But what he said I cannot tell, For I understand it not. Now when the clock struck half-past nine, The cyder-cup he knows hath come, The unbreakfasted he scratched his head How wretched 'twas to hear; And still spake on that lantern-jaw'd, The lecturer whose legs are long, Is gone; and now the unbreakfasted But he turned away like one who's starved, A sadder and a hungrier man, The Man in the Moon. Volume II. 1847. THE RHIME OF THE SEEDY BARRISTERE, PART I. IT is a seedy Barristere, And he barreth the way so free- "The Commons' doors are open'd wide, He showeth me his empty bag- I sat me down beside the door- As thus spake on that mouldy man, "The kites were flown, the bubbles blown, "The Stag comes out-' over the left; The men with cash, by dealings rash, "Higher and higher every day He'd made me wait-I was too late ; And now November came, the Law "Thro' day and dark the sleepy clerk Must toil and moil with care and cark; Lithographers, with fingers stark, Must never go to bed. The time flies fast, the Plans at last "And now, to sift the monstrous drift, And they must hear each councillere "With weary head, from A to Z- The members sat, to be argued at, While counsel roared, and joked, and bored, "Ten guas. per day, and ten briefs alway, Unto my share there came; One half, I knew, I could not do, 66 But I took them all the same. "And I grew rich, and behaved as sich, And never the tide did drop, And the duns had flown that I once had known On my staircase for hours to stop. "And my lanky bag did swell and swag I new curled my wig, and in letters big "Twelve briefs one day on my table lay, With heavy retainers on each, When a knock at the door ushered in one more, My attention to beseech." "Now save thee, seedy Barristere, And send thee quick relief! Why look'st thou so?" 66 'Ah, shame and woe! I did refuse that brief! " PART II. "The Market now grew rather stiff, And shares not quite so free; Many Directors went abroad, And many an Allottee. "And briefs fell slaek, and no more at our back The agents in crowds did follow, Nor ten times a day, with papers or pay, Came to the Barrister's hollo! "I had done what was quite irregular, And it would work them grief, For all averred that the worst had occurred 'Ah, wretch!' said they, 'to turn away The fee upon a brief!' "The Panic grew, the bills came due, Directors crossed the sea; Who knows which first of the bubbles burst? They went, and so did we. "Down dropt our work, our fees dropt down : 'Twas bad as bad could be ; Not once a week had we to speak "All in the hot Committee-rooms The Barristeres, at noon Must yawn, and linger round the doors, Or thro' the lobbies moon. "Day after day we pined away, So idle you've no notion; "Business, business, everywhere "Yea, even young men just called-oh dear, That such things e'er should be!— By mere half-guinea motions made "About, about, in busy rout, Attorneys and Q.C.'s, Within our sight were paying down Ah! well a-day! what evil looks Had I from old and young! And, for starched kerchief, the rejected brief About my neck was hung. "Farewell, farewell; but this I tellAs sure as there thou'rt set, He best shall thrive who most shall strive To keep all he can get. "He fareth best, who loveth best All fees, both great and small; For the Bench declares that the etiquette "My business calls I've work to do Which I would fain begin; My House is met, a question set That I've an interest in." He holds him with his eager hand : "I rise to move," quoth he"Move off! unhand me, long beard loon !" Eftsoons his hand dropt he. He holds him with his vacant eye, Spell-bound JOHN BULL stands still : And listen's like a gaping child : The orator hath his will. (Six verses omitted.) Punch (1849) on Thomas C. Anstey, M. P. for Youghal, the "Prolix orator," THE RIME OF THE ANCIENT ALDERMAN. PART I. IT is an Ancient Alderman, And he stopped one of three ; "The Adelphi doors have open'd long, He holds him with his gouty hand, He holds him by the glittering guard, The Stunning Swell against a lamp And thus gasp'd on that Alderman, With brevity of breath. "The Mayor appear'd, the barge was steer'd, Merrily we did drop,- The Alderman, in City barge, — Along on our Swan-Hop. "At the Blackfriars we did embark, Where gapes the mighty sewer. Mellon hath mounted on his stool, Four Roberts now the Swell must pay, Or wait for the half-price. 66 'We pulled-at least the rowers didBang through the Bridges three, And Lambeth Reach, and Chelsea Reach, We pass'd full merrily. "And then the hour of lunch was come, Our appetites wax'd strong, We eat and drank, and drank and eat; "We drank and eat, we eat and drank, Till full was every sinner; And then we thought we'd go on deck, While Staples laid the dinner. "We lean'd along the barge's seats, Or o'er the bulwarks bent; We said it was a jolly world, And folks should be content. "We said it was a jolly world, And everybody stated That what we read of want and wrong Was much exaggerated, "That on the whole we really thought Things went uncommon wellWhen the Remembrancer bawled out, 'Gog! what a hawful smell.' "The Mayor he started to his feet, Out of his lordly doze, And ramm'd his scented handkerchief Close up unto his nose. "And as the smell came foully round, We gasp'd and spit, and swore; Such an abominable stench We'd never smelt before. "And