to be in a strait betwixt two, having a desire to depart and to be with Christ, which is best of all;-if, for this, we were groaning earnestly, to be clothed upon with our house which is from heaven, 2 Cor. v. 2;-then would our watching, in the daily course thereof, be not a little furthered, by our always bearing in view thoughts of death, waiting with Job, xiv. 14, all the days of our appointed time until our change come.

As Satan ofttimes keeps back many gracious hearts from receiving Christ, by making them rest on their performances and the actings of gracious habits that are in them; so, many times, when this snare is discovered, he has another hard at hand, by which he keeps off many such from closing in with Christ, so as to give him welcome entertainment ;— and that is, by making them go faintingly and with much discouragement about the duty of receiving him. And in this snare, they are the more easily entangled, inasmuch as it passeth with them under the name of humility, for them to be always in this mourning or, as I may rather call it, murmuring condition.

While I was thus about thoughts of mourning, and the right properties and qualifications of it, I began to think, what matter of mourning and humiliation I had; and therefore resolved, to set apart the next day, being Friday the 8th day of May, 1657, for seeking God by fasting and prayer. The causes that then did most occur to my consideration, were mainly these three. First, In relation to my own condition, that I might lament and mourn for the sins of my youth, which I desire may be "ever before me. Secondly, In relation to the condition of the people

of God in these times,-that the Lord would arise, and carry on his great work, which seems, as matters now go, to be at a very great loss.-Thirdly, In relation to my family, and more especially my wife,—to seek God on her behalf, both for her soul's and body's condition, [she being near her confinement.]

And, to the praise of God, I must acknowledge his goodness, that however dull and senseless I was that day, in the duty of seeking to him, yet, in this, he was gracious unto me;-that though, as to the external performance, and assistance in the outward duty, I had less that day than ordinarily; yet were the things themselves more on my heart, and, I trust, I may say, in a more believing way, hoped for. That day was my wife taken ill, and the next morning was well brought to bed of a son;-which I take as an answer to prayer, yea, a preventing of me rather, according as is promised in Isai. lxv. 24,-" And it shall come to pass, that before they call, I will answer; and while they are yet speaking, I will hear.” I conceive myself, (and have expressed it so to the Lord,) as more obliged than ever, to watch over my heart in keeping communion with God; and more particularly, seeing he continues the comfort of wife and children with me, I am the more obliged to watch over my heart, as to the enjoying of them, and all things else of that kind; that I may labour to get and keep loose my heart from being sinfully engaged. And I dare to labour to make use of this time, that hereafter shall be granted to me, of the sweet comfort of their fellowship, for the preparing my heart, and having it so framed, that I may know how to be content to want, as well as to abound, Phil. iv. 12,— how to want any or all of them, if the Lord should so

think fit. In this endeavour, I conceive myself called to be very diligent, seeing my heart to be too much engaged and entangled with them, or tempted so to be; that if the Lord should be pleased to remove any of these from me, or me from them, I might quietly and contentedly submit, and agree to his blessed will. Another reason is, that I conceive I have not long to enjoy them, but either I am to be removed from them, or they from me; and that this time is given me of the Lord, to prepare for such a case.

My wife being brought to bed of a son, I was a little straitened about the baptizing of him; at last, after seeking God in the matter, I resolved to have him baptized in the ordinary manner, if I could find any godly minister, (though he were of the Presbyterian judgment,) that would perform the duty in a private manner, and would give me liberty, at the doing of it, to declare, that it was not my desire to have my son baptized upon any other account, than as a member of the catholic or universal church; seeing I do not believe that, in the Holy Scriptures, there is any warrant for constituting gospel churches in a national way. After conference with Mr. John Sinclair, minister of Ormston, about this point, I found him clear on that point,-that baptism was no constituting ordinance; and that he could very freely baptize my child, on that same account which I desired, as a member of the catholic church, seeing he knew my judgment to be against the national way of constitution.

Thus I resolved, for the present, for peace sake; I not being a member of any gathered church, and at a distance from those Christians, with whom formerly I walked in fellowship at Aberdeen, (which, if I could

H

have enjoyed, I should have thought it my duty rather to have chosen it, than any other ;)-[and this was done,] that I might give an evidence to the godly men of the Presbyterian way, of my willingness to live peaceably and in love with them, partaking with them in all duties, so far as I may do it without sin; though in the matter of their constitution and form of government I differ from them.

The 12th day being appointed by the said Mr. John Sinclair and me, for his coming to Newbattle to baptize the said child, when he came, he was unwilling that I should make any such declaration. He alleged, that if I should speak this publicly, it would occasion the Presbytery to trouble him, and therefore besought me to forbear. I having, a long time before that, thought of the matter, concluded, that without some such expression in public, at the time of baptizing the child, I could not admit the doing of it by any of the national church. Whereupon he moved, that some other might present the child, to which I yielded, being loath to be the occasion of his trouble; so, Robert Porteous the younger, bailie [or alderman] of Newbattle, presented the child, the 12th of May, 1657; his name being Thomas, after my dear brother that was killed at Dunbar.

What the Lord's purpose to me in this may be, I desire to observe,-that, these six years by-gone, the opportunity of presenting any of my children to receive that ordinance hath been denied me, sometimes by my absence, either in London or Edinburgh; only, at this time, I was in the place, and yet could not be present at that action, as aforesaid.

CHAPTER VIII.

1657: OBSERVATIONS ON MATTHEW XII. 43, &c.-ENCOURAGEMENT FROM CERTAIN PORTIONS OF HOLY WRIT-PROSPERITY AND ADVERSITY-ALEXANDER JAFFRAY ENGAGES HIMSELF AFRESH UNTO THE LORD-HIS DESIRES IN PRAYER ON BEHALF OF SOME AT ABERDEEN-HE MEETS WITH AN ACCIDENT-UPRIGHTNESS IN KEEPING FROM INIQUITY-JOURNEY TO ABERDEEN-HE NOTICES SOME UNWATCHFULNESS-THE ILLNESS OF HIS SON ANDREW-HE REMOVES HIS RESIDENCE TO ABBEY HILL-VOWS AND PROMISES ARE VAIN WITHOUT STRIVING AGAINST SIN-1658: COMFORT FROM SOME SCRIPTURESHE IS INSNARED IN TEMPTATION. THE DEATH OF HIS SON JOHN-HE RECOUNTS THE MANIFOLD MERCIES DEALT OUT TO HIM-THE BIRTH OF TWIN

CHILDREN-ON CONFORMITY.

It is said in Matt. xii. 43,-When the unclean spirit is gone out of a man, he seeks rest and finds none; that is to say, he has no pleasure so much to be in any place as in that heart, out of which he has been once removed or cast out; and therefore his endeavour is, by all means, to be in there again. And finding the room, since his removal, not washed and thoroughly purged as it should have been, (see Jer. iv. 14,) but only emptied, swept, and garnished, as the word there is, that is to say, all outward scandalous sins are abstained from, and duties diligently practised,-the house is emptied of the one, and well swept and garnished with the other, but there is no inward purging and washing out of "vain thoughts" and the like,

I say, when the poor heart's case is thus very well in its own estimation; yet, now is it in no less hazard than that of being, on Satan's re-entrance, made worse than before. O let us then be careful, if Satan be not out, to get him out; and if he be gone, to keep