SECTION VIII.

A TALE OF A TUB.

THE learned Æolists* maintain the original cause of all things to be wind, from which principle this whole universe. was at first produced, and into which it must at last be resolved; that the same breath which had kindled, and blew up the flame of nature, should one day blow it out.

Quid procul a nobis flectat fortuna gubernans.

This is what the adepti understood by their anima mundi ; that is to say, the spirit, or breath, or wind of the world. For examine the whole system by the particulars of nature, and you will find it not to be disputed. For whether you please to call the forma informans of man, by the name of spiritus, animus, afflatus, or anima; what are all these but several appellations for wind; which is the ruling element in every compound, and into which they all resolve upon their corruption. Farther what is life itself, but as it is commonly called, the breath of our nostrils? Whence it is very justly observed by naturalists that wind still continues of great emolument in certain mysteries not to be named giving occasion for those happy epithets of turgidus and inflatus, applied either to the emittent, or recipient organs.

But what I have gathered out of ancient records, I find the

*All pretenders to inspiration whatsoever.

compass of their doctrine took into two and thirty points, wherein it would be tedious to be very particular. However, a few of their most important precepts, deducible from it, are by no means to be omitted; among which the following maxim was of much weight, that since wind had the mastershare, as well as operation in every compound, by consequence, those beings must be of chief excellence, wherein that primordium appears most prominently to abound; and therefore man is in the highest perfection of all created things, as having, by the great bounty of philosophers, been endued with three distinct anima's or winds, to which the sage Eolists, with much liberality, have added a fourth, of equal necessity, as well as ornament, with the other three; by this quartum principium, taking in the four corners of the world; which gave occasion to that renowned cabalist, Bumbastus,* of placing the body of man in due position to the four cardinal points.

In consequence of this, their next principle was, that man brings with him into the world, a peculiar portion, or grain of wind, which may be called a quinta essentia, extracted from the other four. This quintessence is of Catholic use upon all emergencies of life, is improvable into all arts and sciences, and may be wonderfully refined, as well as enlarged, by certain methods in education. This, when blown up to its perfection, ought not to be covetously hoarded up, stifled, or hid under a bushel, but freely communicated to mankind. Upon these reasons, and others of equal weight, the wise Eolists affirm the gift of BELCHING to be the noblest act of a rational creature. To cultivate which art, and render it more serviceable to mankind, they made use of several methods. At certain seasons of the year, you might behold the priests amongst them in vast numbers, with their mouths

*This is one of the names of Paracelsus. He was called Christophorus, Theophrastus Paracelsus Bumbastus.

gaping wide against a storm.* At other times were to be seen several hundreds linked together in a circular chain, with every man a pair of bellows applied to his neighbour's breech, by which they blew up each other to the shape and size of a tun; and for that reason, with great propriety of speech did usually call their bodies their vessels. When, by these, and the like performances, they were grown sufficiently replete, they would immediately depart and disembogue, for the public good, a plentiful share of their acquirements into their disciples' chaps. For we must here observe, that all learning was esteemed among them to be compounded from the same principle: Because, first, it is generally affirmed, or confessed, that learning puffeth men up; and, secondly, they proved it by the following syllogism: Words are but wind; and learning is nothing but words; ergo, learning is nothing but wind. For this reason, the philosophers among them did, in their schools, deliver to their pupils all their doctrines and opinions by eructation, wherein they had acquired a wonderful eloquence, and of incredible variety.

But the great characteristic by which their chief sages were best distinguished, was a certain position of countenance, which gave undoubted intelligence to what degree or proportion the spirit agitated the inward mass. For, after certain gripings, the wind and vapours issuing forth; having first, by their turbulence and convulsions within, caused an earthquake in man's little world; distorted the mouth, bloated the cheeks, and gave the eyes a terrible kind of relievo. At which junctures, all their belches were received for sacred, the sourer the better, and swallowed with infinite consolation by their meagre devotees. And to render these yet more complete; because the breath of man's life is in his nostrils, therefore the choicest, most edifying, and most enlivening

This is meant of those seditious preachers, who blow up the seeds of rebellion, &c.

belches were very wisely conveyed through that vehicle, to give them a tincture as they passed.

Their gods were the four winds, whom they worshipped, as the spirits that pervade and enliven the universe, and as those from whom alone all inspiration can properly be said to proceed. However, the chief of these, to whom they performed the adoration of latria,* was the almighty North; an ancient deity, whom the inhabitants of Megalopolis, in Greece, had likewise in the highest reverence: Omnium decoram Boream maxime celebrant.t This god, though endued with ubiquity, was yet supposed by the profounder Æolists to possess one peculiar habitation, or (to speak in form) a cœlum empyræum, wherein he was more intimately present. This was situated in a certain region, well known to the ancient Greeks, by them called Eкoría, or the land of darkness. And although many controversies have arisen upon that matter, yet so much is undisputed, that from a region of the like denomination the most refined Æolists have borrowed their original; from whence, in every age, the zealous among their priesthood have brought over their choicest inspiration; fetching it with their own hands from the fountain head, in certain bladders, and disploding it among the sectaries in all nations; who did, and do, and ever will daily gasp and pant after it.

manner.

Now, their mysteries and rites were performed in this It is well known among the learned, that the virtuosos of former ages had a contrivance for carrying and preserving winds in casks or barrels, which was of great assistance upon sea-voyages; and the loss of so useful an art at present is very much to be lamented, though, I know not how, with great negligence omitted by Pancirollus.‡ It

* Latria is that worship which is paid to the Supreme Being.

+ Pausan. Lib. 8.

‡ An author who writ De Artibus Perditis, &c. of arts lost, and of arts invented.

was an invention ascribed to Æolus himself, from whom this sect is denominated; and who, in honour of their founder's memory, have to this day, preserved great numbers of those barrels, whereof they fix one in each of their temples, first beating out the top. Into this barrel, upon solemn days, the priest enters, where, having before duly prepared himself by the methods already described, a secret funnel is also conveyed from his posteriors to the bottom of the barrel, which admits new supplies of inspiration from a northern chink or cranny. Whereupon you behold him swell immediately to the shape and size of his vessel. In this posture he disembogues whole tempests upon his auditory, as the spirit from beneath gives him utterance: which issuing ex adytis and penetralibus, is not performed without much pain and gripings. And the wind, in breaking forth, deals with his face as it does with that of the sea; first blackening, then wrinkling, and at last bursting it into a foam.* It is in this guise the sacred Æolist delivers his oracular belches to his panting disciples; of whom some are greedily gaping after the sanctified breath; others are all the while hymning out the praises of the winds; and gently wafted to and fro by their own humming, do thus represent the softest breezes of their deities appeased.

It is from this custom of the priests, that some authors maintain these olists to have been very ancient in the world; because the delivery of their mysteries, which I have just now mentioned, appears exactly the same with that of other ancient oracles, whose inspirations were owing to certain subterraneous effluvia of wind, delivered with the same pain to the priest, and much about the same influence on the people. It is true, indeed, that these were frequently managed and directed by female officers, whose organs were understood to

* This is an exact description of the changes made in the face by enthusiastic preachers.