He was troubled with a disease, reverse to that called the flinging of the Tarantula; and would run dog-mad at the noife of mufic, efpecially a pair of bag-pipes. But he would cure himself again, by taking two or three turns in Westminster-hall, or Billingfgate, or in a Boarding-fchool, or the Royal Exchange, or a State Coffee-house. He was a perfon that feared no colourst, but mortally bated all; and upon that account bore a cruel averfion to painters; infomuch that in his paroxyfms, as he walked the ftreets, he would have his pockets loaden with ftones, to pelt at the figns. HAVING from his manner of living frequent occafions to wash himself, he would often leap over head and earsinto the water, tho' it were in the midst of the winter ; but was always obferved to come out again much dirtier, if poffible, than he went in. He was the firft that ever found out the fecret of contriving a foporiferous medicine to be conveyed in at the ears. It was a compound of fulphur and balm of Gilead, with a little Pilgrim's falve. He wore a large plaifter of artificial cauftics on his ftomach, with the fervor of which he could fet himself agroning, like the famous board upon application of a red hot iron. 66 He would ftand in the turning of a ftreet; and calling to those who paffed by, would cry to one, Worthy "Sir, do me the honour of a good flap in the chaps;" to another, "Honest friend, pray favour me with a "handfom kick on the arfe." "Madam, fhall I intreat a fmall box on the ear from your Ladyfhip's fair "hands?" This is to expose our Diffenters averfion to inftrumental mufic in churches. W. Wotton. ↑ They quarrel at the most innocent decency and ornament, and deface the ftatues and paintings on all the churches in England Baptifm of adults by plunging. Fanatic preaching, compofed either of hell and damnation, or a fulfome defcription of the joys of heaven, both in fuch a dirty naufeous style, as to be well resembled to Pilgrim's falve. "hands ""Noble Captain, lend a reasonable thwack, "for the love of God, with that cane of yours, over "thefe poor fhoulders *." And when he had, by fuch earneft follicitations, made a fhift to procure a bafting fufficient to fwell up his fancy and his fides, he would return home extremely comforted, and full of terrible accounts of what he had undergone for the public good. "Obferve this ftroke, (faid he, fhewing his bare shoul"ders), a plaguy Janiffary gave it me this very morning at feven o'clock, as with much ado I was driving off "the Great Turk. Neighbours, mind this broken head "deferves a plaifter. Had poor Jack been tender of his "noddle, you would have seen the Pope and the French King, long before this time of day, among your "wives and your warehouses. Dear Chriftians, the "Great Mogul was come as far as White-chapel; and you may thank thefe poor fides, that he hath not (God blefs us) already fwallowed up man, woman, "and child." 66 It was highly worth obferving the fingular effects of that averfion or antipathy which Jack and his brother Peter feemed, even to an affectation, to bear towards each other +. Peter had lately done fome rogueries, that forced him to abfcond; and he feldom ventured to ftir out before night, for fear of bailiffs. Their lodgings were at the two most diftant parts of the town from each other; and whenever their óccafions or humours called them abroad, they would make choice of the oddest unlikely times, and moft uncouth rounds they could invent, that they might be fure to avoid one another. Yet, after all this, it was their perpetual fortune to meet. The reafon * The Fanatics have always had a way of affecting to run into perfecution, and count vast merit upon every little hardship they fuffer. †The Papists and Fanatics, tho' they appear the most averse to each other, yet bear a near resemblance in many things, as has been obferved by learned men. Ibid. The agreement of our Diffenters and the Papists in that which Bishop Stillingfleet called the fanaticism of the church of Rome, is ludicrously defcribed for feveral pages together by Jack's likeness to Peter, and their being often mistaken for each other, and their frequent meeting when they leaft intended it. W. Wotton. reason of which is eafy enough to apprehend: for the phrenzy and the fpleen of both having the fame foundation, we may look upon them as two pair of compaffes, equally extended, and the fixed foot of each remaining in the fame centre; which, tho' moving contrary ways at first, will be fure to encounter fomewhere or other in the circumference. Befides, it was among the great misfortunes of Jack, to bear a huge perfonal refemblance with his brother Peter. Their humour and difpofitions were not only the fame, but there was a clofe analogy in their shape, their fize, and their mien; infomuch as nothing was more frequent than for a bailiff to feize Jack by the fhoulders, and cry, "Mr. Peter, you are the 66 King's prifoner;" or, at other times, for one of Peter's nearest friends to accoft Jack with open arms, "Dear Peter, I am glad to fee thee, pray fend me one of 66 your beft medicines for the worms." This, we may fuppofe, was a mortifying return of thofe pains and proceedings Jack had