ving the expediency of whiskers or no whiskers, corsets or no corsets, tight boots or easy ones.

THIRD: A laudable curiosity respecting the physical properties of the moon, more particularly when at its full.

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FOURTH Sentimental countenance, loss of appetite, and labored inspiration; but mainly, that defect of vision which clothes certain females with imaginary beauties of body or mind, and transforms defects into excellencies, and earthly into angelic beings. Upon this latter infirmity the whole superstructure rests: demolish this weakness, restore the natural vision, and the disease gives way.

As we have before observed, the most popular and efficacious eyewash for this purpose, is Marriage; and that we will now consider. By chemical analysis it has been discovered, that three parts of the subcarbonate of cooing, dissolved in six parts of the oil of flattery, forms the sugar of courtship; which being precipitated into the marriage service, produces the acid of matrimony. This is the true eye-wash, the moral strengthening-plaster: to render it accessible to all classes and capacities, with a third of the usual labor and expense, is one of the objects of the present treatise; and with a moderate attention to the rules here laid down, no one need despair of success.

Cooing and flattery, the raw materials of courtship, are not within the reach of all: we therefore propose to dispense with their aid, and introduce the same, or a superior quality of courtship, by a new and less expensive process.

The sugar of courtship is of many grades or qualities; but for the sake of simplicity, we shall confine our attention to the Poetical, the Sentimental, and the Fiery. And first of the Poetical.

The amount of capital necessary to carry on this branch with vigor, is very small; and on that account it recommends itself more particularly to the mechanic and laborer. Let the patient provide a stout cotton shirt-collar, eight inches in longitude and five and a half in latitude, one pound of starch and three pins. Mix starch in cold spring-water, and strain apply liquid to surface of collar and dry before slow fire; it is then fit for use. Take the pins and fasten collar round neck at its junction with the thorax; superior corners of collar should oscilate when walking. Hire thick volume of poems from library, find verses on love, and commit to memory; curl hair, open eyes wide, and visit lady. Pull up collar, roll eye-balls, open mouth, and repeat verses; care should be taken to state that they are original; drop on right knee, seize hand, and inquire day. If lady saysNo,' faint vigorously, and repeat as before if lady still obstinate, a pistol may be introduced with benefit: care should be taken that it is not loaded; bring down left knee, and tear hair if lady still declines, case desperate; vide infra. Desp. Cases, with remarks.

II. THE SENTIMENTAL. The preparation of this variety of courtship is attended with somewhat more expense, but is preferred by clerks and apprentices on the ground of gentility: it is neat and powerful.

If the patient is stout, let him deduct one pound per diem from amount of solid food, till reduced to six ounces; retire to rest at two o'clock, A. M., and rise at six; avoid water and drink gin; commencing with

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three glasses per diem, and gradually increasing until attaining eighteen. Persevere in this course of treatment until the patient, if an adult, weighs seventy-two pounds; if under seventeen, sixty pounds; then chalk face and diet on green apples. If on third day no uneasiness in region of stomach, abandon apples and try cucumbers with skins on: continue till unwell; lay on wet grass till cough exhibits itself; black boots, wash face, mount white cravat, and visit lady. Cough, sink lower jaw, and let cucumbers distort countenance: direct conversation to moon, misery and matrimony; eulogize coffins and consumption; mention tomb-stones and tortured hearts; accidentally knock sofa-cushion on floor and kneel on it; exhibit handkerchief, and wait till you feel cucumbers, when introduce remarks on sympathy and happiness, and proceed as in Poetical.

