THE

PREFACE.

T

HE wits of the prefent age being fo very numerous and penetrating, it seems the grandees of Church and State begin to fall under horrible apprehenfions, left thefe gentlemen, during the intervals of a long peace, fhould find leisure to pick holes in the weak fides of religion and government. To prevent which, there has been much thought employed of late upon certain projects for taking off the force and edge of thofe formidable inquirers, from canvaffing and reafoning upon fuch delicate points. They have at length fixed upon one, which will require fome time as well as coft to perfect. Mean while the danger hourly increafing, by new levies of wits, all appointed (as there is reafon to fear), with pen, ink, and paper, which may, at an hour's warning, be drawn out into pamphlets, and other offenfive weapons, ready for immediate execution; it was judged of abfolute neceffity, that fome prefent expedient be thought on, till the main defign can be brought to maturity. To this end, at a grand committee, fome days ago, this important difcovery was made by a certain curious and refined obferver, that feamen have a custom, when they meet a whale, to fling him out an empty tub by way of amufement, to divert him from laying violent hands upon the fhip. This parable was immediately mythologised. The whale was interpreted to be Hobbes's Leviathan; which toffes and plays with all fchemes of religion and government, whereof a great many are hollow, and dry, and empty, and noify, and wooden, and given to rotation. This is the leviathan from whence the terrible wits of our age are faid to borrow their weapons. The Ship in danger is eafily understood to be its old antitype the commonwealth. But how to analyse the tub, was a

matter

matter of difficulty; when, after long inquiry and debate, the literal meaning was preserved: and it was decreed, that in order to prevent thefe leviathans from toffing and fporting with the commonwealth, which of itself is too apt to fluctuate, they should be diverted from that game by a Tale of a Tub. And my genius being conceived to ly not unhappily that way, I had the honour done me to be engaged in the performance.

THIS is the fole defign in publishing the following treatife; which, I hope, will ferve for an interim of fome months to employ thofe unquiet fpirits, till the perfecting of that great work into the fecret of which, it is reasonable the courteous reader fhould have fome little light.

Ir is intended that a large academy be erected, capable of containing nine thousand feven hundred forty and three perfons; which, by modeft computation, is reckoned to be pretty near the current number of wits in this ifland Thefe are to be difpofed into the several fchools of this academy, and there pursue thefe ftudies to which their genius moft inclines them. The undertaker himself will publish his proposals with all convenient speed; to which I fhall refer the curious reader for a more particular account, mentioning at prefent only a few of the principal fchools: there is, firft, a large Paderaftic fchool, with French and Italian masters: there is also the Spelling fchool, a very spacious building: the fchool of Looking glajes: the fchool of Swearing: the fchool of Critics: the fchool of Salivation: the fchool of Hobby- borfes: the fchool of Poetry: the fchool of Tops *: the fchool of Spleen: the fchool of Gaming: with many others too tedious to recount. No perfon to be admitted member into any of these schools, without an attestation under two fufficient perfons hands, certifying him to be a wit.

Bur to return: I am fufficiently inftructed in the principal duty of a preface, if my genius were capable of arriving

* This, I think, the Author should have omitted, it being of the very fame nature with the fchool of hobby-horses; if one may venture to cenfure one who is fo fevere a cenfurer of others, perhaps with too little distinction.

arriving at it. Thrice have I forced my imagination to make the tour of my invention, and thrice it has returned empty the latter having been wholly drained by the following treatife. Not fo my more fuccefsful brethren the moderns, who will by no means let flip a preface or dedication, without fome notable diftinguishing ftroke to furprise the reader at the entry, and kindle a wonderful expectation of what is to enfue. Such was that of a moft ingenious poet, who folliciting his brain for fomething new, compared himfelf to the hangman, and his patron to the patient. This was infigne, recens, indictum ore alio. When I went thro' that neceffary and noble course of study, I had the happiness to obferve many such egregious touches; which I fhall not injure the authors by tranfplanting; because I have remarked, that nothing is fo very tender as a modern piece of wit, and which is apt to fuffer fo much in the carriage. Some things are extremely witty; to-day, or fafting, or in this place, or at eight o'clock, or over a bottle, or Spoke by Mr. Whatd'y'call'm, or in a fummer's morning; any of the which, by the smallest tranfpofal or mifapplication, is utterly annihilate. Thus, wit has its walks and purlieus; out of which it may not stray the breadth of an hair, upon peril of being loft. The moderns have artfully fixed this mercury, and reduced it to the circumftances of time, place, and person. Such a jeft there is, that will not pass out of Covent-Garden; and fuch a one, that is no where intelligible but at Hyde-park corner. Now, tho' it fometimes tenderly affects me to confider, that all the towardly paffages I fhall deliver in the following treatise, will grow quite out of date and relish with the first fhifting of the prefent fcene; yet I must needs fubfcribe to the juftice of this proceeding; because I cannot imagine why we should be at expence to furnish wit for fucceeding ages, when the former have made no fort of provifion for ours: wherein I fpeak the fentiment of the very newest, and confequently the most orthodox refiners,

