"Pray (said Either you are both mad, approve of. If you there do

your lordship has promised us to dinner." Peter), take me along with you. or disposed to be merrier than I not like your piece, I will carve you another, though I should take that to be the choice bit of the whole shoulder." "What, then, my lord (replied the first), it seems this is a shoulder of mutton all this while." "Pray, Sir (says Peter), eat your victuals, and leave off your impertinence, if you please; for I am not disposed to relish it at present." But the other could not forbear, being over-provoked at the affected seriousness of Peter's countenance. "By G-, my lord (said he), I can only say, that to my eyes, and fingers, and teeth, and nose, it seems to be nothing but a crust of bread." Upon which the second put in his word: "I never saw a piece of mutton in my life, so nearly resembling a slice from a twelve-penny loaf." "Look ye, gentlemen (cries Peter in a rage), to convince you, what a couple of blind, positive, ignorant, wilful puppies you are, I will use but this plain argument: by G―, it is true, good, natural mutton as any in Leaden-hall market; and G― confound you both eternally, if you offer to believe otherwise." Such a thundering proof as this, left no further room for objection. The two unbelievers began to gather and pocket up their mistake as hastily as they could. "Why, truly (said the first), upon more mature consideration"-Aye (says the other, interrupting him), now I have thought better on the thing, your lordship seems to have a great deal of reason." "Very well (says Peter). Here, boy, fill me a beer-glass of claret; here's to you both with all my heart." The two brethren much delighted to see him so readily appeased, returned their most humble thanks, and said they would be glad to pledge his lordship. "That you shall (said Peter). I am not a person to refuse you any thing that is reasonable. Wine moderately taken, is a cordial. Here is a glass a-piece for you; it is true natural juice from the grape, none of your

damned vintners' brewings." Having spoke thus, he presented to each of them another large dry crust, bidding them drink it off, and not be bashful; for it would do them no hurt. The two brothers, after having performed the usual office, in such delicate conjunctures, of staring a sufficient period at Lord Peter, and each other, and finding how matters were likely to go, resolved not to enter on a new dispute, but let him carry the point as he pleased; for he was now got into one of his mad fits; and to argue or expostulate further, would only serve to render him a hundred times more untractable.

I have chosen to relate this worthy matter in all its circumstances; because it gave a principal occasion to that great and famous rupture,* which happened about the same time among these brethren, and was never afterwards made up. But of that I shall treat at large in another section.

However, it is certain, that Lord Peter, even in his lucid intervals, was very lewdly given in his common conversation, extreme wilful and positive; and would at any time rather argue to the death, than allow himself to be once in an error. Besides, he had an abominable faculty of telling huge palpable lies upon all occasions; and swearing not only to the truth, but cursing the whole company to hell, if they pretended to make the least scruple of believing him. One time he swore he had a cow at home, which gave as much milk at a meal as would fill three thousand churches; and what was yet more extraordinary, would never turn sour.† Another time he was telling of an old sign-post that belonged

*By the rupture, is meant the reformation.

+ The ridiculous multiplying of the Virgin Mary's milk among the Papists, under the allegory of a cow, which gave as much milk at a meal as would fill three thousand churches.-W. WOTTON.

By this sign-post is meant the cross of our blessed Saviour; and if all the wood that is shewn for parts of it, was collected, the quantity would sufficiently justify this sarcasm.

to his father, with nails and timber enough on it to build sixteen large men of war. Talking one day of Chinese waggons, which were made so light as to sail over mountains: "Zounds (said Peter), where's the wonder of that? By G—, I saw a large house of lime and stone travel over sea and land (granting that it stopped sometimes to bait) above two thousand German leagues."* And that which was the good of it, he would swear desperately all the while, that he never told a lie in his life; and at every word, "By G-, gentlemen, I tell you nothing but the truth; and the d-1 broil them eternally that will not believe me."

In short, Peter grew so scandalous, that all the neighbourhood began in plain words to say, he was no better than a knave. And his two brothers, long weary of his ill usage, resolved at last to leave him. But first they humbly desired a copy of their father's will, which had now lain by neglected time out of mind. Instead of granting this request, he called them d-d sons of whores, rogues, traitors, and the rest of the vile names he could muster up. However, while he was abroad one day upon his projects, the two youngsters watched their opportunity, made a shift to come at the will, and took a copia vera; by which they presently saw how grossly they had been abused; their father having left them equal heirs, and strictly commanded, that whatever they got, should lie in common among them all. Pursuant to which, their next enterprise was, to break open the cellar-door, and get a little good drink, to spirit and comfort their hearts. In copying

*The Chapel of Loretto. He falls here only upon the ridiculous inventions of Popery. The Church of Rome intended by these things to gull silly, superstitious people, and rook them of their money. The world had been too long in slavery, but our ancestors gloriously redeemed us from that yoke. The Church of Rome therefore ought to be exposed, and he deserves well of mankind that does expose it. -W. WOTTON.

The Chapel of Loretto, which travelled from the Holy-land to Italy.-1bid. +Translated the Scriptures into the vulgar tongues.

Administered the cup to the laity at the communion.

the will, they had met another precept against whoring, divorce, and separate maintenance: upon which their next work was, to discard their concubines, and send for their wives.* Whilst all this was in agitation, there enters a solicitor from Newgate, desiring Lord Peter would please to obtain a pardon for a thief who was to be hanged to-morrow. But the two brothers told him, he was a coxcomb to seek pardons from a fellow who deserved to be hanged much better than his client; and discovered all the method of that imposture, in the same form I delivered it a while ago; advising the solicitor to put his friend upon obtaining a pardon from the king. In the midst of all this clatter and revolution, in comes Peter with a file of dragoons at his heels; and gathering from all hands what was in the wind, he and his gang, after several millions of scurrillities and curses, not very important here to repeat, by main force very fairly kicks them both out of doors,§ and would never let them come under his roof from that day to this.

* Allowed the marriages of priests.

+ Directed penitents not to trust to pardons and absolutions procured for money; but sent them to implore the mercy of God, from whence alone remission is to be obtained.

By Peter's dragoons, is meant the civil power, which those princes who were bigotted to the Romish superstition, employed against the Reformers.

The Pope shuts all who dissent from him out of the church.

SECTION V.

A DIGRESSION IN THE MODERN KIND.

WE, whom the world is pleased to honour with the title of modern authors, should never have been able to compass our great design of an everlasting remembrance, and neverdying frame, if our endeavours had not been so highly serviceable to the general good of mankind, This, O Universe! is the adventurous attempt of me thy secretary.

---Quemvis perferre laborem

Suadet, et, inducit noctes vigilare serenas.

To this end, I have some time since, with a world of pains and art, dissected the carcass of human nature, and read many useful lectures upon the several parts, both containing and contained; till at last it smelt so strong, I could preserve it no longer. Upon which I have been at a great expense to fit up all the bones with exact conjecture, and in due symmetry; so that I am ready to show a very complete anatomy thereof to all curious gentlemen and others. But not to digress farther in the midst of a digression, as I have known some authors inclose digression in one another, like a nest of boxes; I do affirm, that, having carefully cut up human nature, I have found a very strange, new, and important discovery; that the public good of mankind is performed by two ways, instruction and diversion. And I have farther proved in my said several