III. THE FIERY: This form of courtship is economical and wholesome, but requires a considerable degree of nervous excitability, and extensive cultivation of hair. An abundance of the latter raw material is in fact indispensable; and it would perhaps subserve the cause of matrimony to append a few approved recipes for promoting its growth. The following is recommended as elegant and efficacious: Take the ends of six cotton cords or strings, surrounded by a circular mass of adipose substance, from one-half to three-quarters of an inch in diameter, (usually known as candles,) and melt over slow fire; then infuse three ounces eau de rose, and stir gently: let compound boil till reduced one-third, and apply warm to roots of hair: it is very nourishing. Another Procure a fine shoulder of lamb, and roast; invite friends to soirée, and eat; take remnants and boil in spring water; as adipose particles rise, skim off into platter, and infuse one pint raccoon oil: apply as before.

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Another very rich. Take huile de mouton, huile de bœuf, and gum caoutchouc, each three pounds, and boil over slow fire; add common lamp-oil at pleasure; put compound into water-pail and patient's head into compound, and let it steep: when well saturated, dry with coarse towel and lay in sun; in course of two hours, hair will vegetate.

The patient having by these means procured a large and well-selected stock of hair, let him borrow red waistcoat, hire jewelry, take infusion equal quantities of brandy-and-water, and visit lady; look wild, unbutton straps, and proceed as in aggravated cases of Sentimental. If lady refuses, request temporary loan of dinner-knife: care should be taken to state distinctly that the object is suicidal: lady will refuse; if, however, she should acquiesce, (which is highly improbable without they have been recently cleaned,) allege dullness, and return. Tear hair out, on liberal scale, by roots; its precocious growth will favor this operation; state lady will have occasion to use it for mourning-rings shortly fall over chairs, knock down fire-irons, and retire.

Second Stage: Watch lady into chemist's soda-shop; rush in distractedly and inquire lowest price of arsenic per pound: ask particularly what physician does not keep a stomach-pump request information relative to cost of pine coffins without plates: here recognize lady, and rush out abruptly. If no communication from lady in course of forty-eight hours, loiter on bridge till toll-keeper's attention is attracted :

then roll eyes, and jump over railing into water. Care should be taken that the tide be ebb, and water not more than three feet deep: toll-keeper will give alarm, and rescue from unpleasant position. Return home and change clothes: write paragraphs for morning papers, stating that highly-respectable young gentleman, (here give name,) rashly endeavored to commit suicide by drowning; cause, disappointment in affair of heart; presence of mind in toll-keeper; melancholy results of coquetry. If experiment unsuccessful, case desperate: vide infra. tit. Desp. Cases.

We have thus briefly examined the three principal grades of courtship; there have been many others recently introduced into practice, but more for the sake of variety than any intrinsic excellence in themselves. Indeed, those we have here laid down and explained are, either in a pure and undiluted state, or by judicious combination, applicable to almost every case that may arise. An effective combination may be manufactured of three parts Poetical and one part Sentimental: a slight dash of Fiery gives body and vigor to the rest; but patients can mix at pleasure; and any of them, well applied, will seldom fail of success. There are, of course, cases upon record, which, either through unskilful treatment, or peculiar circumstances that could not be foreseen, have been pronounced desperate: though such contingencies are rare, yet we should leave our duty but half completed, did we not make some provision for their occurrence and ultimate cure. We shall therefore devote a brief space to the consideration of those desperate cases which have withstood the assaults of Poetry, Sentiment and Zeal, and compound a recipe for the restoration of perfect vision, in which the healing eye-wash of matrimony shall not enter.

The courses of medicine we recommend, are of two kinds: one acting upon the mental, the other upon the physical man: the former fallible, but the latter infallible. And first, of the mental or fallible.

If beauty had any thing to do with engendering the malady, discover lady's dentist, and ascertain state of her teeth; the probability is, they are not indigenous; if so, meditate on fact, and await result. If teeth genuine and mouth in good order, discover whether she thatches occiput ; whether her cheeks are painted, or her life insured. If all or any of these be the case, think on it; dream on it; write essays on it; and the cure is complete. But if no flaws be apparent, and love continues undimmed on patient's part, immediate resort must be had to the infallible panacea which we shall hereafter recommend.

