But as a dog that turns the spit,
Bestirs himself, and plies his feet,
To climb the wheel, but all in vain,
His own weight brings him down again,
And still he's in the self-same place
Where at his setting out he was;
So in the circle of the arts,
Did he advance his natʼral parts,
Till falling back still, for retreat,
He fell to juggle, cant, and cheat;
For as those fowls that live in water
Are never wet, he did but smatter;
Whate'er he labour'd to appear,
His understanding still was clear;
Yet none a deeper knowledge boasted,
Since old Hodge Bacon,1 and Bob Grosted.2
The intelligible world 3 he knew,
And all men dream on 't to be true,
That in this world there's not a wart
That has not there a counterpart ;
Nor can there on the face of ground
An individual beard be found,
That has not, in that foreign nation,
A fellow of the self-same fashion;
So cut, so colour'd, and so curl'd,
As those are in th' inferior world:
H' had read Dee's prefaces before,1
The Devil, and Euclid, o'er and o'er,
And all th' intrigues 'twixt him and Kelly,
Lascus and th' Emperor, would tell ye :
'Hodge Bacon:' Roger Bacon, commonly called Friar Bacon.-2 Bob Grosted: Bishop Grosted was Bishop of Lincoln, 20 Henry III., A.D. 1235. Intelligible: i. e., ideal world.— * ' Dee's prefaces before: ' Dee was a Welshman, and educated at Oxford. He pretended to commerce with spirits, and wrote books on the subject. Kelly was his coadjutor, and so was Lascus or Alasco, a name which will suggest Kenilworth.
But with the Moon was more familiar
Than e'er was almanac well-willer ;1
Her secrets understood so clear,
That some believed he had been there;
Knew when she was in fittest mood
For cutting corns, or letting blood;
When for anointing scabs or itches,
Or to the bum applying leeches ;
When sows and bitches may be spay'd,
And in what sign best cider's made;
Whether the wane be, or increase,
Best to set garlic, or sow pease;
Who first found out the Man i' th' Moon,
That to the Ancients was unknown;
How many dukes, and earls, and peers,
Are in the planetary spheres ;
Their airy empire, and command,
Their sev'ral strengths by sea and land;
What factions they 've, and what they drive at
In public vogue, or what in private;
With what designs and interests
Each party manages contests.
He made an instrument to know
If the Moon shine at full or no ;
That would, as soon as e'er she shone, straight,
Whether 'twere day or night demonstrate ;
Tell what her di'meter to an inch is,
And prove that she's not made of
It would demonstrate, that the Man in
The Moon's a sea Mediterranean ;
And that it is no dog nor bitch,
That stands behind him at his breech;
But a huge Caspian sea, or lake,
With arms, which men for legs mistake;
1 Well-willer: ' compiler.
How large a gulf his tail composes,
And what a goodly bay his nose is ;
How many German leagues by th' scale
Cape Snout 's from Promontory Tail.
He made a planetary gin,
Which rats would run their own heads in,
And come on purpose to be taken,
Without the expense of cheese or bacon;
With lute-strings he would counterfeit
Maggots that crawl on dish of meat;
Quote moles and spots on any place
O' th' body, by the index face;
Detect lost maidenheads, by sneezing,
Or breaking wind of dames, or pissing;
Cure warts and corns, with application
Of medicines to th' imagination;
Fright agues into dogs, and scare
With rhymes the toothache and catarrh :
Chase evil spirits away by dint
Of cickle, horse-shoe, hollow-flint;
Spit fire out of a walnut-shell,
Which made the Roman slaves rebel ;1
And fire a mine in China here,
With sympathetic gunpowder.
He knew whats'ever 's to be known,
But much more than he knew would own:
What med'cine 't was that Paracelsus
Could make a man with, as he tells us ;
What figured slates are best to make,
On wat'ry surface, duck or drake ;
What bowling stones, in running race
Upon a board, have swiftest pace;
Roman slaves rebel:' alluding to the Servile war, headed by Spartacus, and occasioned by one Ennus professing to do as in the text.
Whether a pulse beat in the black
List of a dappled louse's back;
If systole or diastole move
Quickest when he's in wrath or love;
When two of them do run a race,
Whether they gallop, trot, or pace;
How many scores a flea will jump
Of his own length from head to rump,
Which Socrates and Chærephon,
In vain, essay'd so long agone; 1
Whether his snout a perfect nose is,
And not an elephant's proboscis ;
How many diff'rent specieses
Of maggots breed in rotten cheese;
And which are next of kin to those
Engender'd in a chandler's nose;
Or those not seen, but understood,
That live in vinegar and wood.
A paltry wretch he had, half-starved,
That him in place of Zany served,
Hight Whachum, bred to dash and draw,
Not wine, but more unwholesome law;
To make 'twixt words and lines huge gaps,
Wide as meridians in maps;
To squander paper, and spare ink,
Or cheat men of their words, some think.
From this, by merited degrees,
He'd to more high advancement rise;
To be an under-conjurer,
Or journeyman astrologer :
His bus'ness was to pump and wheedle,
And men with their own keys unriddle,
1 'Long agone:' Aristophanes, in his 'Comedy of the Clouds,' brings in Socrates and Chærephon measuring the leap of a flea, from the one's beard to the other's.
To make them to themselves give answers,
For which they pay the necromancers;
To fetch and carry intelligence,
Of whom, of what, and where, and whence;
And all discoveries disperse
Among th' whole pack of conjurers:
What cutpurses have left with them,
For the right owners to redeem ;
And what they dare not vent, find out,
To gain themselves and th' art repute;
Draw figures, schemes, and horoscopes,
Of Newgate, Bridewell, brokers' shops,
Of thieves ascendant in the cart;
And find out all by rules of art:
Which way a serving-man, that's run
With clothes or money away, is gone;
Who pick'd a fob at holding forth,
And where a watch, for half the worth,
May be redeem'd; or stolen plate
Restored at conscionable rate.
Beside all this, he served his master
In quality of poetaster;
And rhymes appropriate could make
To every month i' th' almanac ;
When terms begin and end could tell,
With their returns in doggerel;
When the Exchequer opes and shuts,
And sow-gelder with safety cuts;
When men may eat and drink their fill,
And when be temp'rate, if they will;
When use and when abstain from vice,
Figs, grapes, phlebotomy,' and spice.
1' Phlebotomy:' letting blood.
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