the poor remains of an unfortunate life. This indeed is more than I can justly expect from a quill worn to the pith in the fervice of the State; in pro's and con's upon Popish plots, and * meal-tubs, and exclufion-bills, and paffive obedience, and addreffes of lives and fortunes, and prerogative, and property, and liberty of confcience, and letters to a friend, from an understanding and a conscience thread-bare and ragged with perpetual turning; from a head broken in an hundred places, by the malignants of the oppofite factions; and from a body spent with poxes ill cured, by trufting to bawds and furgeons; who (as it afterwards appeared) were profeffed enemies to me and the Government, and revenged their party's quarrel upon my nofe and fhins. Fourfcore and eleven pamphlets have I written under three reigns, and for the fervice of fix and thirty factions. But, finding the State has no farther occafion for me and my ink, I retire willingly to draw it out into speculations more becoming a philofopher; having, to my unfpeakable comfort, paffed a long life with a confcience void of offence towards God and towards men.

BUT to return: I am affured from the reader's candor, that the brief fpecimen I have given, will eafily clear all the reft of our fociety's productions from an afperfion, grown, as it is manifeft, out of envy and ignorance, that they are of little farther use or value to mankind beyond the common entertainments of their wit and their ftyle for these I am fure have never yet been difputed by our keenest adverfaries: in both which, as well as the more profound and myftical part, I have throughout this treatise closely followed the most applauded originals. And to render all compleat, I have, with much thought and application of mind, so ordered, that the E 3 £3 chief

Here the author feems to perfonate L'eftrange, Dryden, and fome others, who, after having paft their lives in vices, faction, and falfhood, have the impudence to talk of merit and innocence, and fufferings.

In King Charles II.'s time, there was an account of a Presbyterian plot, found in a Tub, which then made much noife.

chief title prefixed to it, (I mean, that under which I design it shall pass in the common conversations of court and town) is modelled exactly after the manner peculiar to our fociety.

I confefs to have been fomewhat liberal in the business of titles; having observed the humour of multiplying them to bear great vogue among certain writers whom I exceedingly reverence. And, indeed, it seems not unreasonable, that books, the children of the brain, fhould have the honour to be christened with variety of names, as well as other infants of quality. Our famous Dryden has ventured to proceed a point farther, endeavouring to introduce also a multiplicity of god-fathers, which is an improvement of much more advantage, upon a very obvious account. It is a pity this admirable invention has not been better cultivated, fo as to grow by this time into general imitation, when fuch an authority ferves it for a precedent. Nor have my endeavours been wanting to fecond fo ufeful an example: but it feems, there is an unhappy expence ufually annexed to the calling of a god-father, which was clearly out of my head, as it is very reasonable to believe. Where the pinch lay, I cannot certainly affirm; but having employed a world of thoughts and pains to fplit my treatise into forty fections, and having intreated forty Lords of my acquaintance, that they would do me the honour to stand, they all made it a matter of conscience, and fent me their excufes.

SECT

The title-page in the original was fo torn, that it was not poffible to recover feveral titles, which the author here speaks of.

See Virgil tranflated &c. He dedicated the different parts of Virgil to different patrons,

SECT. II.

ONCE upon a time, there was a man who had

three *fons by one wife, and all at a birth; neither could the midwife tell certainly which was the eldest. Their father died while they were young; and upon his death-bed, calling the lads to him, fpoke thus:

"Sons, because I have purchased no eftate, nor was "born to any, I have long confidered of fome good "legacies to bequeath you; and at laft, with much care "as well as expence, have provided each of you (here "they are)a new coat t. Now, you are to understand, "that these coats have two virtues contained in them. "One is, that, with good wearing, they will last you "fresh and found as long as you live: the other is, that "they will grow in the fame proportion with your "bodies, lengthening and widening of themselves, fo

as to be always fit. Here, let me fee them on you "before I die. So, very well; pray, children, wear "them clean, and brush them often. You will find in my "I will (here it is) full inftructions in every particular "concerning the wearing and management of your coats;

wherein you must be very exact, to avoid the penal"ties I have appointed for every tranfgreffion or neglect, 86 upon which your future fortunes will entirely depend. "I have alfo commanded, in my will, that you fhould "live together in one house, like brethren and friends; "" for then you will be fure to thrive, and not other"wife."