If wealth be the load-stone, discover in what species of property lady's money is invested: if it be real estate, go to register-office and hunt up mortgages; if bank-stock, think of panics and failures; if chattels, real or personal, look through newspapers for fires and incendiaries; if in bonds and mortgages, put implicit faith in the general assertion that 'Riches take unto themselves wings and fly away.'

Much sound consolation can be derived from reflections of this nature; but for a thorough and radical cure, we must refer the afflicted to the Physical, or Infallible: Procure a stout rope, of hemp or tow, (if not readily at hand, a silk handkerchief may be substituted,) and an inch spike of wrought iron, or in absence of spike, a bed-post; adjust rope

or handkerchief round patient's neck, in form of slip-noose, and secure other end of rope or handkerchief to spike or bed-post: rope or handkerchief should be sufficiently short to allow patient's feet to swing clear of incumbrances. If medicine does not operate in course of one hour, continue drops till successful.

Another Prepare fish-chowder, and infuse six ounces white arsenic ; administer large quantities, and await result.

Another Plain but powerful: Take half-pint cold spring water and quarter-pint Prussic acid; mix, and sweeten with loaf sugar; administer draught to patient before each meal and on retiring to rest: at first omit every other day for one week; then take every day till cure is perfected.

Another Very cheap: Place leaky wash-tub under pump-nose, and fill; place patient's head in wash-tub and let that fill; by the time patient's head has absorbed all the water that has not leaked out, eure is complete. Lovers anxious to extend their inquiries upon this branch of medicine, can consult city coroner with advantage: vide Directory. We have thus presented a brief but practical synopsis of the malady of Love, and the most approved methods of modern treatment.

In the course of an extensive practice, we have been daily cognizant of many peculiarly aggravated cases, in which this system of medicine has been attended with the happiest results; and we can, with the ut most confidence, recommend it to the patronage of the masculine public. With a brief report of a desperate case which we subjected to fancy treatment, we shall close the present treatise:

'Called in April 7, 1844. Patient male; age nineteen; cheek flushed pulse feeble and irregular; appetite poor. Immediately amputed patient's left whisker, and right lobe of chin-undergrowth: prescribed a fishing excursion.

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APRIL 8: Patient stronger, but feverish: pulse full; low-spirited from loss of left whisker; amputated right one immediately; whereupon patient picked up pieces, and fainted. Exhibited a fumigation of tobacco, and prescribed goose diet.

APRIL 9 Patient much improved; but thought it expedient to amputate left lobe of chin-undergrowth, whereupon patient wept ; prescribed moderate exercise in open air, blue coat, bright buttons and green scarf: continued goose diet and increased fumigations two cigars.

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APRIL 10: Patient decidedly improved; reconciled to loss of whiskers and chin-undergrowth: caused him to examine Daguerreotype likeness of lady through piece of cracked window-glass, which excited wholesome disgust; exhibited six pounds steak, and brandy mixture; increased fumigations as before.

APRIL 11: Patient made light breakfast on cigars; wrote essay to prove women destitute of souls; and paid us our bill of fees: pronounced patient well.

'APRIL 16: Called in, in haste; patient saw lady at ball, and suffered relapse symptoms alarming; eyes green, tongue coated, and pockets empty found him perusing Plato on immortality of soul, and inclined to believe; the most energetic measures only would avail: immediately divided jugular vein and wrote obituary: patient discharged cured.

THE GALES OF SPRING.

BY CLAUDE HALCRO.

THE following lines were written after a spring visit to a friend who resided in Stamford Park, Canada, the well-known country residence of Sir PEREGRINE MAITLAND, while Governor of Upper Canada. The brilliant wild-flowers, the pine groves, and the balm-breathing winds of spring, are still its own at the proper season; but alas! it is in its decadence in other respects. The ornamental gilding of the once beautiful cottage drawing-room is tarnished, and the out-houses, lawns and shrubberies are falling to decay.'-NOTE TO THE EDITOR.