In vain with open hands he tries To guard his ears, his nose his eyes; The nimble fly escaped by flight, Th' impending stroke with all its weight Thus much he gained by this adventurous deed; MORAL. Let senates hence learn to preserve their state, EPITAPH ON A MISER. ENEATH this verdant hillock lies RIDDLES. ON A PEN. 'N youth exalted high in air, Or bathing in the waters fair, And dragged me from my mother's side. No wonder now I look so thin; The tyrant stripped me to the skin; And then, with heart more hard than stone, To vex me more, he took a freak I speak to eyes, and not to ears. I see his vanity and pride: All languages I can command, I give command to kill or save; I only hasten on my fate. My tongue is black, my mouth is furred, ON GOLD. ALL-RULING tyrant of the earth, Stabbed to the heart, condemned to flame, The favorite messenger of Jove, The Lemnian god, consulting, strove To make me glorious to the sight ON THE FIVE SENSES. ALL of us in one you'll find, Brethren of a wondrous kind; Yet, among us all, no brother Knows one tittle of the other. We in frequent councils are, And our marks of things declare; Where, to us unknown, a clerk Sits, and takes them in the dark. He's the register of all In our ken, both great and small; By us forms his laws and rules; One of us alone can sleep, Yet no watch the rest will keep; If wine's bought, or victuals dressed, One enjoys them for the rest. Pierce us all with wounding steel, One for all of us will feel. Though ten thousand cannons roar, Add to them ten thousand more, Yet but one of us is found Who regards the dreadful sound. Do what is not fit to tell, There's but one of us can smell. ON TIME. EVER eating, never cloying, All devouring, all destroying; Never ending full repast, Till I eat the world at last. ON THE VOWELS. WE are little airy creatures, All of different voice and features: One of us in glass is set, T' other you may see in tin, JONATHAN SWIFT. FRENCH COOKING. make a plum-pudding a French count once took An authentic receipt from an English lord's cook : Mix suet, milk, eggs, sugar, meal, fruit and spice, Drop a spoonful of brandy to quicken the mess, These directions were tried, but, when tried, had no good in, The French cooks, when they saw him, talked loud and talked long, They were sure all was right, he could find nothing wrong; Till, just as the mixture was raised to the pot, "Hold your hands! hold your hands!" screamed astonished John Trot: "Don't you see you want one thing, like fools as you are?" "Vone ting, Sare! Vat ting, Sare?”—“A puddingcloth, Sare!" SAVED BY HIS WIT A sailor, having been sentenced to the cat-o'-nine tails, when tied for punishment, spoke the following lines to his commander, who had an aversion to a cat. Y your honor's command, an example I stand I am hampered and stripped, and, if I am whipped, 'Tis no more than I own is my due. In this scurvy condition, I humbly petition Merry Tom by such trash once avoided the lash, There is nothing you hate, I'm informed, like a cat ; If puss then with one tail can make your heart fail, THE FRIEND OF HUMANITY AND THE KNIFE-GRINDER. FRIEND OF HUMANITY. EEDY knife-grinder! whither are you going? Rough is the road; your wheel is out of order, Bleak blows the blast;-your hat has got a hole in't; So have your breeches! Weary knife-grinder! little think the proud ones, Who in their coaches roll along the turnpike-road, What hard work 't is crying all day, "Knives and Scissors to grind O!" Tell me knife-grinder, how came you to grind knives? 'Twas all wash, and all squash, but 'twas not English Did some rich man tyrannically use you? pudding; And monsieur, in a pet, sent a second request For the cook that prescribed to assist when 'twas dressed, Who, of course, to comply with his honor's beseeching, Like an old cook of Colbrook, marched into the kitchen. Was it the squire? or parson of the parish? Or the attorney? Was it the squire for killing of his game? or Covetous parson for his tithes distraining? Or roguish lawyer made you lose your little All in a lawsuit ? Who varrants all der goods to suit Who gomes aroundt ven I been oudt, Who, ven he gomes again dis vay, Vill hear vot Pfeiffer has to say, Und mit a plack eye goes avay? Der drummer. CHARLES F. ADAMS. THE BUTTERFLY'S BALL. OME take up your hats, and away let us haste To the Butterfly's ball and the Grasshopper's feast. The trumpeter, Gad-fly, has summoned the crew, And the revels are now only waiting for you. So said little Robert, and, pacing along, From one branch to another, his cobwebs he slung, Yet he touched not the ground, but with talons out- So his lordship decreed, with a grave, solemn tone, spread, Hung suspended in air, at the end of a thread. Then the Grasshopper came with a jerk and a spring, He took but three leaps, and was soon out of sight, But they all laughed so loud that he pulled in his head, Then home let us hasten, while yet we can see, REPORT OF A CASE, NOT TO BE FOUND B Decisive and clear, without one if or but- GONE WITH A HANDSOMER MAN. JOHN. 