, I had the honour done me to be engaged in the performance.

This is the fole design in publishing the following treatife, which I hope will ferve for an interim of fome months to employ thofe unquiet fpirits, till the perfecting of that great work; into the fecret of which, it is reasonable the courteous reader fhould have fome little light.

It is intended, that a large academy be erected, capable of containing nine thousand feven hundred forty and three perfons: which by modeft computation is reckoned to be pretty near the current number of wits in this ifland. These are to be difpofed into the feveral schools of this academy, and there purfue thofe ftudies to which their genius moft inclines them. The undertaker himself will publifh his propofals with all conve nient fpeed, to which I fhall refer the curious reader for a more particular account, mentioning at prefent only a few of the principal fchools: there is, firft, a large pederastic school, with French and Italian masters. There is, alfo, the Spelling fchool, a very spacious building: the school of looking-glaffes: the school of fearing: the fchool of criticks: the fchool of falivation: the fchool of hobby-horses: the fchool of poetry: the fchool of zops: the fchool of Spleen: the school of gaming: with many others, too tedious to recount. No perfon to be admitted member into any of these schools without an atteftation under two fufficient perfons hands, certifying him to be a wit.

*This I think the author fhould have omitted, it being of the very fame nature with the fchool of bobby-borfes, if one may

venture to cenfure one, who is fo fevere a cenfurer of others, perhaps with too little distinction.

But

*

But to return: I am fufficiently inftructed in the principal duty of a preface, if my genius were capable of arriving at it. Thrice have I forced my imagination to make the tour of my invention, and thrice it has returned empty; the latter having been wholly drained by the following treatife. Not fo my more fuc cefsful brethren the moderns, who will by no means let flip a preface or dedication, without fome notable diftinguishing ftroke to furprise the reader at the entry, and Kindle a wonderful expectation of what is to enfue. Such was that of a moft ingenious poet, who, folliciting his brain for fomething new, compared himself to the bangman, and his patron to the patient: this was infigne, recens, indictum ore alio. When I went through that neceffary and noble † courfe of study, I had the happinefs to obferve many fuch egregious touches, which I fhall not injure the authors by tranfplanting: becaufe I have remarked, that nothing is fo very tender as a medern piece of wit, and which is apt to fuffer fo much in the carriage. Some things are extremely witty to-day, or fafting, or in this place, or at eight a clock, or over a bottle, or spoke by Mr. Whatd'y'call'm, or in a fummer's morning any of the which, by the fmalleft tranfpofal or mifapplication, is utterly annihilate. Thus, wit has its walks and purlieus, out of which it may not fray the breadth of an hair, upon peril of being loft. The moderns have artfully fixed this mercury, and reduced it to the circumftances of time, place, and perfon. Such a jeft there is, that will not pafs out of Covent-Garden } and fuch a one, that is no-where intelligible but at Hyde Park-Corner. Now, though it fometimes tenderly affects me to confider, that all the towardly paffages I fhall deliver in the following treatife will grow quite out of date and relish with the firft fhifting of the prefent scene, yet I must needs fubfcribe to the juftice of this proceeding; because I cannot imagine why we

fhould be at expence to furnish wit for fucceeding ages, when the former have made no fort of provifion for ours: wherein I speak the sentiment of the very neweft, and confequently the moft orthodox refiners, as well as my own. However, being extremely follicitous, that every accomplished perfon, who has got into the tafte of wit calculated for this prefent month of August, 1697, fhould defcend to the very bottom of all the Sublime throughout this treatise; I hold fit to lay down this general maxim, Whatever reader defires to have a thorough comprehenfion of an author's thoughts, cannot take a a better method, than by putting himself into the circumftances and postures of life that the writer was in upon every important paffage, as it flowed from his pen : for this will introduce a parity and ftrict correspondence of ideas between the reader and the author. Now, to aflift the diligent reader in fo delicate an affair, as far as brevity will permit, I have recollected, that the fhrewdeft pieces of this treatise were conceived in bed, in a garret at other times, for a reason best known to myself, I thought fit to fharpen my invention with hunger; and, in general, the whole work was begun, continued, and ended, under a long courfe of phyfick, and a great want of money. Now, I do affirm, it will be abfolutely impoffible for the candid perufer to go along with me in a great many bright paffages, unless, upon the several difficulties emergent, he will please to capacitate and prepare himself by thefe directions. And this I lay down as my principal poftulatum.

Because I have profeffed to be a moft devoted fervant of all modern forms, I apprehend fome curious wit may object against me, for proceeding thus far in a preface without declaiming, according to the cuftom, against the multitude of writers, whereof the whole multitude of writers most reasonably complain. I am just come from perufing fome hundreds of prefaces, wherein the authors do at the very beginning addrefs the gentle reader concerning this enormous grievance. Of thefe I have preferved a few examples, and fhall fet them down

down as near as my memory has been able to retain them.

One begins thus ;

For a man to fet up for a writer, when the prefs fwarms with, &c.

Another;

The tax upon paper does not leffen the number of fcribblers, who daily pefter, &c.

Another;

When every little would-be-wit takes pen in hand, 'ris in vain to enter the lifts, &c.

Another;

To obferve what trash the press swarms with, &c.

Another ;

Sir, It is merely in obedience to your commands, that I venture into the public; for who upon a less confideration would be of a party with fuch a rabble of fcribblers, &c.

Now, I have two words in my own defence against this objection. First, I am far from granting the number of writers a nuifance to our nation, having ftrenuoufly maintained the contrary in feveral parts of the following difcourfe. Secondly, I do not well understand the juftice of this proceeding; because I obferve many of these polite prefaces to be not only from the fame hand, but from those who are most voluminous in their feveral productions. Upon which, I fhall tell the reader a fhort tale :

A mountebank, in Leicester-Fields, had drawn a huge affembly about him. Among the reft, a fat unwieldy fellow, half ftifled in the prefs, would be every fit crying out, Lord! what a filthy croud is here! pray, good

people,