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DIALECTIC.

COCKNEY.

LORD DUNDREARY PROPOSING.

F. J. SKILL.

ANY fellah feelth nervouth when he knowth he'th going to make an ath of himthelf.

That's vewy twue, -I-I've often thed tho before. But the fact is, evewy fellah dothn't make an ath of himthelf, at least not quite such an ath as I've done in my time. I don't mind telling you, but 'pon my word now, -I - I've made an awful ath of mythelf on thome occathions. You don't believe it now, do you? I thought you wouldn't;

but I have now

- weally. Particularly with wegard to women. To tell the twuth, that is my weakneth, I s'pose I'm what they call a ladies' man. The pwetty cweachaws like me, I know they do, - though they pwetend not to do so. it's the way with some fellahs. Let me see, where was I?

It

O, I rekomember, or weckolect, - which is it? Never mind; I was saying that I was a ladies' man.

I wanted to tell you of one successful advenchaw I had, at least, when I say successful, I mean it would have been as far as I was concerned, – but, of course, when two people

are engaged, - or wather, when one of 'em wants to be engaged, one fellah by himthelf can't engage that he'll engage affections that are otherwise engaged. By the way, what a lot of 'gages that was in one thentence, and yet it seems quite fruitless. Come, that's pwetty smart, that is—for

me.

Well, as I was saying, — I mean, as I meant to have said, - when I was stopping down at Wockingham, with the Widleys, last Autumn, there was a mons'ous jolly girl staying there too. I don't mean two girls, you know, -only-only one girl But stop a minute, - is that right? How could one girl be stopping there two? What doosid queer expressions there are in the English language! Stopping there

too! It's vewy odd. I — I'll swear there was only one girl, at least, the one that I mean was only one, - if she'd been two, of course, I should have known it, let me see now, one is singular, and two is plural, well, you know, she was a singular girl, - and she she was one too many for me. Ah, I see now, that accounts for it,

one two

many of course -I knew there was a two somewhere. She had a vewy queer name, Miss — miss Missmiss, no not Miss Missmiss - I always miss the wrong - I mean the right name, Miss Chaffingham, that's it, - Charlotte Chaffingham.

At the top of the long walk at Wockingham there is a summer-house, a jolly sort of place, with a lot of ferns and things about, and behind there are a lot of shrubs and bushes and pwickly plants, which give a sort of rural or wurwal which is it? blest if I know look to the place, and as it was vewy warm, I thought if I'm ever to make an ath of mythelf by pwoposing to this girl, I won't do it out in the eye of the Sun, - it's so pwecious hot. So I pwoposed we should walk in and sit down, and so we did, and then I began:

"Miss Chaffingham, now, don't you think it doosid cool?” "Cool, Lord D.," she said; "why, I thought you were complaining of the heat."

"I beg your pardon,” I said, “I—I— can't speak vewy fast," (the fact is, that a beathly wasp was buthhing about me at the moment,)" and I hadn't quite finished my thentence. I was going to say, don't you think it doosid cool of Wagsby to go on laughing. at a fellah as he does?" "I think so too; and I won

"Well, my Lord," she said,

at

der you stand it.

know."

"You - you don't mean to

"What remedy? I said.

say I ought to thwash him, Miss Charlotte?"

Here she she somehow began to laugh, but in such a peculiar way that I — I couldn't think what she meant.

"A vewy good idea," I said. "I've a vewy good mind to twy it. I had on the gloves once with a lay figure in a painter's studio, - and gave it an awful licking. It's twue, it — it didn't hit back, you know; I— I did all all the hitting then. And pwaps-pwaps Wagsby would hit back. But, if if he did any thing so ungentlemanlike as that, I could always always-"

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Always what, my Lord?" said Lotty, who was going on laughing in a most hysterical manner.

"Why, I could always say it was a mithtake, and — and it shouldn't happen again, you know.”

"Admirable policy, upon my word," she thaid, and began tittering again. But what the dooth amused her so I never could make out. Just then we heard a sort of rustling in the leaves behind, and I confess I felt wather nervouth.

