• And made me mount upon the bare ridge, To' avoid a wretcheder miscarriage.'
'Sir,' quoth the lawyer, not to flatter ye, You have as good and fair a battery
As heart can wish, and need not shame
The proudest man alive to claim:
For if they 'ave us'd you as you say
Marry, quoth I, God give you joy!
I would it were my case, I'd give
More than I'll say, or you'll believe:
I would so trounce her, and her purse,
I'd make her kneel for better or worse;
For matrimony, and hanging here,
Both go by destiny so clear,
That you as sure may pick and choose,
As cross I win, and pile you lose:
And if I durst I would advance
As much in ready maintenance,
As upon any case I've known;
But we that practise dare not own:
The law severely contrabands
Our taking business off men's hands;
'Tis common barratry, that bears
Point-blank an action 'gainst our ears,
And crops them till there is not leather,
To stick a pin in, left of either;
For which some do the summer-sault,
And o'er the bar, like tumblers, vault:
But you may swear at any rate,
Things not in nature, for the state;
For in all courts of justice here
A witness is not said to swear,
But make oath; that is, in plain terms,
To forge whatever he affirms.'
"I thank you,' quoth the Knight, 'for that, Because 'tis to my purpose pat’—
For Justice, though she's painted blind,
Is to the weaker side inclin❜d,
Like Charity; else right and wrong
Could never hold it out so long,
And, like blind Fortune, with a sleight,
Convey men's interest and right
From Stiles's pocket into Nokes's,
As easily as Hocus Pocus;
Plays fast and loose, makes men obnoxious;
And clear again, like hiccius doctius,
Then, whether you would take her life,
Or but recover her for your wife,
Or be content with what she has,
And let all other matters pass,
The business to the law's alone,
The proof is all it looks upon;
And you can want no witnesses,
To swear to any thing you please,
That hardly get their mere expenses
By the' labour of their consciences,
Or letting out, to hire, their ears
To affidavit-customers,
At inconsiderable values,
To serve for jurymen, or talés,
Although retain'd in the' hardest matters
Of trustees and administrators.'
"For that,' quoth he, 'let me alone;
We 'ave store of such, and all our own,
Bred up and tutor'd by our Teachers,
The ablest of conscience-stretchers.'
'That's well,' quoth he, but I should guess, By weighing all advantages,
Your surest way is first to pitch
On Bongey* for a water-witch;
And when ye ’ave hang'd the conjurer,
Ye 'ave time enough to deal with her.
In the' interim, spare for no trepans
To draw her neck into the banns;
Ply her with love-letters and billets,
And bait 'em well, for quirks and quillets,
With trains to' inveigle and surprise
Her heedless answers and replies;
And if she miss the mouse-trap lines,
They'll serve for other by-designs;
And make an artist understand
To copy out her seal, or hand;
Or find void places in the paper
To steal in something to intrap her;
Till, with her worldly goods, and body,
Spite of her heart, she has endow'd ye.
Retain all sorts of witnesses,
That ply i' th' temples, under trees,
Or walk the round, with Knights o' th' Posts,
About the cross-leg'd knights, their hosts;
Or wait for customers between
The pillar-rows in Lincoln's Inn;
Where vouchers, forgers, common bail,
And affidavit men ne'er fail
To' expose to sale all sorts of oaths,
According to their ears and clothes,
*Bongey was a Franciscan, and lived towards the end of the thirteenth century, a doctor of divinity in Oxford, and a particular acquaintance of Friar Bacon's. In that ignorant age every thing that seemed extraordinary was reputed magic, and so both Bacon and Bongey went under the imputation of studying the black art.
Their only necessary tools,
Besides the Gospel, and their souls;
And when ye're furnish'd with all purveys,
I shall be ready at your service.'
'I would not give,' quoth Hudibras, A straw to understand a case, Without the admirable skill
To wind and manage it at will;
To veer, and tack, and steer a cause.
Against the weather-gage of laws;
And ring the changes upon cases,
As plain as noses upon faces,
As you have well instructed me,
For which you 'ave earn'd, (here 'tis) your fee.
I long to practice your advice,
And try the subtle artifice,
To bait a letter, as you bid.'-
As, not long after, thus he did;
For, having pump'd up all his wit,
And hum'd upon it, thus he writ.
'I WHO was once as great as Cæsar,
Am now reduc'd to Nebuchadnezzar;
And from as fam'd a conqueror
As ever took degree in war,
Or did his exercise in battle,
By you turn'd out to grass with cattle:
For since I am denied access
To all my earthly happiness,
Am fallen from the paradise
Of your good graces, and fair eyes;
Lost to the world, and you, I'm sent
To everlasting banishment,
Where all the hopes I had to 'ave won
Your heart, b'ing dash'd, will break my own.
'Yet if you were not so severe
To pass your doom before you hear,
You'd find, upon my just defence,
How much ye 'ave wrong'd my innocence.
That once I made a vow to you,
Which yet is unperform'd, 'tis true;
But not, because it is unpaid,
'Tis violated, though delay'd:
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