HERE the ftory fays, this good father died, and the three fons went all together to feek their fortunes.

I

By these three fons, Peter, Martin, and Jack, Popery, the church of England, and our Proteftant Diffenters are designed. W. Wotton.

By his coats, which he gave his fons, the garment of the Ifraelites. W. Wotton.

An error (with fubmiffion) of the learned commentator; for by the coats are meant the doctrine and faith of Christianity, by the wisdom of the Divine founder fitted to all times, places, and cir cumstances. Lambin.

The New Testament.

I fhall not trouble you with recounting what adventures they met for the first seven years, any farther than by taking notice, that they carefully obferved their father's will, and kept their coats in very good order; that they travelled thro' feveral countries, encountered a reasonable quantity of giants, and flew certain dragons.

On

BEING now arrived at the proper age for producing themselves, they came up to town, and fell in love with the Ladies; but efpecially three, who about that time were in chief reputation; the + Duchefs d' Argent, Madame de Grands Titres, and the Countefs d'Orgueil. their first appearance, our three adventurers met with a very bad reception; and foon with great fagacity gueffing out the reafon, they quickly began to improve in the good qualities of the town. They writ, and rallied, and rhymed, and fung, and faid, and faid nothing; they drank, and fought, and whored, and flept, and fwore, and took fnuff; they went to new plays on the firft night, haunted the chocolate houfes, beat the watch, lay on bulks, and got claps; they bilked hackney-coachmen, ran in debt with fhop-keepers, and lay with their wives; they killed bailiffs, kicked fidlers down stairs, ate at Locket's, loitered at Will's; they talked of the drawing-room, and never came there; dined with Lords they never faw; whispered a Duchess, and spoke never a word: expofed the fcrawls of their laundrefs for billetdoux of quality; came ever juft from court, and were never seen in it; attended the levee fub dio; got a lift of peers by heart in one company, and with great familiarity retaled them in another. Above all, they conftantly attended those committees of fenators who are filent in the boufe, and loud in the coffee-house; where they nightly adjourn to chew the cud of politics, and are incompaffed with a ring of difciples, who lie in wait to

catch

+ Their miftreffes are the Duchefs d'Argent, Mademoiselle de Grands Titres, and the Countess d'Orgueil, i. e. covetousness, ambition, and pride; which were the three great vices that the ancient fathers inveighed against, as the first corruptions of Christianity. W. Wotton.

catch up their droppings. The three brothers had acquired forty other qualifications of the like ftamp, too tedious to recount; and, by confequence, were juftly reckoned the most accomplished perfons in the town. But all would' not suffice, and the Ladies aforefaid continued ftill inflexible. To clear up which difficulty, I muft, with the reader's good leave and patience, have recourse to some points of weight, which the authors of that age have not fufficiently illuftrated.

FOR, about this time it happened a fect arose whofe tenets obtained and spread very far, efpecially in the grand monde, and among every body of good fashion. They worshipped a fort of idol, who, as their doctrine delivered, did daily create men, by a kind of manufa &tory operation. This idol they placed in the highest parts of the house, on an altar erected about three foot. He was fhewn in the posture of a Perfian emperor, fitting on a fuperficies, with his legs interwoven under him. This god had a goofe for his enfign; whence it is, that fome learned men pretend to deduce his original from Jupiter Capitolinus. At his left hand, beneath the altar, bell feemed to open, and catch at the animals the idol was creating to prevent which, certain of his priests hourly flung in pieces of the uninformed mafs or fubftance, and fometimes whole limbs already enlivened; which that horrid gulph insatiably fwallowed, terrible to behold. The goofe was alfo held a fubaltern divinity, or deus minorum gentium; before whose fhrine was facrificed that creature, whose hourly food is human gore, and who is in fo great renown abroad, for being the delight and favourite of the Egyptian Cercopithecus. Millions of these animals were cruelly flaughtered every day, to appease the hunger of that confuming deity. The chief idol was alfo worfhipped as the inventor of the yard and needle; whether

as

This is an occafional fatyr upon dress and fashion, in order to introduce what follows.

By this idol is meant taylor.

The Egyptians worshipped a monkey, which animal is very fond of eating lice, styled here creatures that feed on human gore.