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shall not only calculate far better dan Mr. Babbleage, but speak mors plainer and better English as me. You shall see.”
AT THE STATISTICAL SOCIETY.
Von Dullbrainz dissertates upon sundries. " He is goot to make de tables of every kind ; and you shall not have gone enough. Vat shall it signify how many peoples in dis place, or in dat place live in cellars or garrets, or how mosh gin dey drink, and how mosh beer ; how many nasty children dey hab, or how few ; vether dey cut de droat, or only pike de pocket? It is all ver vell. Bot I shall make my statistic far beyond. Dere is my tables of classes, professions, and businesses, and my show low mosh dey differ in de lies, de fibs, de misrepresents, and de mistyfiecasions. Par exemple, dere is.
In 1000 parsons per diem 3,065 4,128 704
98 (On Sundays rader more] In 1000 Lawyers 179,186 114,120 111,871
20,019 In 1000 Physicians
9,984 In 1000 M. P.'s
84,118 9,087 10,210 15,000 (18) per cent, to be added during
Election time) In 1000 Tailors
18,050 18,058 18,054 In 1000 Schoolmasters
9,025 12,921 9,122 1,807 In 1000 Traders
13,171 75,684 49,333 19,944 (Grocers, Ginspinners, Ha
berdashers, Drapers, Cos. termongers, Brokers, Ho. siers, Jewellers, Mereers, &c. &c. &c. so near an average, dat it is not vorth
vile to mark de differ) In 1000 Publishers
1,705 1,839 In 1000 Authors
6,107 2,011 1,904 In 1000 Beggars
12,183 71,000 17,177 “ Dis shall be specimens of de statisque reduce to de finer data, in vich de economi of lying is expound. Den you shall know pretty vell vat you shall believe in perjury, and oder good affirmations. Ven I shall come to my oder tables to exhibe de vealth of England, I shall make him a peer dat de turnspike rods, if continue in von line, vould go round de vorld, and turn back again ; dat de canals vould go so long vay to Van Diamond's Land, vere de new company is selling savage bargains ; and dat, not to mention tea-spoons, tablespoons, silver forks, plates, sugar-tongs, pots, salt and muster spoons, labels, toothpegs, sugar-basins, and many oder leetel artics in de precious metals,—and all dese are de constitutes of national vealth, —dere is fifty.seven mile six forlong and a yard of gold and silver vatches in Great Bretan, all vich is vealth. Dus' dere are 15,500,000 peoples. Of dese, 600,000, class I, hab gold vatch. Class II, von peoples in tree hab gold vatch=450,000 more. Class III, von peoples in den hab gold vatcb=218,000. In class IV, von peoples in fifty=82,600. În lower classes, von peoples in 250=25,500 gold watches. I calculate same manner in silver vatch, and I find dat all
de gold and silver vatch in Great Bretan, if layed side by side, to touch von anoder, voold reash joost fifty-seven miles six furlong and von yard. Vat you vant with new rurale police, ven you hab got such valuable old vatch ?" (Great appluuse.)
Every where, indeed, our foreign philosopher dictated to the admiring public in the most dictatorial style, and was courted, pa. negyrized, patronized, and lionized accordingly. The frequent'announcement, too, that his purpose in visiting our poor island was to do it the favour of writing his observations upon its manners, cus. toms, societies, and eminent individuals, speedily produced the usual effect. It became a matter of deep concern to the high political parties who divide the realm into their separate estates, to endeavour to win the good word of the transcendent foreign traveller and author, Von Dullbrainz, and he was feasted by ministers, and leaders of opposition.
But tempus fugit. Von Dullbrainz began to think it was as well to cut his stick, whilst everything was so pleasant. He gracefully declined invitations to spend the autumn at about fifteen palaces, fifty castles, and five hundred halls. The honours overwhelmed him with grati. tude; but a man with his prodigious responsibilities must yield to the force of circumstances, and return to his duties. He could not, however, resist the solicitations of the British Association to meet that erratic body at Birmingham, and thither went the observed of all observers, the resplendent Von Dullbrainz. There we saw him in his glory last Friday, at the grand dinner given by the Mayor and Town Council, in conjunction with Mr. Vernon Harcourt and the Association, to show the world at large how the English nation had learnt to estimate the splendours of foreign genius. The Mayor having proposed the health of their most insufferably illustrious visiter, with nine times three, the thunders of applause outlasted the common period of a thunder-storm. Von Dullbrainz rose to return thanks, and the thunder's were reverberated.
