، and preffed exceedingly by them, | to difclofe my temptations, as the best method of oppofing them, I complied, and found great relief. Nor did I after this find that degree of defpair in my mind, nor of rage and boiling oppofition of heart to God, and the goodness and happiness of others, which I had before ex'perienced-tho' I was yet for a long time in great diftrefs of mind. But my diftrefs now, arofe not 'fo much from feeling direct enmity towards God, as from viewing myself as one of the greatest of finners, in having thus refifted the ftrivings of his Spirit, and an apprehenfion that I must have my portion with the fearful and unbelieving, which I was fatisfied • would be just. a happiness in meditating on the 'character of God, and in the thought that I am in his hands, and that all things are at his wife 'difpofal. And tho' for the most. part I derive a hope in his mercy through Jefus Chrift, yet I am 'fenfible that in myfelf I am infinitely unworthy and ill-deferving: And that it would be perfectly juft and righteous in God to caft 'me off. And if this fhould be my portion, and it should finally appear that I had been left, for my great wickedness, to deceive 'myself with a falfe hope, I could have nothing to fay.' Upon being asked what his prefent feelings were, towards carelefs, impenitent finners, he replied, I feel that they are to be pitied. It 'feems when I reflect upon it, as if I could not bear the thought ' of any one's going on, and final 'tafted. An eternity of fuch dif'trefs and torment as I experien'ced for a time in my breast, by a 'view of the divine character, and 'the happiness of others in ferving God, would be intolerably dread• ful.' I continued in this ftate of mind, from the forepart of Auguft 'till the latter part of Sep. temper or beginning of October. About this time I began to entertain fome hope that I was reconciled to God. I thought I could take pleature in meditatingly fuffering fuch a hell as I have ' on the divine character, and thofe truths and doctrines of the gof'pel which had once been fo painful. It appeared that all God's ways were right and all his requirements reafonable; and that it would be the greatest happiness to be able to ferve him. Soon after I heard a Sermon from the words, "My grace is fufficient for thee." It was a text and fubject which came with great power and comfort upon my mind, and it appeared now more than C ever, to be reasonable and defirable, to fubmit myself into the hand of God, to be difpofed of by him as he pleafes.' Upon being asked whether he could fix upon any particular time in which he was renewed and hum With refpect to the dreadful degree of enmity, terror and defpair, which this perfon was the fubject of according to his account, I would remark, that his appearance, at the time, was fuch as abundant. ly confirms it. It appeared to his friends, in the time, that if his fenfe of guilt and danger should be encreased or continued much longer, and his heart remain unhumbled, he could not live. They trembled left they fhould fee in him the awful example of a finner mon attention in the Society, my 'conviction and diftrefs of mind greatly encreafed. I had a clear 'fenfe of my fin and guilt, and ex plunging into death and eternal ri Another perfon, a youth, heart againft God, and against 'the doctrines of the gofpel which ' I heard preached. I was con'vinced of their truth and yet ha 'ted them.-Often when I have heard them held up with plainnefs, | in the houfe of God, on the fabbath, I have wifhed that I could be abfent. To be obliged to fit and hear things fo difgufting, and yet which I knew were the truth, was exceedingly painful. The bible alfo, was to me a moft painful and odious book. I corid 'not endure to read it-every page appeared to be against me. While in this fituation I looked on every My advantages have been great fide for relief-I Aed to every And I have often thing for refuge, but to God.had fome concern of mind re- For a time I ftrove hard to dif fpecting religion; but nothing believe the doctrines of the no very special, 'till the time of the pel. I fearched diligen ly to find religious attention in this fociety arguments against them-parties four or five years ago. I was larly the doctrine of the endif then confiderably impreffed-but future punishment of the wicked. my concern foon left me in a great I listened to the arguments of the meafare, and I lived in a state of 'Univerfalits-I endeavored to • carclefsnefsand ftupidity, 'till the perfuade myself that God was beginning of the fall 1798. A-fuch a merciful being that he not 'from a child. bout this time a folemn providence ⚫ was made a mean of alarming me, er would punifh any of mankind, or at leaft, not with endless pr ifhment-whatever might be ther treatment of him, and of L's 'Son, in this life. But all was in vain the fcriptures were decifive and I was obliged to admit the 16 a fafe ftate, and was much re-neceffity of religion, and an lieved. But foon I became con- tereft in Chrift, in order to ary vinced that I was fill in the gall true peace in this, or