as

Hor. Something extraordinary new, and never hit upon

before.

[Reading Prefaces. &c.]

as well as my own. However, being extremely follicitous, that every accomplished person, who has got into the taste of wit calculated for this prefent month of Auguft, 1697, fhould defcend to the very bottom of all the Jublime throughout this treatise, I hold fit to lay down this general maxim: whatever reader defires to have a thorough comprehenfion of an author's thoughts, cannot take a better method, than by putting himself into the circumstances and poftures of life, that the writer was in upon every important paffage, as it flowed from his pen : for this will introduce à parity and ftrict correspondence of ideas between the reader and the author. Now, to affift the diligent reader in fo delicate an affair, as far as brevity will permit, I have recollected, that the fhrewdeft pieces of this treatise were conceived in bed, in a garret. At other times, for a reafon best known to myself, I thought fit to sharpen my invention with hunger: and in general, the whole work was begun, continued and ended, under a long course of phyfic, and a great want of money. Now, I do affirm, it will be abfolutely impoffible for the candid perufer to go along with me in a great many bright paffages, unless, upon the feveral difficulties emergent, he will please to capacitate and prepare himself by thefe directions. And this I lay down as my principal poftulatum.

BECAUSE I have professed to be a most devoted fervant of all modern forms, I apprehend fome curious wit may object against me, for proceeding thus far in a preface, without declaiming, according to the custom, against the multitude of writers, whereof the whole multitude of writers moft reasonably complain. I am juft come from perufing fome hundreds of prefaces, wherein the authors do at the very beginning addrefs the gentle reader concerning this enormous grievance. Of these I have preferved a few examples, and shall fet them down as near as my memory has been able to retain them.

One begins thus:

"For a man to fet up for a writer, when the prefs "fwarms with, &c."

Another :

Another :

"The tax upon paper does not lessen the number of "fcriblers, who daily pefter, &c."

Another :

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When every little Would-be-wit takes pen in hand, "'tis in vain to enter the lifts, &c."

Another :

"To observe what trash the press fwarms with, &c." Another :

"Sir, It is merely in obedience to your commands, "that I venture into the public: for who, upon a lefs confideration, would be of a party with fuch a rabble "of fcriblers? &c."

Now, I have two words in my own defence against this objection. First, I am far from granting the number of writers a nufance to our nation; having ftrenuously maintained the contrary in feveral parts of the following difcourfe. Secondly, I do not well understand the juftice of this proceeding; because I obferve many of these polite prefaces to be not only from the fame hand, but from those who are most voluminous in their feveral productions: upon which I fhall tell the reader a

fhort tale.

"A mountebank, in Leicester-fields, had drawn a huge "affembly about him. Among the reft, a fat unwieldy "fellow, half ftifled in the prefs, would be every fit crying out,-Lord! what a filthy crowd is here! Pray,

good people, give way a little. Blefs me! what a "devil has raked this rabble together! Zds, "what squeezing is this! Honeft friend, remove your "elbow.- -At laft a weaver, that stood next him, “could hold no longer.-A plague confound you, (faid he) for an overgrown floven; and who, (in the "devil's name), I wonder, helps to make up the crowd "half fo much as yourself? Don't you confider, (with

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a pox) that you take up more room with that carcafs "than any five here? Is not the place as free for us as "for you? Bring your own guts to a reasonable compafs, (and be d―n'd); and then I'll engage we shall "have room enough for us all."

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D

THERE