after comments fierce and fast "The river it was yellow mud, "Dead dogs rotund, and garbage vile, And slime, and scum, and muck; Clung round as in a fœtid lake, And oozed, and stank, and stuck. "And in the mess a drowning cat Mid seven drown'd kittens sprawl'd, And her great eyes stared wildly out. And piteously she squall'd. "There was a blunderbuss on board-" "Old Cock, what are you at— Are you not well?" "O gentle Swell, I took and shot the cat. PART II. WE pull'd-at least the rowers did,- "There ran the river pure and bright, And all bad odours were forgot In my Lord Mayor's good wine. "We eat and drank, and drank and eat Back in our chairs we leant; We said it was a jolly world, And folks should be content. "We own'd the Thames's scent was strong, And said the labouring classes Who lived beside and drank the tide "For why not move, as we had done, And why not drink the sort of lush We eat and drank, we drank and eat, "In at the cabin window glared, And instant every Alderman Fell down beside his chair. "And there we sat upon the floor, Unable for to rise. While, gazing in malicious sort, Glared down that Cat's green eyes. "And greener grew those fiendly orbs, (Ay, greener than green fat), As, twixt a mew and screech we heard'Who was it Shot the Cat?' PART III. "FLOATING, floating, down the Thames, Upon our backward way, All sorts of foul and nasty things Did seek our course to stay. "At every window in they look'd To tell you of their hideous forms "They were the Vermin of the stream The filthy stream that is at once "And as they crawl'd, and crept, and writhed, We heard this awful ditty 'The Vermin of the Thames salute The Fathers of the City!' PART IV. "A DREAM, a dream, a pleasant dream. I stood at Westminster, And saw a bran-new, span-new bridge Bestride a river clear. "The wave it was as crystal bright, You saw white sand below, And flounders, gudgeon, tench, and dace, "The jolly salmon heaved his jowl, Or to the ocean wave. "And terraced gardens there displayed "And artisans (their labour done) With pots, and pipes, and wives, "And thus outspoke a gentle voice- PART V. "IT's deuced interesting," quoth "And if you'll take a fellah's hint, You, and your Mayor, and crew; The work you say your dream described, "And when the sewers are quite complete, "Now au revoir-the boxkeeper, With the half-price board comes; Vanish'd the Swell: the Alderman SHIRLEY BROOKS. 1855. THE ANCIENT MARINER; or, The Deceived Husband. IT was an ancient mariner Who a party stopp'd of three (A father and his children twain): "Wilt sail to-day?" quoth he. "Besides, when out upon the waves, "And you'll be back by half-past four, "You promised, Pa, we'd have a sail," And, oh! he thought how sick he'd be, The sun was high, the wind was low, These words rang in the father's ears, And now they're launch'd upon the deep, The yacht, like any witch, Skimm'd o'er the foam at first, and then She pitched up, she pitched down, With cheery voice the mariner Kept pointing out the view; The father heeded not his words, For Ocean claimed his due. He heard his children playing round, He had not strength to punch his head, The words were true, and he did feel And worst of all, the while he paid A voice kept ringing in his ear: "Turn, mariner, I pray you, turn!" His cruel offsprings then began To laugh at their papa ; Quoth they, "It's five and after-won't You catch it, Pa, from Ma!" "Turn, mariner, I pray you, turn! Our course let homeward be; Your guerdon shall be doubled if We are in time for tea!" The mariner he smiled a smileNay, more, he grinned a grinHe said (he was a vulgar man), Fork over, then, the tin !" The wretched father heaved a sigh, The boatman turned to shore.. They reach the land, the clocks struck sixWhat vision does he see? It was the wife awaiting him Who came too late for tea. What happened when they reached their home ANONYMOUS. CLASSICAL VERSUS MODERN. It was an ancient pedagogue* And he stopped me (one of three)'To Classic or to Modern side Go'st thou?' said he to me. By thy long Problems and Theorems He held me with his skinny hand : I sat me just outside, the Gymn, "Arithmetic, and my good book An accurate mind will bless your age- I slowly raised my head, eftsoons My aged friend, does your book boast Is it not plain without your aid In length, as against one short 'un? "Is it not clear that in working a 'sum,' With figures enough to frighten, That of all the ansers who solve the thing One answer alone is the right 'un. The ship was cheered, the harbour cleared, I'd reported myself to the skipper bold, Higher and higher every day, In the main top-mast at noon(The wedding guest here beat his breast), Sat the skipper's pet baboon. Heaven help thee ancient mariner ! How got you into the scrape?" How did it occur? With my pea-shooter, I slaughtered the skipper's ape." Shiver my spars, what looks had I From the skipper of whom I've sung; Alone, alone all, all alone, Alone on a wide, wide sea, For they set me afloat in a little boat, The ghost of the ape appeared in the stern, It fixed on me its stony eyes That in the moon did glitter. Oh, save me, save me, holy man, The mariner whose eye is bright, Tom Hood's Comic Annual, 1870. W. J. WIEGAND, THE RIME OF THE MODERN SHIPOWNER. IT is a drowned mariner, And he stoppeth an M.P. * Leckhampton Hill, near Cheltenham. |