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of the aforesaid Jew,-knocked him in the mud,-ran back to Will Lapstone's the cobbler,-upset a quart bottle full of gin belonging to the said Lapstone, and took refuge in the cobbler's state bed.

The parties being, of course, in the most opulent circumstances, consulted counsel learned in the law. The result was that Goody Grim was determined to bring an action against Lapstone "for the loss of her pig with a curly tail"; and Lapstone to bring an action against Goody Grim for the loss of a quart bottle full of Hollands gin; and Mordecai to bring an action against them both for "de losh of a teetotum dat fell out of his pocket in the rencounter". They all delivered their briefs to counsel, before it was considered they were all parties, and no witnesses. But Goody Grim, like a wise old lady as she was, now changed her battery, determined to bring an action against Lapstone, and bind over Mordecai as an evidence.

The indictment set forth, "that you Lapstone, not having the fear of the assizes before your eyes, but being moved by pig, and instigated by pruinsence, did, on the the first day of April, a day sacred in the annals of law, steal, pocket, hide, and crib, divers, that is to say, five hundred hogs, sows, boars, pigs, and porkers, with curly tails; and did secrete the said five hundred hogs, sows, boars, pigs, and porkers, with curly tails, in the said Lapstone's bed, against the peace of our lady the Queen, her crown, and dignity."

Mordecai was examined by Counsellor Puzzle. "Well, sir, what are you?

"I sells old clo', and sealing-vax, and puckles."

"I did not ask what you sold; I ask you what you are ?"

"I am about five and forty."

"I did not ask your age; I ask what you are?"

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I am a Jew."

"Why couldn't you tell me that at first? Well, then, sir, if you are a Jew, tell me what you know of this affair." "As I vas a valking along ".

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"Man-I don't want to know where you were walking." Vell, vell, vell! As I vas a valking along "-"So you will walk along, in spite of all that can be said."

"Plesh ma heart, you frighten me out of my vits. As I vas a valking along, I seed de unclean animal coming towards me and so, says I-O father Abraham, says

"Father Abraham, sir, is no evidence."

"You must let me tell my story my own vay, or I cannot tell it at all. As I vas a valking along, I seed de unclean animal coming towards me--an so, says I-O Father Abraham, says I, here comes de unclean animal towards me; and he runned between my legs, and upshet me in the mut."

"Now, do you mean to say upon your oath, that that little animal had the power to upset you in the mud?" "I vill take my oash dat he upshet me in te mut.” "And pray, sir, on what side did you fall?"

"On de mutty side."

"I mean, on which of your own sides did you fall?” "I fell on my left side."

"Now, on your oath, was it your left side?"

"I vill take my oash, it vas my left side."

"And, pray, what did you do when you fell down?" "I got up again as fast as I could."

"Perhaps you could tell me whether the pig had a curly tail?"

"I vill take my oash his tail vas so curly as ma peard." "And, pray, where were you going when this happened?"

"I vas going to de sign of de Goose and Gridiron." "Now, on your oath, what has a goose to do with a gridiron ?"

"I don't know, only it vas de sign of de house. And all more vat I know vas, dat I lose an ivory tee-totum out of ma pocket."

"Oh, you lost a tee-totum, did you? I thought we should bring you to something at last. My lord, I beg

leave to take an exception to this man's evidence: he does not come into court with clean hands."

"How de mischief should I, when I have been polishing my goods all morning!"

"Now, my lord, your lordship is aware that the word teetotum is derived from the Latin terms of te and tutum, which mean 'keep yourself safe'. And this man, but for my sagacity, observation, and so forth, would have kept himself safe; but now he has, as the learned Lord Verulam expresses it, 'let the cat out of the bag"."

"I vill take ma oash I had no cat in ma bag."

"My lord, by his own confession, he was about to vend a tee-totum. Now, my lord, and gentlemen of the jury, it is my duty to point out to you that a tee-totum is an unlawful machine, made of ivory, with letters printed upon it, for the purpose of gambling! Now, your lordship knows that the Act, commonly known by the name of the 'Little-go Act,' expressly forbids all games of chance whatever-whether put, or whist, or marbles, or swabs, or dumps, or chuck-farthing, or teetotum, or what not; and therefore I do contend that this man's evidence is contra bones mores, and he is consequently non compos testimoniæ.”

Counsellor Botherem then rose up :-"My lord, and gentlemen of the jury, my learned friend, Puzzle, has in a most facetious manner endeavoured to cast a slur on the highly honourable evidence of the Jew merchant. And I do contend that he who buys and sells is bona fide inducted into all the mysteries of merchandise; ergo, he who merchandises is, to all intents and purposes, a merchant. My learned friend, in the twistings and turnings of his argument in handling the tee-totum, can only be called obiter dictum; he is playing my lord, a losing game. Gentlemen, he has told you the origin, use, and abuse of the tee-totum; but, gentlemen, he has forgot to tell you what that great luminary of the law, the late learned Coke, has said on the subject, in a case exactly similar to this, in the 234th folio volume of the "Abridgement of the Statutes," page 1349, where he

thus lays down the law, in the case of Hazard versus Blacklegs:- Gamblendum consistet, enactum gamblendi, sed non evendum macheni placendi'. My lord, I beg leave to say, that if I prove my client was in the act of vending, and not playing with the said instrument-the tee-totum-I humbly presume that all my learned friend has said will come to the ground."

Judge." Certainly, Brother Botherem; there's no doubt the learned Sergeant is incorrect. The law does not put a man extra legium for merely spinning a teetotum."

"My lord, one of the witnesses has owned that the pig had a curly tail. Now, my lord, I presume, if I prove the pig had a straight tail, I consider the objection must be fatal."

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Certainly order the pig into court,"

Here the pig was produced; and upon examination, it was found to have a straight tail, which finished the trial. The learned judge, in summing up the evidence, addressed the jury-" Gentlemen of the jury, it is wholly unnecessary to recapitulate the evidence; for the removal of this objection removes all ground of action. And notwithstanding the ancient statute which says, 'Serium pigum, et boreum pigum, et vendi curlum tailum,' there is an irrefragable proof, by ocular demonstration, that Goody Grim's grunter had a straight tail; and, therefore, the prisoner must be acquitted." This affair is thrown into Chancery, and it is expected it will be settled about the end of the year 1899.

FINIS.

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