Page images

This collection is to commence with the year 1700, and be continued to the prefent year 1738. The work is to be intitled, The author's critical biftory of his own


It is intended to be printed by fubfcription, in a large octavo; each volume to contain five hundred facts, and to be fold for a British crown. The author propofeth that the whole work (which will take in the period of thirty-eight years) fhall be contained in eighteen vo lumes.

Whoever shall fend the author any accounts of per fons who have performed any acts of justice, charity, pu blic fpirit, gratitude, fidelity, or the like, attefted by indubitable witneffes within the fame period; the faid facts fhall be printed, by way of appendix, at the end of each volume, and no addition to the price of the work demanded. But left such persons may apprehend, that the relating of these facts may be injurious to their reputations, their names fhall not be fet down without particular direction.

N. B. There will be a finall number printed on royal paper for the curious, at only two British crowns. There will alfo be the effigies of the most eminent perfons mentioned in this work, prefixed to each volume, curiously engraved by Mr. Hogarth.

Subfcriptions are taken in by the printer hereof, and by the bookfellers of London and Dublin,


A character of P-TE M-н.


has the reputation of most profound and uni. verfal learning this is the general opinion, neither can it be eafily difproved. An old rufty iron chest in a banker's fhop, ftrongly locked, and wonderful heavy, is full of gold; this is the general opinion, neither can it be difproved, provided the key be loft, and what is in it be wedged fo clofe that it will not by any motion difcover the metal by the chinking. Doing good

good is his pleasure; and as no man confults another in his pleasures, neither does he in this; by his awkwardnefs and unadvifednefs difappointing his own good defigns. His high station hath placed him in the way of great employments; which, without the leaft polishing his native rufticity, have given him a tincture of pride and ambition. But thefe vices would have paffed concealed under his natural fimplicity, if he had not endea voured to hide them by art. His difpofition to study is the very fame with that of an ufurer to hoard up money, or of a vitious young fellow to a wench; nothing but avarice and evil concupifcence, to which his conftitution has fortunately given a more innocent turn. He is fordid and fufpicious in his domeftics, without love or hatred; which is but reasonable, fince he has neither friend nor enemy; without joy or grief; in fhort, without all paffions but fear, to which of all others he hath leaft temptation, having nothing to get or to lofe; no po fterity, relation, or friend, to be folicitous about; and placed by his ftation above the reach of fortune or envy. He hath found out the fecret of preferring men without deferving their thanks; and where he difpenfes his fa vours to perfons of merit, they are lefs obliged to him than to fortune. He is the firft of human race, that, with great advantages of learning, piety, and station, ever escaped being a great man. That which relishes best with him, is mixed liquor and mixed company, and he is feldom unprovided with very bad of both. He is fo wife to value his own health more than other mens nofes; fo that the most honourable place at his table is much the worst, efpecially in fummer. It hath been affirmed, that originally he was not altogether devoid of wit, till it was extruded from his head to make room for other mens thoughts. He will admit a governor, provided it be one who is very officious and diligent, outwardly pious, and one that knows how to manage and make the meft of his fear. No man will be either glad or forry at his death, except his fucceffor.

[blocks in formation]

The blunders, deficiencies, distresses, and miffortunes of QUILCA.

Propofed to contain one and twenty volumes in quarto. Begun April 20. 1724. To be continued weekly, if due encouragement be given.


UT one lock-and a half in the whole house.
The key of the garden-door loft.

The empty bottles all uncleanable.

The veffels for drink few and leaky.

The new house all going to ruin before it is finished. One hinge of the ftreet-door broke off, and the people forced to go out and come in at the back door.

The door of the Dean's bed-chamber full of large chinks.

The beaufet letting in fo much wind that it almost blows out the candles.

The Dean's bed threatening every night to fall under him.

The little table loofe and broken in the joints.

The paffages open over head, by which the cats pafs continually into the cellar, and eat the victuals; for which one was tried, condemned, and executed by the fword.

The large table in a very tottering condition.

But one chair in the houfe fit for fitting on, and that in a very ill state of health.

The kitchen perpetually crouded with favages. Not a bit of mutton to be had in the country. Want of beds, and a mutiny thereupon among the fervants, till fupplied from Kells.

An egregious want of all the most coinmon neceffary utenfils.

Not a bit of turf this cold weather, and Mrs Johnfon and the Dean in perfon, with all their fervants, forced to affift at the bog in gathering up the wet bottoms of old clamps.

The grate in the ladics bed-chamber broke, and forced to be removed, by which they were compelled to be


without fire; the chimney fmoking intolerably; and the Dean's great coat was employed to stop the wind from coming down the chimney, without which expedient they must have been starved to death.

A meffenger fent a mile to borrow an old broken tun-difh.

Bottles ftopped with bits of wood and tow, instead of corks.

Not one utenfi! for a fire, except an old pair of tongs, which travels through the house, and is likewise employed to take the meat out of the pot, for want of a fleshfork.

Every fervant an arrant thief as to victuals and drink, and every comer and goer as arrant a thief of every thing he or she can lay their hands on.

The fpit blunted with poking into bogs for timber, and tears the meat to pieces.

Bellum atque fæminam: or, A kitchen-war between nurfe and a nafty crew of both fexes; the to preserve order and cleanliness, they to deftroy both; and they generally are conquerors.

April 28. This morning the great fore-door quite open, dancing backwards and forwards with all its weight upon the lower hinge, which must have been broken, if the Dean had not accidentally come and relieved it.

A great hole in the floor of the ladies chamber, every hour hazarding a broken leg.

Two damnable iron fpikes erect on the Dean's bedftead, by which he is in danger of a broken shin at rising and going to bed.

The ladies and Dean's fervants growing faft into the manners and thieveries of the natives; the ladies themfelves very much corrupted; the Dean perpetually forming, and in danger of either lofing all his flesh, or finking into barbarity for the fake of peace.

Mrs Dingley full of cares for herself, and blunders, and negligence for her friends. Mrs Johnfon fick and helpless. The Dean de fand fretting; the lady's maid awkward and clumsy; Robert lazy and forgetful; William a pragmatical, ignorant, and conceited puppy ;

Dd 3


Robin and nurse the two great and only supports of the family.

Bellum lacteum ; or The milky battle, fought between the Dean and the crew of Quilca; the latter infifting on their privilege of not milking till eleven in the forenoon; whereas Mrs Johnson wanted milk at eight for her health. In this battle the Dean got the victory: but the crew of Quilca begin to rebel again; for it is this day almost ten o'clock, and Mrs Johnston hath not got her milk.

A proverb on the laziness and lodgings of the fervants The worse their fiye, the longer they lie.

Two great holes in the wall of the ladies bed-chamber, juft at the back of the bed, and one of them directly behind Mrs Johnfon's pillow, either of which would blow out a candle in the calmest day.

A modeft DEFENCE of a late POEM by an unknown author, called, THE LADY'S DRES SING ROOM *.

Written in the year 1732.

[The poem on the Lady's Dreffing-room having given of fence to a few fqueamish ladies, and fome fine gentlemen, it was thought proper to publish the following defence.]


Poem, or pamphlet, published in this kingdom without a name, will not long want one, if the paper maketh any noise.

There is a certain person of distinction among us, who is conjectured to have written many things, both in profe and verfe, for the fervice of the nation, which undoubt edly were publifhed with his own confent. It is also believed, that he has compofed others occafionally, for the amusement of himself and a few intimate friends; which, by the indifcretion of others, were, from stolen and incorrect copies, dragged into light.

But I hold it for certain, that a much greater num

* See this poem in vol. 6. p. 341.


« PreviousContinue »