'VE worked in the field all day, a plowin' the stony streak;" I've scolded my team till I'm hoarse; I've tramped till my legs are weak; I've choked a dozen swears, (so's not to tell Jane fibs), When the plow-pint struck a stone and the handles punched my ribs. I've put my team in the barn, and rubbed their sweaty coats; I've fed 'em a heap of hay and half a bushel of oats; And to see the way they eat makes me like eatin' feel, And Jane wont say to-night that I don't make out a meal. ETWEEN nose and eyes a strange contest Well said! the door is locked! but here she's left the arose; The spectacles set them unhappily wrong; The point in dispute was, as all the world To which the said spectacles ought to belong. So the tongue was the lawyer, and argued the cause So famed for his talent in nicely discerning. In behalf of the nose, it will quickly appear, And your lordship, he said, will undoubtedly find, Then, holding the spectacles up to the court- On the whole it appears, and my argument shows, Then shifting his side, as the lawyer knows how, For the world did not think they were equally wise. key, Under the step, in a place known only to her and me; But here on the table's a note, probably this will tell. been true; But I'm going away to-day with a handsomer man than you." A han'somer man than me! Why that ain't much to say; There's han'somer men than me go past here every day. There's han'somer men than me—I ain't of the han'some kind; But a loven er man than I was, I guess she'll never find. Curse her! curse her! I say, and give my curses wings! May the words of love I've spoken be changed to scor pion stings! Oh, she filled my heart with joy, she emptied my heart of doubt, And now with the scratch of a pen, she lets my heart's blood out! Curse her! curse her! say I, she'll some time rue this day; She'll some time learn that hate is a game that two can play; And long before she dies she'll grieve she ever was | Good-bye! I wish that death had severed us/ two born, apart. heart. And I'll plow her grave with hate, and seed it down to You've lost a worshipper here, you've crushed a lovin' scorn. As sure as the world goes on, there'll come a time when she Will read the devilish heart of that han'somer man than me; And there'll be a time when he will find, as others do, That she who is false to one, can be the same with two. I'll worship no woman again; but I guess I'll learn to pray, And kneel as you used to knell, before you run away. And if I thought I could bring my words on heaven to bear, And if I thought I had some little influence there, And when he is tired of her and she is tired of him, count the cost; And then she'll see things clear, and know what she has lost. JANE [entering]. Why, John, what a litter here! you've thrown things all around? Come, what's the matter now? and what have you lost or found? And here's my father here, a waiting for supper, too; And thoughts that are now asleep will wake up in her I've been a riding with him-he's that "handsomer mind, And she will mourn and cry for what she has left behind; man than you." Ha ha! Pa, take a seat, while I put the kettle on, And maybe she'll sometimes long for me-for me-but And get things ready for tea, and kiss my dear old no! John. I've blotted her out of my heart, and I will not have Why, John, you look so strange! come, what has it so. And yet in her girlish heart there was somethin' or other she had, That fastened a man to her, and wasn't entirely bad; And she loved me a little, I think, although it didn't last; crossed your track? I was only a joking you know, I'm willing to take it back. JOHN [aside]. Well, now, if this ain't a joke, with rather a bitter cream! It seems as if I'd woke from a mighty ticklish dream; But I musn't think of these things--I've buried 'em in And I think she “smells a rat," for she smiles at me the past. so queer, I'll take my hard words back, nor make a bad matter I hope she don't; good gracious! I hope that they worse; She'll have trouble enough; she shall not have my curse; But I'll live a life so square-and I well know that I can That she always will sorry be that she went with that han'somer man. didn't hear! 'Twas one of her practical drives, she thought I'd understand! But I'll never break sod again till I get the lay of the land. But one thing's settled with me—to appreciate heaven well, Ah, here is her kitchen dress! it makes my poor eyes 'Tis good for a man to have some fifteen minutes of blur; |