“ I am obliged to go, to leaf you, magnifique and charming English peoples," he said. "I am obliged to go,
shall hear of me no more. A prophet is never prize in his own countree. I vas call quack and imposture in my land, and by my envying contemporains. It vas reserve for de English peoples, sagacitous and penetrative, to discober de genus I vas all quite along sensible I possess. You know notting of de sciences, de literature, or de arts; but you are amable peoples, and ven cleber foreigner of genus come to you, you savey to appreciate him. I hab live vid your princes, presidents, professors, and oder great fools, and von and all hab treat me as dey ought de greatest man of de world. In mine own countree ebery body laugh at me, and say, bah! silly fellow! Bot England, and, bove all, de Mare and Munzepal of Brummagem, Mr. C. Harkout, and de British Ass”
Here an alarm of Chartists stopped the orator. The windows were broken, the brick-bats flew like leather-winged mice, and the riot-act was read to broken heads and deaf ears. Von Dullbrainz had no taste for liberty. He hurried from Birmingham, he left London, he quitted England, and fled to Skimmerdam, where he says he is writing his travels.
CAPTAIN JACK.* In the year 1823 I was employed as overseer on a sugar plantation on the east coast of the river Demerary, in South America. Early in that year an insurrection broke out amongst the negroes, and the white servants on the estates were assembled at Stabroek, the capital of the colony, embodied into a corps of riflemen, and brigaded in different parts of the country with the regular troops. It so happened that I was stationed with a party of the
-th regiment, commanded by Colonel close to the property on which I had for several years resided. I was thereby enabled to be of con. siderable use to the military authorities on several occasions, from my intimate knowledge of the localities of the neighbourhood, and of the character of the people by whom we were surrounded.
The communication between the plantations on the coast and the town of Stabroek, is kept up by means of small schooners, which carry weekly thither the produce ready for shipping on board the merchant. men in the river, and return laden with coals, provisions, and other ne. cessary supplies. These droghers, as they are called, are manned and commanded by negroes: to be a boat-captain is a situation of great trust and emolument, which is always filled by the best man
on each estate. These boat-captains contrive to pick up a good deal of money by carrying letters and passengers, the profits arising from which is their perquisite. Whenever I had occasion to go to town, I generally gave
prece to a schooner belonging to Plantation Eugenia ; she was the fastest boat on the coast, and her commander, Captain Jack, was a smart, active, well-behaved fellow, whose popularity with white and black stood him in good stead; for whenever it known that the Eugenia schooner was to sail the other droghers had but a small chance of passengers.
On one unlucky evening, soon after the insurrection broke out, Captain Jack returned from Stabroek, with his boat full of strange negroes, who were cordially welcomed in the negro-yard of the Eugenia. That very night the dwelling house of Mr. Forester, the proprietor of the estate, was attacked, and burnt to the ground, and he himself only escaped at the time, to die shortly afterwards of a fever brought on by the hardships he had been forced to undergo in concealing himself from his quick-sighted enemies. For two days he lay without food or shelter in the cane-pieces, exposed to the scorching sun and heavy dews of a tropical climate, and at night waded along the sea-shore, up to his neck in mud and water, until he reached the house of a friend near town, where he expired in a few days. Colonel wished to send notice of this outrage to the officer commanding at Stabroek ; and, as Captain Jack's character was above suspicion, he selected him to convey the express to town, and sent a serjeant on horseback to direct him to prepare to weigh immediately.
The man rode to the Eugenia, and went on board the schooner, which was lying high and dry on the sand. There was nobody in charge of her ; her sails and rigging were cut to pieces, her rudder burnt, her anchor and chain gone. Captain Jack was no where to be found. The serjeant returned to Mahaica post, and made his report. Colonel sent for me. He told me that he was aware I was well acquainted with Jack ; and that he was informed a sort of
* From the Note Book of a Colonist.
friendship existed between us,—if, indeed, in those days, a friendship could be said to exist between a negro and a white man; that I knew his haunts and connections; and that, if anybody could find him, I could. He said that he was now convinced that Jack was implicated in the crime committed on Plantation Eugenia, and that he would give me fifty joes to secure him, dead or alive, before night. · At this period the very existence of the colony was in a most critical position; the numerical odds against the whites was as a hundred to one; the negroes equalled us in courage, and surpassed us in animal strength and endurance ; on ihe other hand we were better armed, and possessed that confidence in each other, so essential in the hour of danger. We had also in the colony the regiment which Colonel commanded, and a small detachment of artillery.