laboured in fo long; and finding how directly oppofite all his endeavours had anfwered to the fole end and intention which he had propofed to himself, how could it avoid having terrible effects upon a head and heart fo furnished as his? However, the poor remainders of his coat bore all the punishment. The orient fun never entered upon his diurnal progrefs, without miffing a piece of it. He hired a taylor to ftitch up the collar fo clofe, that it was ready to choke him; and fqueezed out his eyes at fuch a rate, as one could fee nothing but the white. What little was left of the main fubftance of the coat, he rubbed every day, for two hours, against a rough-caft wall, in order to grind away the remnants of lace and embroidery; but at the fame time went on with fo much violence, that he proceeded a Heathen philofopher. Yet, after all he could do of this kind, the fuccefs continued ftill to difappoint his expectation. For as it is the nature of rags to bear a kind of mock refemblance to finery; there being a fort of fluttering appearance in both, which is not to be diftinguished at a diftance, in the dark, or by fhort-fighted eyes: fo, in thofe junctures, it fared with fack and his tatters, that they offered to the first view a ridiculous flanting; which, affisting affifting the resemblance in perfon and air, thwarted all his projects of feparation, and left fo near a fimilitude between them, as frequently deceived the very difciples. and followers of both. Defunt non- THE old Sclavonian proverb faid well, That "it is "with men as with affes; whoever would keep them fast, ❝ must find a very good hold at their ears." Yet I think. we may affirm, that it hath been verified by repeated experience, that, Effugiet tamen hæc fceleratus vincula Proteus. IT is good, therefore, to read the maxims of our ancestors, with great allowances to times and perfons. For, if we look into primitive records, we shall find, that no revolutions have been fo great or fo frequent as those of human ears. In former days, there was a curious invention to catch and keep them; which, I think, we may justly reckon among the artes perdita. And how can it be otherwife, when, in these latter centuries, the very fpecies is not only diminished to a very lamentable degree, but the poor remainder is alfo degenerated fo far, as to mock our skilfulleft tenure? For if the only flitting of one ear in a ftag hath been found fufficient to propagate the defect thro' a whole foreft, why fhould we wonder at the greatest confequences, from fo many loppings and mutilations, to which the ears of our fathers and our own have been of late fo much expofed? 'Tis true indeed, that while this island of ours was under the dominion of grace, many endeavours were made to improve the growth of ears once more among us. The proportion of largenefs was not only looked upon as an ornament of the outward man, but as a type of grace in the inward. Befides, it is held by naturalifts, that if there be a protuberancy of parts in the Superior region of the the body, as in the ears and nose, there must be a parity alfo in the inferior. And therefore, in that truly pious age, the males in every affembly, according as they were gifted, appeared very forward in expofing their ears to view, and the regions about them; becaufe Hippocrates tells us, That when the vein behind the ear happens "to be cut, a man becomes a eunuch." And the females were nothing backwarder in beholding and edifying by them: whereof those who had already used the means, looked about them with great concern, in hopes of conceiving a fuitable offspring by fuch a profpect. Others, who stood candidates for benevolence, found there a plentiful choice; and were fure to fix upon fuch as difcovered the largeft ears, that the breed might not dwindle between them. Laftly, the devouter fifters, who looked upon all extraordinary dilatations of that member as protrufions of zeal, or spiritual excrefcences, were fure to honour every head they fat upon, as if they had been cloven tongues; but especially that of the preacher, whofe ears were ufually of the prime magnitude; which, upon that account, he was very frequent and exact in expofing with all advantages to the people; in his rhetorical paroxysms, turning fometimes to bold forth the one, and fometimes to hold forth the other. From which cuftom, the whole operation of preaching is to this very day, among their profeffors, ftyled by the phrafe of holding forth. SUCH was the progrefs of the faints for advancing the fize of that member; and it is thought the fuccefs would have been every way answerable, if, in procefs of time, a cruel king had nct arofe, who raifed a bloody perfecution against all ears above a certain ftandard +. Upon which, fome were glad to hide their flourishing fprouts in a black border; others crept wholly under a periwig; fome were flit, others crop'd, and a great number fliced off to the ftumps. But of this more hereafter in my general biftory of ears; which I defign very speedily to beftow upon the public. * Lib. de aëre, locis & aquis. FROM + This was K. Charles II. who, at his Restoration, turned out all the diffenting teachers that would not conform. |