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him on the same score; and particularly Lord Peter, who sent him a fine feather for his cap,* to be worn by him and his successors, as a perpetual mark for his bold defence of Lord Peter's cause. How Harry, flushed with his pretended victory over Martin, begun to huff Peter also, and at last downright quarrelled with him about a wench. How some of
Lord Harry's tenants, ever fond of changes, began to talk kindly of Martin, for which he mauled them soundly; as he did also those that adhered to Peter. How he turned some out of house and hold, others he hanged or burnt, &c.
How Harry Huff, after a good deal of blustering, wenching, and bullying, died, and was succeeded by a good-natured boy, who, giving way to the general bent of his tenants, allowed Martin's notions to spread everywhere, and take deep root in Albion. How, after his death, the farm fell into the hands of a lady, who was violently in love with Lord Peter. § How she purged the whole country with fire and sword, resolved not to leave the name or remembrance of Martin. How Peter triumphed, and set up shops again, for selling his own powders, plasters, and salves, which were now called the only true ones, Martin's being all declared counterfeit. How great numbers of Martin's friends left the country, and, travelling up and down in foreign parts, grew acquainted with many of Jack's followers, and took a liking to many of their notions and ways, which they afterwards brought back into Albion, now under another landlady, more moderate and more cunning than the
*The title of "Defender of the Faith."
†The English reformation, brought about by Henry's love for Ann Bullen.
§ Queen Mary, and her persecution of the Protestants.
former.* How she endeavoured to keep friendship both with Peter and Martin, and trimmed for some time between the two, not without countenancing and assisting at the same time many of Jack's followers; but, finding no possibility of reconciling all the three brothers, because each would be master, and allow no other salves, powders, or plasters, to be used but his own, she discarded all three, and set up a shop for those of her own farm, well furnished with powders, plasters, salves, and all other drugs necessary, all right and true, composed according to receipts made by physicians and apothecaries of her own creating, which they extracted out of Peter's, and Martin's, and Jack's receipt-books; and of this medley or hodgepodge, made up a dispensatory of their own; strictly forbidding any other to be used, and particularly Peter's, from which the greatest part of this new dispensatory was stolen. How the lady, farther to confirm this change, wisely imitating her father, degraded Peter from the rank he pretended as eldest brother; and set up herself in his place, as head of the family, and ever after wore her father's old cap, with the fine feather he had got from Peter for standing his friend; which has likewise been worn with no small ostentation, to this day, by all her successors, though declared enemies to Peter. How Lady Bess and her physicians, being told of many defects and imperfections in their new medley dispensatory, resolve on a farther alteration, and to purge it from a great deal of Peter's
* Queen Elizabeth, under whose reign the Calvinists or Puritans, as they were called, gained footing in England.
+ The Church of England, whose doctrines are compounded from those of the Reformed Churches, while her hierarchy resembles that of Rome.
Claimed the title of Head of the Church, and retained that of Defender of the Faith.
trash, that still remained in it; but were prevented by her death. How she was succeeded by a northcountry farmer, who pretended great skill in the managing of farms, though he could never govern his own poor little farm, nor yet this large new one after he got it. How this new landlord, to shew his valour and dexterity, fought against enchanters, weeds, giants, and wind-mills, and claimed great honour for his victories, though he oft-times b-sh-t himself when there was no danger.t How his successor, no wiser than he, occasioned great disorders by the new methods he took to manage his farms. How he attempted to establish, in his northern farm, the same dispensatory used in the southern, but miscarried, because Jack's powders. pills, salves, and plasters, were there in great vogue. How the author finds himself embarrassed for having introduced into his history a new sect, different from the three he had undertaken to treat of, and how his inviolable respect to the sacred number three, obliges him to reduce these four, as he intends to do all other things, to that number; and for that end to drop the former Martin, and to substitute in his place Lady Bess's institution, which is to pass under the name of Martin in the sequel of this true history. This weighty point being cleared, the author goes on, and describes mighty quarrels between Jack and Martin; how sometimes the one had the better, and sometimes the other, to the great desolation of both farms, till at last both sides concur to hang up
*James I., who piqued himself, like Frederick of Prussia, but with somewhat less reason, upon understanding son metier de roi. The absurd publications of James, respecting Dæmonologie, &c.
"A panegyrical Essay upon the Number THREE," is among the treatises advertised at the beginning of the Tale of a Tub. § Great Civil War.
the landlord, who pretended to die a martyr for Martin, though he had been true to neither side, and was suspected by many to have a great affection for Peter.*
A DIGRESSION ON THE NATURE, USEFULNESS, AND NECESSITY OF WARS AND QUARRELS.
THIS being a matter of great consequence, the author intends to treat it methodically, and at large, in a treatise apart, and here to give only some hints of what his large treatise contains. The state of war natural to all creatures. War is an attempt to take by violence from others a part of what they have and we want. Every man, duly sensible of his own merit, and finding it not duly regarded by others, has a natural right to take from them all that he thinks due to himself; and every creature, finding its own wants more than those of others, has the same right to take everything its nature requires. Brutes much more modest in their pretensions this way than men; and mean men more than great ones. The higher one raises his pretentions this way, the more bustle he makes about them; and the more success he has, the greater hero. Thus greater souls, in proportion to their superior merit, claim a greater right to take everything from meaner folks. This the true foundation of grandeur and heroism, and of the distinction of degrees among men. War therefore necessary to establish subordination, and to
* At a future period of his life, Swift would hardly have written thus of Charles I., the martyr of the Church of England.
found cities, kingdoms, &c., as also to purge bodies politic of gross humours. Wise princes find it necessary to have wars abroad, to keep peace at home. War, famine, and pestilence, the usual cures for corruptions in bodies politic. A comparison of these three. The author is to write a panegyric on each of them. The greatest part of mankind loves war more than peace. They are but few and meanspirited that live in peace with all men. The modest and meek of all kinds, always a prey to those of more noble or stronger appetites. The inclination to war universal: those that cannot, or dare not, make war in person, employ others to do it for them. This maintains bullies, bravoes, cut-throats, lawyers, soldiers, &c. Most professions would be useless, if all were peaceable. Hence brutes want neither smith nor lawyers, magistrates nor joiners, soldiers nor surgeons. Brutes, having but narrow appetites, are incapable of carrying on, or perpetuating war against their own species, or of being led out in troops and multitudes to destroy one another. These prerogatives proper to man alone. The excellency of human nature demonstrated by the vast train of appetites, passions, wants, &c., that attend it. This matter to be more fully treated in the author's Panegyric on Mankind.
THE HISTORY OF MARTIN.
How Jack, having got rid of the old landlord, set up another to his mind,* quarrelled with Martin, and turned him out of doors. How he pillaged all his shops, and abolished the whole dispensatory. How