arether * of bitterness and bond of iniqui- world. Accordingly I fet myty; and that my hope had been felf very earneftly, as I though, without any juft foundation. My to obtain it-labored hard to make anxiety therefore returned, and my heart better, and to TCCGR continued more or lefs 'till the mend myself to the Saviour.. • winter following. In February, But finding all attempts this before any appearance of uncom-kind fail-and that the cygoluca . a 6 ftrivings I had had no fincerity or regard to God-but had been actuated in every thing by perfect selfishness :-That all my cries to 'God had been mere mockery flowing from a heart totally oppofed to him:-That in every pray er I had made for the Holy Spirit, God had feen that it was not from the heart, but that my heart and words were at perfect vari'ance. Never before, had I fuck an idea of the plague of my heart of my heart continued, I filed | for refuge to Antinomianifm. I thought it must be impoffible for finner to love God, as long as he fuppofed that his fins were not forgiven, and that God was his enemy. I therefore endeavored to think that Chrift had died for 'me in particular, and that my fins • were all pardoned-hoping that if "I could perfuade myself of this, it would give me peace, and be ⚫ unto me according to my faith ' or as I now view it, my vain felfer of the fenfible enmity aflattery. But I was not fuffered 'to wrap myself up in this delu'fion. I next attempted to perfuade myself that there was no fuch thing as free moral agency, or accountability-nor any diffrom fleep my distress and anguish ⚫tinction between virtue and vice* but that mankind were mere ma'chines, actuated by a blind and fatal neceffity. But I was unable to reafon myself into a belief of this. I had a confcioufnefs of fin and guilt which I could not gainst God, which an awakened 'finner may be the fubject of. My 'distress was now fuch that I tho't 'I could not endure it. I flept 'but little, and whenever I awoke come upon me in a moment. I used to think that if I could but be relieved for a few moments, it would be more tolerable. But I had no relief and what added exceedingly to my distress was the thought that it would proba ever. But notwithstanding all my diftrefs, yet I'greatly dreaded the tho't of falling back into my former ftupidity-being convinced that if I was given up to careleffnefs I fhould perifh, and that the light and conviction I had refifted would greatly aggravate my condemnation. throw off-I felt my defert ofbly not only be constant, but for mifery and of the perfect reafonableness of my being required to 'give my heart to God. My heart however was still oppofed-his character and conduct I did not love-especially his leaving me in 'this fituation when he was able to deliver me, and did deliver others and give them hope and ⚫ comfort; and whenever I heard of any particular inftance of this it caufed the oppofition of my heart to rife very high. I was told that I muft fubmit. I attempted to do it-and to flatter 'myself that I did fubmit-but my 'fubmiffion would last no longer 'than 'till the character of God came clearly into view again : After continuing a while in this ftate, doubts began to rife in my mind refpecting the divinity of the fcriptures-I queftioned whether the bible was the word of God, and I even fometimes harbored the tho't that there was no God! This, when I came to reflect upon it, if poffible, in After thefe things I had a live-creased my distress. I viewed it ly fenfe of the hypocrify I had been guilty of in every thing I had been doing. That in all my VOL. I. No. 11. Fff an evidence that I was left of God-and that I was about to be given up to delusion ta bëlieve a lie. I now began to despair of ever being bro't to repentanceand for a confiderable time, except at intervals, I chose death " rather than to continue in life. 'I thought there was no happiness for me in this world, nor in the "next—and that the longer I lived the more intolerable would be my future mifery. In these ' dreadful moments of defpair, the moft fhocking temptations would 'rush upon me to destroy myself but thro' the mercy of God I 'was preferved from a compliance ' with them. While under thefe temptations, ' and during all the time of my 'greatest diftrefs, I was very careful to conceal my feelings and 'exercifes. For this purpofe, I kept much alone, and endeavored to avoid converfation as 'much as poffible. I felt afhamed and afraid to let the ftate of my 'mind be known-judging from my own former views and feelings refpecting fuch things, that were I to relate what I experienced, no perfon would credit me; and that I fhould be confidered, ' either as delirious, or difpofed to ' deceive. I am now fully convin'ced that my conduct in this ref It was feveral months after I began to be delivered from that despair and peculiar diftrefs which I have mentioned, before I entertained a hope that the enmity of my heart was fubdued. 