And kettle-drums, whose sullen dub
Sounds like the hooping of a tub.
But when the sight appear'd in view,
They found it was an antique show;
A triumph, that, for pomp and state,
Did proudest Romans emulate :
For as the aldermen of Rome
Their foes at training overcome,
And not enlarging territory

590

595

(As some mistaken write in story), Being mounted, in their best array,

Upon a car, and who but they!

And follow'd with a world of tall-lads,

That merry ditties troll'd, and ballads,

600

Did ride with many a good-morrow, [borough;
Crying, Hey for our town!' through the
So when this triumph drew so nigh

They might particulars descry,
They never saw two things so pat,
In all respects, as this and that.
First he that led the cavalcate
Wore a sow-gelder's flagellate,

605

610

On which he blew as strong a levet

As well-fee'd lawyer on his breviate,

When over one another's heads

They charge (three ranks at once) like Swedes.

Next pans and kettles of all keys,

615

From trebles down to double base;

And after them, upon a nag,

That might pass for a forehand stag,
A cornet rode, and on his staff

A smock display'd did proudly wave.
Then bagpipes of the loudest drones,
With snuffling broken-winded tones,
Whose blasts of air, in pockets shut,
Sound filthier than from the gut,
And make a viler noise than swine
In windy weather, when they whine.
Next one upon a pair of panniers,

620

625

Full fraught with that which for good manners Shall here be nameless, mixt with grains, Which he dispens'd among the swains,

630

And busily upon the crowd
A't random round about bestow'd.
Then, mounted on a horned horse,
One bore a gauntlet and gilt spurs,

Ty'd to the pummel of a long sword

635

He held reverst, the point turn'd downward.

Next after, on a raw-bon'd steed,

The conqueror's standard-bearer rid,
And bore aloft before the champion
A petticoat display'd, and rampant;
Near whom the Amazon triumphant
Bestrid her beast, and on the rump on't
Sat face to tail, and bum to bum,
The warrior whilom overcome,

640

Arm'd with a spindle and a distaff,

645

Which, as he rode, she made him twist off;

And when he loiter'd, o'er her shoulder
Chastis'd the reformado soldier.

Before the dame, and round about,
March'd whifflers and staffiers on foot,

650

With lackies, grooms, valets, and pages,

The Knight, transported, and the Squire,

Put up their weapons, and their ire;
And Hudibras, who us'd to ponder

660

On such sights with judicious wonder,
Could hold no longer to impart

His animadversions, for his heart.
Quoth he, In all my life, till now,

665

I ne'er saw so profane a show.

It is a Paganish invention,

Which heathen writers often mention:
And he who made it had read Goodwin,
Or Ross, or Cælius Rhodogine,

670

With all the Grecian Speeds and Stows,
That best describe those ancient shows;

And has observ'd all fit decorums
We find describ'd by old historians:
For as the Roman conqueror,
That put an end to foreign war,
Ent'ring the town in triumph for it,
Bore a slave with him, in his chariot;
So this insulting female brave
Carries behind her here a slave:
And as the ancients long ago,
When they in field defy'd the foe,

675

680

Hung out their mantles della guerre,

So her proud standard-bearer here

Waves on his spear, in dreadful manner,

685

A Tyrian petticoat for banner.

Next links and torches, heretofore

Still borne before the emperor:

And as, in antique triumphs, eggs

Were borne for mystical intrigues,

690

There's one with truncheon, like a ladle,

That carries eggs too, fresh or addle;

And still at random, as he goes,

Among the rabble-rout bestows.

Quoth Ralpho, You mistake the matter; 695 For all th' antiquity you smatter

Is but a riding us'd of course,

When the gray mare's the better horse;
When o'er the breeches greedy woman
Fight to extend their vast dominion;
And in the cause impatient Grizel
Has drubb'd her husband with bull's pizzle,
And brought him under covert-baron,
To turn her vassal with a murrain;
When wives their sexes shift, like hares,
And ride their husbands like night-mares,
And they, in mortal battle vanquish'd,
Are of their charter disenfranchis'd,

700

705

Me placeat, curru servus portatur eodem. 683. Tunica Coccinea solebat pridie quam dimican dum esset, supra prætorium poni, quasi admonitio, et indicium futuræ pugnæ.' Lipsius in Tacit. p. 56.

687. That the Roman emperors were wont to have torches borne before them (by day) in public, appears by Herodian in Pertinace. Lips. in Tacit. p. 16.

And by the right of war, like gills,
Condemn'd to distaff, horns, and wheels: 710
For when men by their wives are cow'd,
Their horns of course are understood.
Quoth Hudibras, Thou still giv'st sentence
Impertinently, and against sense.
'Tis not the least disparagement
To be defeated by th' event,
Nor to be beaten by main force;

715

That does not make a man the worse,
Although his shoulders with battoon

Be claw'd and cudgell'd to some tune.

720

A tailor's prentice has no hard

Measure, that's bang'd with a true yard:
But to turn tail, or run away,

And without blows give up the day,

These, mounted in a chair-curule,

Which moderns call a cucking-stool,
March proudly to the river's side,
And o'er the waves in triumph ride;
Like dukes of Venice, who are said

740

The Adriatic Sea to wed;

And have a gentler wife than those

745

For whom the state decrees those shows.

But both are heathenish, and come

From th' whores of Babylon and Rome,

And by the saints should be withstood,
As Antichristian and lewd;

750