drinking the health of the Devil (whom God assoilzie) and going down upon my marrow bones to his ill-favored majesty there, whom I know, as well as I know myself to be a sinner, to be nobody in the whole world, but Tim Hurlygurly the stage-player!why! its quite another guess sort of a thing, and utterly and altogether past my comprehension." He was not allowed to finish this speech in tranquillity. At the name of Tim Hurlygurly the whole assembly leaped from their seats. "Treason!" shouted his Majesty King Pest the First. "Treason!" said the little man with the gout. "Treason!" screamed the Arch Duchess Ana-Pest. "Treason!" muttered the gentleman with his jaws tied up. "Treason!" growled he of the coffin. "Treason!" treason!" shrieked her majesty of the mouth; and, seizing by the hinder part of his breeches the unfortunate Tarpaulin, who had just commenced pouring out for himself a skull of liqueur, she lifted him high into the air, and let him fall without ceremony into the huge open puncheon of his beloved ale. Bobbing up and down, for a few seconds, like an apple in a bowl of toddy, he, at length, finally disappeared amid the whirlpool of foam which, in the already effervescent liquor, his struggles easily succeeded in creating. Not tamely, however, did the tall seaman behold the discomfiture of his companion. Jostling King Pest through the open trap, the valiant Legs slammed the door down upon him with an oath, and strode towards the centre of the room. Here tearing down the skeleton which swung over the table, he laid it about him with so much energy and good will, that, as the last glimpses. of light died away within the apartment, he succeeded in knocking out the brains of the little gentleman with the gout. Rushing then with all his force against the fatal hogshead full of October ale and Hugh Tarpaulin, he rolled it over and over in an instant. Out burst a deluge of liquor so fierce-so impetuous-so overwhelming that the room was flooded from wall to wall-the loaded table was overturned-the tressels were thrown upon their backs-the tub of punch into the fire-place-and the ladies intc hysterics. Piles of death-furniture floundered about. Jugs, pitchers, and carboys mingled promiscuously in the melée, and wicker flagons encountered desperately with bottles of junk. The man with the horrors was drowned upon the spot-the little stiff gentleman floated off in his coffin-and the victorious Legs, seizing by the waist the fat lady in the shroud, rushed out with her into the street, and made a bee-line for the "Free and Easy," followed under easy sail by the redoubtable Hugh Tarpaulin, who, having sneezed three or four times, panted and puffed after him with the Arch Duchess Ana-Pest. 17* THREE SUNDAYS IN A WEEK. "You hard-hearted, dunder-headed, obstinate, rusty, crusty, musty, fusty, old savage!" said I, in fancy, one afternoon, to my grand uncle Rumgudgeon-shaking my first at him in imagination. Only in imagination. The fact is, some trivial discrepancy did exist, just then, between what I said and what I had not the courage to say-between what I did and what I had half a mind to do. The old porpoise, as I opened the drawing-room door, was sitting with his feet upon the mantel-piece, and a bumper of port in his paw, making strenuous efforts to accomplish the ditty Remplis ton verre vide! "My dear uncle," said I, closing the door gently, and approach ing him with the blandest of smiles, "you are always so very kind and considerate, and have evinced your benevolence in so many-so very many ways-that-that I feel I have only to suggest this little point to you once more to make sure of your full acquiescence." "Hem !" said he, "good boy! go on!" "I am sure, my dearest uncle, [you confounded old rascal !] that you have no design really, seriously, to oppose my union with Kate. This is merely a joke of yours, I know—ha! ha! ha!-how very pleasant you are at times." "Ha! ha! ha!" said he, แ curse you! yes!" Now, "To be sure-of course! I knew you were jesting. uncle, all that Kate and myself wish at present, is that you would oblige us with your advice as-as regards the time—you know, uncle-in short, when will it be most convenient for yourself, that the wedding shall-shall--come off, you know?" "Come off, you scoundrel!-what do you mean by that?Better wait till it goes on." "Ha! ha! ha!-he! he he!-hi! hi! hi!-ho! ho! ho!— hu! hu! hu!—oh, that's good!-oh, that's capital—such a wit! But all we want just now, you know, uncle, is that you would indicate the time precisely." "Ah!-precisely ?" "Yes, uncle-that is, if it would be quite agreeable to yourself." "Would'nt it answer, Bobby, if I were to leave it at randomsome time within a year or so, for example?—must I say precisely?" "If you please, uncle-precisely." "Well, then, Bobby, my boy-you're a fine fellow, aren't you? --since you will have the exact time, I'll-why I'll oblige you jor once.' "Dear uncle !" "Hush, sir!" [drowning my voice]-"I'll oblige you for once. You shall have my consent-and the plum, we mus'nt forget the plum-let me see! when shall it be? To-day's Sunday--is'nt it? Well, then, you shall be married precisely-precisely, now mind! -when three Sundays come together in a week! Do you hear me, sir! What are you gaping at? I say, you shall have Kate and her plum when three Sundays come together in a week-but not till then-you young scapegrace--not till then, if I die for it. You know me--I'm a man of my word--now be off!" Here he swallowed his bumper of port, while I rushed from the room in despair. A very "fine old English gentleman," was my grand-uncle Rumgudgeon, but unlike him of the song, he had his weak points. He was a little, pursy, pompous, passionate, semicircular somebody, with a red ise, a thick skull, a long purse, and a strong sense of his own consequence. With the best heart in the world, he contrived, through a predominant whim of contradiction, to earn for himself, among those who only knew him superficially, the character of a curmudgeon. Like many excellent people, he seemed possessed with a spirit of tantatrzation, which might easily, at a casual glance, have been mistaken for malevolence. To every request, a positive "No!" was his immediate answer; but in the end-in the long, long end-there were exceedingly few requests which he refused. Against all attacks upon his purse he made the most sturdy defence; but the amount extorted from him, at last was, generally, in direct ratio with the length of the siege and the stubbornness of the resistance. In charity no one gave more liberally or with a worse grace. For the fine arts, and especially for the belles lettres, he entertained a profound contempt. With this he had been inspired by Casimir Perier, whose pert little query "A quoi un poete est il bon ?" he was in the habit of quoting, with a very droll pronunciation, as the ne plus ultra of logical wit. Thus my own inkling for the Muses had excited his entire displeasure. He assured me one day, when I asked him for a new copy of Horace, that the translation of "Poeta nascitur non fit" was 66 a nasty poet for nothing fit"-a remark which I took in high dudgeon. His repugnance to "the humanities" had, also, much increased of late, by an accidental bias in favor of what he supposed to be natural science. Somebody had accosted him in the street, mistaking him for no less a personage than Doctor Dubble L. Dee, the lecturer upon quack physics. This set him off at a tangent; and just at the epoch of this story-for story it is getting to be after all-my grand uncle Rumgudgeon was accessible and pacific only upon points which happened to chime in with the caprioles of the hobby he was riding. For the rest, he laughed with his arms and legs, and his politics were stubborn and easily understood. He thought, with Horsley, that "the people have nothing to do with the laws but to obey them." I had lived with the old gentleman all my life. My parents, in dying, had bequeathed me to him as a rich legacy. I believe the old villain loved me as his own child-nearly if not quite as well as he loved Kate-but it was a dog's existence that he led me, |