'I fix not on any particular time when this took place, if ever. I am far from being confident refpecting myfelf-I know the heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked. Yet for the most part I entertain a hope, grounded upon the fubmiflion and peace, which, if I am not deceived, I fometimes find in contemplating the char acter of God aud the Saviour, and the truths and precious prom. 'ifes of his word, and in a defire to be conformed to his holy will.' I will fubjoin a brief account of another cafe, the particulars of which are taken chiefly from the perfon's own private writings, which had been penned for the help of memory foon after the events took place, and without the leaft expectation of their contents ever being made public. • Before the late awakening took place, I was exceedingly careless and ftupid refpecting the things of religion The vanities and pect, was unwife and injurious.amufements of youth abforbed Had I freely opened my mind to my whole attention. The reli fome perfon acquainted with thegious duties of the family, to exercises of finners under con which I attended that I might "viction, and the devices of Sa-not difpleafe my friends, were a 'tan to deftroy them, I might very burdenfome service. I used to think I would give any thing to live where I fhould not be cal led daily to attend family prayer. Yet I vainly tho't I approved of have been much relieved under * the despair and temptations I ex'perienced, and perhaps wholly prevented from falling into them. But God is wife in all he has per-religion, and had no idea that I 'mitted to take place. And he is infinitely merciful; or when I I was thus guilty of the heinous fin of despairing of his mercy, I fhould have been immediately ⚫ destroyed forever. was an enemy to God. It has fince appeared very furprifing to me that I could live as I then did from year to year, and yet not 'confider myself an enemy to God. But in the time of the late awakening, thro' the mercy of God, my eyes were opened on this fubject, and I faw myfelf to be dead in trefpaffes and fins. Upon a certain evening I fell in company with feveral young perfons, who had been ferioufly impreffed, and were greatly engaged, and apparently delight ed in converting upon religion and the wonderful work of God in the neighboring towns. While I fat and heard them I felt that I was very vile and finful-unworthy to be in their company, and incapable, with my prefent feelings, of enjoying it. to apply particularly to my cafe, and feemed as if addreffed to me, and made a very great impreffion on my mind. At the fame instant I imagined I faw fufpended in the air, a vifible reprefentation of the Lord Jefus Chrift upon the cross. Upon this I was filled with fuch joy that I could hardly refrain from crying out. I faw nothing very glorious or lovely in him, only as being a 'Saviour to deliver from punishment; and as fuch I tho't I re'ceived him, and rejoiced in him. O what reafon have I ever to 'adore the infinite goodness and mercy of God to me, a helldeferving finner, that he did not 'leave me, as I then was, to be deceived by the wickedness of my own heart, and the devices ' of Satan.* I continued ferious and tho't<ful thro' the next day. On the day following that, there was a public lecture. I attended and was powerfully impreffed with the truths which were delivered. Never, never did I hear a fermon till that day. Every word came with power, and was sharp'er than any two-edged fword. I 'was much affected and diftreffed thro' all the exercises; but when the congregation rose to go out, I felt fuch a load of fin and guilt, that I could not stand-and funk down upon the feat. After a "few moments I recovered myself and went out, but with a heavy heart. In the evening I attended another meeting. In the enced its pains. 'courfe of the exercifes, my impreffions and agitation greatly in' creafed. Never before did I feel 'fuch diftrefs and trembling. I The rapturous joy which I ' experienced at meeting continued after I returned, and was fo great as to banish fleep from my eyes a great part of the night. But 'the next day the scene was chan'ged. The diftress I endured in 'the exercise of enmity and heart-. 'knew not what to do nor how to efcape the penalty of the divine law. But as I had been taught 'that there was no falvation but by Jefus Chrift, I looked to him, as I tho't, to take my part against 'the divine law, and plead in my < behalf with the Father. While I was in this frame of mind, a 'pfalm was read which appeared rifings against God, was fuch as 'will never be effaced from my memory. Upon that dreadful day I was convinced that there was indeed a hell, for I experiO what dif 6 "Infinite goodness and mercy" indeed! It was a deliverance from a dangerous delufion-a narrow escape from deftruction by the devices of Satan. Doubtless thousands have been thus deluded and deftroyed. How cautious ought awakened finners to be, left in the diftrefs and agitation of their minds, they make fome fuch application to themselves, of a pfalm or text of fcripture, or yield to fome fuch im preffion upon the imagination, and thus fettle down upon a falfe hope. The laft ftate of fuch an one must be far worse than the first. |