From circumstances which had occurred during my residence on the east coast, I had acquired such a regard for my friend Jack, that I de. clare I would sooner have been instrumental in arresting any white man in the colony, with the conviction which I had in this case, that his death would be the inevitable consequence of his apprehension. Still this was no time for a man to swerve from his duty, however painful it might be ; horrible atrocities had been committed by the insurgent negroes, and signal must be the punishment inflicted on the perpetra. tors, whenever they could be discovered. I therefore shouldered my rifle, and sallied forth, determined to do my best to apprehend Jack; not without a hope, however, that his well-known sagacity and activity might render my exertions fruitless.
I had hardly walked half a mile when, at an angle of the road, I came full on the very man of whom I had been sent in quest. I at once sprang forward, and seized him by the throat. His astonishment at this unfriendly greeting from me was so great, that he made no resist. ance whatever. My uniform showed that I was on duty, and his con. science probably apprized him of the cause of this hostile proceeding on my part.
Colonel has sent for you, Jack,” said I. “ I trust you will be able to account for the state in which your boat was found, when he wished you to take his despatches to town.
Jack made no reply, but shook his head mournfully. I motioned to him to walk on before me towards the military post. He did so. Presently he stopped, and turned round. Seeing that I unslung and cocked my rifle, he said,
“ Massa Edward, suppose Jack run away, you no shoot him ?"
" That I most certainly will, Jack. I have been ordered to convey you dead or alive to Mahaica, and dead or alive you shall go thither. I am sorry for you from the bottom of my heart, for I am sure you have been unwillingly compelled to join in the destruction of Mr. Forester's property.
We soon reached the post, where I delivered over my prisoner to the guard. He was instantly taken before Colonel and several other officers, and I lingered in the guard-room, ostensibly for the pur. dose of reposing myself, but really to see how my poor friend Jack would fare. After some time had elapsed, I grew tired of waiting, and shouldering my rifle, was walking out of the gate, when Colonel advanced to the front of the gallery before the officers' apartments, and exclaimed in an angry tone,
“ Where the hell are you going to, sir? How dare you leave your prisoner without orders ?”
"I thought, colonel, that my duty had been ended when I delivered my prisoner to the guard."
“ Did you, by G-d, sir, remain where you are, and I'll soon convince you of the contrary,
He ihen returned into the house for a moment, and reappeared, fol. lowed by the other officers, and by Jack, who walked slowly down the steps towards me, while the colonel and his friends remained leaning over the front of the gallery.
“Now, Sergeant," continued Colonel ,"place your prisoner on his knees, with his face towards you."
Jack knelt down—not a muscle of his countenance quivered—he was entirely naked, and was a remarkably muscular and well-made man. He looked like a fine bronze statue. Both he and I knew perfectly well that his life was forfeited, and that he was about to die ; but neither of us was prepared for what followed.
“ Fall back ten paces,” roared Colonel
I was horror-stricken. Well aware that poor Jack's hours were numbered, I had never contemplated the possibility of being compelled myself to become his executioner in cold blood. I knew, moreover, that Colonel had no right to make me carry the sentence of the drum. head court-martial into effect. I was a civilian, a volunteer, and a non. commissioned officer; and, from the various services which my local knowledge had enabled me to render him, I had no reason to expect such brutal treatment at his hands.
As soon as I could recover from my astonishment and horror, I ad. vanced towards the gallery in order to remonstrate with the colonel. He turned away from me, and called to the officer of the guard to send two men forward. The men stepped out, and at his command cocked their pieces and levelled them at me. Colonel then said to them,
“I am going to give my orders to that damned mutineer. If he does not obey them instantly, shoot him. Now, Sergeant, make ready -present—fire!"
Jack sprang to his feet, and fell dead on his face. My bullet had pierced his brain.
Colonel - tossed the purse containing the reward offered for Jack's apprehension on the ground, close by his dead body, and walked coolly into the house, observing, that until the Volunteers and Bucks formed some idea of military discipline from experience, they would give more trouble than assistance to the regulars.
He lived to see the day when he gladly would have exchanged his whole regiment for a score of our good rifles; yet he lived not long, --for three days after the tragedy which I have here related, he attempted, against the advice of the colonists, to pursue a body of negroes into the bush, with the whole force at Mahaica, unaccompanied either by volunteers or Indians. His men, encumbered by their heavy clothing and accoutrements, exhausted by the heat, and bewildered by the tremendous torrents of rain which flooded the savannahs, fell an easy prey to their naked enemies. Not more than a dozen escaped to tell the tale of their defeat. Colonel K-_- received a musket shot which broke his thigh. He fell alive into the hands of his enemies. They had been Captain Jack's comrades and friends, and horribly they avenged his death.