"It's only a bird," Lotty said; and then we began talking of that little wobbin-wedbreast, and what a wonderful thing Nature is, and how doosid pwetty it was to see her laws obeyed. And I said, "O Miss Chaffingham!" I said, "If I was a wobbin

"Yes, Dundreary," she anthered, vewy soft and sweet. And I thought to mythelf, - Now's the time to ask her,

now's the time to I-I was beginning to wuminate again, but she bwought me to my thenses by saying,

bin

"Yes?" interwoggatively.

"If I was a wobbin, Lotty, and

"Well, my Lord?"

and you were a wobwith a full voice of emothun.

"Wouldn't it be jolly to have thpeckled eggs evewy morning for bweakfast?"

That wasn't quite what I was going to say; but just then

there was another rustling behind the summer-house, and in wushed that bwute, Wagsby.

"What's the wow, Dundreary?" said he, grinning in a dweadfully idiotic sort of way. "Come, old fellah," (I-I hate a man who calls me old fellah, - it's so beathly familiar). And then he said he had come on purpose to fetch us back, (confound him!) as they had just awanged to start on one of those cold-meat excursions, no, that's not the word, I know, but it has something to do with cold meat, -pic-pickles, is it?-no, pickwick? pic-I have it, they wanted us to go picklicking, I mean picknicking with them.

Here was a dithappointment. Just as I thought to have a nice little flirtathun with Lotty-to be interwupted in this manner! Was ever any thing so pwovoking? And all for a picnic, a thort of early dinner without chairs or tables, and a lot of flies in the muthtard! I was in such a wage !

Of course I didn't get another chance to say all I wanted. I had lost my opportunity, and, I fear, made an ath of mythelf.

THE SWELL:

I SAY! I wonder why fellahs ever wide in horse-cars? I've been twying all day to think why fellahs ever do it, weally! I know some fellahs that are in business, down town, you know, C. B. Jones, cotton-dealer; Smith Brothers, woollen goods; Bwown & Company, stock-bwokers and that sort of thing, you know, who say they do it every day. If I was to do it every day, my funeral would come off in about a week. 'Pon my soul, it would. I wode in a

horse-car one day.

Did it for a lark.

Made a bet I would

So I went out on

wide in a horse-car, 'pon my soul, I did. the pavement before the club-house and called one. I said, "Horse-car! horse-car!" but not one of 'em stopped, weally! Then I saw that fellahs wun after them, — played

tag with them, you know, as the dweadful little girls do when school is coming out. And sometimes they caught the cars, ah and sometimes they did not. So I wun after one, I did weally, and I caught it. I was out of breath, you know, and a fellah on the platform a conductor fellah poked me in the back and said, "Come! move up! make room for this lady!" Ah- by Jove he did, you know! I looked for the lady so, but I could see no lady, and I said There was a female person behind me, with large market basket, cwowded with, ah, vegetables and such dweadful stuff, and another person with a bundle, and another with a baby, you know. The person with the basket prodded me in the back with it, and I said to the conductor fellah, said I, "Where shall I sit down? I ah I don't see any seat, you know." "The seats seem to be occupied by persons, conductor,” said I. "Where shall I sit?"

So.

He was wude, very wude, indeed, and he said; “You can sit on your thumb if you have a mind to." And when I wemonstrated with him upon the impwopwiety of telling a gentleman to sit on his thumb, he told me to go to thunder. "Go to thunder!" he did, indeed. After a while one of the persons got out, and I sat down; it was vewy disagweeable! Opposite me, there were several persons belonging to the labowing classes, with what I pwesume to be lime on their boots; and tin kettles which they carried for some mysterious purpose in their hands. There was a person with a large basket, and a coloured person. fellah that had been eating onions! I couldn't stand it! No fellah could, you know. I had heard that if any one in a car was annoyed by a fellah-passenger he should weport it to the conductor. So I said, Conductor! put this person out of the car! he annoys me vewy much. He has been eating onions." But the conductor fellah only laughed. He did, indeed! And the fellah that had been eating onions said, Hang yer impidence, what do ye mean by that?" It's extwemely disagweeable, you know, to sit near one who has been eating onions," said

Next to me there sat a 'Twas vewy offensive!